Yes I know I just posted

But I needed to write this

There's a lot I left out, but it's the general gist

Warning: emotional post of a trainwreck coming up (holy 1k that's the length of my normal chapters)

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Hey guys

So I've wanted to talk about something for a while

Well.

Maybe a bit more than that

But generally 

To start off: I haven't been updating recently 

I don't want to make excuses, but is explaining an excuse?

I don't know, but I will explain 

I've been on AFF for a year

I have discovered so many good writers, so many good ideas, that there's more to the fandom that I ever knew

And I've be so goddamn happy

Writing gave me something to be happy about; something that I'd allow myself to believe I was decent in, something that was my own

It made me realize something, and that was that I wasn't truly happy before

And let me elaborate: I had been accepting of my life

I wasn't living, per say, I was existing

My "friends" weren't really friends 

They're merely people who tolerate me

My friend who I call my best friend... she, in a way, is my worst enemy 

She plays tricks on words, manipulates people in a way that let's them only see her good side 

My other friend, she isn't mentally stable

I feel I can't trust her, not because of that, but because she told me she gave her therapist the need to go to therapy, and she laughed

The others?

They're the ones who keep me for entertainment 

They know nothing about me but my surface image 

I've had to build up different layers of myself to choose to show, and it's been wearing away at me without my realization

So my writing is like a balm, the way for me to actually show my emotions 

I try to seem like the generic writer who is funny, kind-hearted, and everything is good in their life

But when I take hiatuses, I generally feel horrible, and want to apologize a million times

When I forget to update, when I know that the chapter is bad and I really should rewrite it, when I know I need a beta, when I know my graphics are horrible, that I can't sing, that I don't have any talents except for my writing, which even then, is decent at best, it makes me rethink what I put out as my image

I feel like I shouldn't be writing when I look at those authors with 3000+ subscribers, and I can barely get 150?!

When I compare my writing to anyone, when I see how often everyone else is updating with 7000k chapters!?

I feel so inexperienced, so little, something that doesn't matter

I think, if I deleted my account, a total of seven people would notice and care, if even

It makes me wonder why I bother

And then I remember 

I met my true friends on here

I discovered my passion on here

I discovered my future on here

I discovered what I'm missing

I discovered happiness 

I met my best friends on here, my soulmate, for goodness sake

And I remember that I can't ever hug them for comfort; bake them cakes for their birthday

I remember we're separated by miles, by oceans, and all I want to do is hug them harder than before

It makes me realize that the people who care about me are separated by a distance uncrossed.

I remember all my unrequited loves, that I know were truly unrequited, that no one has ever had a crush on me, no one has ever asked me out, and it makes me realize how crushingly lonely I am

And that's the root of the problem 

The people who inspire me?

They're hours and hours away

I have no one to motivate me, to hug me when I need comfort, to give me a shoulder to cry on

And that's what makes this so hard

I like being alone, but something I now know

Is that I don't fancy being lonely 

Kpop has been my sunshine, Dan and Phil have been my source to find funny stories, Youtube has been my entertainment 

But right here

This is where I belong

I know this is where I want to stay

On this site forever, in this community 

There's so much I want to do, and I know I'm stretching myself thin, but I love this

This is where my heart truly lies, and this is my home

Here is an excerpt from a story I will never write, that is from my point of view when I discovered writing:

Today, I finally realized 

My sun is burning me

Seeing it today, it struck me

What I've been doing isn't happiness 

I saw two boys from school, when I was walking out 

They looked the same, maybe a but taller

It made me rethink that this year, things will be fundamentally the same

Maybe a bit different, but the base is still unchanged 

And I had gotten a small taste of true happiness before

Now, I know what I thought was happiness was just desperation 

The days I thought were the bad days were the days that it was really normal

So I'm leaving

I'm leaving my sun behind, because now, it's burning hot

It used to be a pleasant warmth, that'd I'd look forward too

Now, it's torture 

So I'm trying out a star

It's the same as my sun, but smaller

And I've had a taste

I'm addicted

I'm leaving my sun behind for my star

It's something I believe I won't regret

And now?

I truly don't 

I am so happy

I know only a few people will read this far

And I'm sorry this has been a post of gross emotions 

I think, though, that this is what I need to finally get off my chest

Thank you so much, if you read this far

I truly appreciate all of you

Warrior out.