something i hope everyone would understand - the struggle
but no one could understand it - because they've never faced the same thing

i'm not trying to question what God had given to me nor am i trying to blame Him for everything.

i was born as the least appealing in term of visual among my siblings. i have 4 siblings including me and as i said, i was born the ugliest. i have dark skin (and let me tell you, the people in my country find dark skin as unappealing. some think dark skin people are ugly.) and i'm one of them. not one of them who think it's ugly, i'm one of the people with dark skin. i didn't mind though. i love my skins nevertheless. but it's tiring how people around me keep on saying stuffs about it. "oh you look like that one character in the movie that have dark skin but at the end of the movie her skin turn white, but it will never happen to you because you're not in some movies" "why are you dark when your mum has fair skin. are you adopted?" "your mum drank too much coffee when she's carrying you" and stuffs. people may find this normal, they say these as jokes. but being in my shoes, you can never take these as jokes. you thought it'll hurt a little less as time goes by, but no.

i was born the ugliest among my siblings. you can tell this by looking at my childhood photos. i wont include it here though, its embarrassing af. i only have like 10 childhood photos. why? 1) because i dont like having my picture taken when i was a baby. i would definitely cry if someone took a picture of me (the baby me know how ugly she was). 2) they dont even wanna take a picture of an ugly kid because why would them, right? i had this one picture of me, i think i was like 2y/o when the photo was taken. i found it again a few years ago and i cried when i look at it. i cant believe how bad i looked. i was standing, holding some kind of food in my hand, i got no hair on my head (yes, my hair only started to grow when i was 3y/o) and my dark skin made it looked like my pink shirt is floating in the air because i look almost invisible. i threw it under my bed i hope no one will find it.

i was born the ugliest among my siblings. i'm fat. i wasnt born fat but i started to gain my weight since i was 12. i weighted 61kg when i was 12. like hell, some people can carry a baby in her stomach and still maintain below 60kg. but i was 12 when i started to gain so much weight. i'm not sure how it started. but when i started to gain weight, people around me started to say stuffs about my weight, about my body and it sure didnt do any good. i started to get stressed out over it so i started to eat a lot. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. everyone, i mean everyone, literally everyone couldnt shut up about my body and its stressing me out even more and yes, i eat more thanks to the stress. and im still fat while im typing this because my motivation keep on staying low and my stress keeps on controlling my brain. not blaming anyone though. its on me. its just that... i cant help it. im hopeless... for myself

i was born the ugliest among my siblings. its clear that my siblings prefer someone else over me. my brother prefers to go everywhere with my sister, and my sister prefers to take a selfie with my cousin instead of me because i will ruin the picture for sure. my mum wouldnt mind my sister wearing anything she wants because she has perfect body and she's pretty so anything would fit her. but wearing jeans for me is forbidden. "you're fat and wearing jeans makes you look fatter. wear a skirt" "can you please at least put on a light make up on your face? you have dark skin, at least wearing make up will make you look fairer." "why are you wearing that blouse? you look like a middle age woman going to the market" "how can you get a boyfriend with that face and fashion of yours?" these are the things that my family said. no joke, my family said this. at this point of this blog, im literally crying over how hard its been for me. i deserted myself from everyone because everytime im around people, the only thing i hear about is how i should stop being ugly. my sister makes me her photographer because i better stay out of the picture. my brother prefer to go out with my sister so that people wont look at him for walking with an ugly fat middle age woman. my mum loves my sister more because she's pretty. it hurts to see people keep on praising her for her look "you look like a model in the picture" "your skin is so fair" "you dont have to wear make up to look pretty" but then when it comes to me, theres only bad remarks. im sick of it. i've had enough.

i was born the ugliest in my family. and im ready to make a change.