Probably this post will just be full of bulls and I want to say sorry in advance. This is the only place where I can say all I want to say without being judge. 

I'm on my deepest pit of my depression now, I know it and I can feel it. It's almost 3 years now since I've been like this. There were a lot of times where I thought I'm getting better but to be disappointed again because I know I'm not. I'm trying my best, I don't want to get worst. I will be honest. I thought of ending everything but luckily I still have a tiny part of my brain that saying that its not right. I'm trying to fight all this demons in me. I'm trying, I want to change, I want to get better, that's all I want but I don't know how or where to begin with. 

My mom, I don't want to hate her but I know that she's one of the reason why I'm like this. I'm not saying that she's not a good Mom but she's making me feel so useless, that I'm just a burden to them. I'm not exaggerating I swear. I heard all the degrading words from her. I can't say that I got immune hearing it from her, I think I just got used to it. 

I think one of the reason why my family is treating me like I'm their slave was because I don't have a job for almost three years now. I can't blame them I know but everything's too much now that even my youngest brother aged 8 disrespect me. I want peace, silence that's why maybe I keep on thinking those bad things to myself. I don't know anymore. I'm a mess