okay idk why but i have to get this off my chest. i've been working my off for my stories in the last couple of weeks (months really) and i've always been grateful for each and every reader that i get. i'vebeen working on alot of ohter stuff too lately, but i'm kind of losing my motivation to continue

there is alot going on in my life right now, i mean i have to STILL write a piece for my application for art school and i'm starting a new job which is as exciting as it it scary and i'm kind of feeling lonely atm. where are all my friends? i've updated a chapter a day for a whole week and my chapters are LONG so YES i have been spending a lot of time behind my computer, but it's not like anybody is pulling me away from it. i mean, everybody is doing their thing and so am i but people don't have to pretend like i'm never trying to hang out with them . i'm a shy person, i don't call people up without hesitating for at least an hour i'm like that and EVERYONE knows that...

i have a big ol apartment with my best friend and everybody is ALWAYS weclome, we've had countless dinner parties and chill nights there in the holidays when nobody had anything to do but all of a sudden people are too lazy to come over. uhm i live 30 min away from town and i have to use public transport too is it such a big effort for you to get your but off of YOUR couch for once and come see me? 

apparently it is.

and i'm the one who's not willing to keep my friendships?!?!?1 i'm sorry that i'd rather write stupid, experimental short stories than travel through snow and cold wind to have coffee for an hour with someone who bails on me after twenty minutes. it;s winter and i can also stay in bed thank you very much.

i'm so frustrated right now, but at the same time, i mean i know that in college friendships come and go and i'm not good at letting people go. i hate seeing my friends leaving me so i want to put effort in those relationships. but i'm thorn because i don't want to go because i feel like i have to but because i want to. if they can say that they'd rather slam their fists on synthesizers and drums and make bad music, or badly photoshopped pictures than i can write my damn fanfics and stupid short stories too. then i can have that as an excuse too.

i'm sick of people pretending that i never do anything and that i'm lazy. i may not be writing war and peace 2 over here but i'm ALSO expressing my creativity. and writing here on aff is ofcourse something that i do for fun, but i also have a lot more serious writing that i do and it also takes time and effort I'M ALSO TIRED AFTER WRITING A CHAPTER. 

christ. i'm sorry

this ramble is totally incoherent and it doens't make any sense and i;m sorry but i had to get it off my chest.