For the past few months I’ve been receiving messages from readers asking when I’ll be updating my stories. I’ve been aware that it’s been a very long time since I’ve last updated certain stories, like as long as a year and I would like to apologise for that and thank those who still have faith in me to re-write and finish my uncompleted stories.

To tell you the truth, it’s been a very difficult period of time for me since last year till now.

I started my first semester of university doing courses I didn’t want to do. A consequence for not focusing my energy, and time on the important things that would’ve made a difference to my situation now, and a regret I will remember for the rest of my life.

I didn’t get into the university of my first choice, but instead been slaving off for 1 whole semester in hopes to do well and make up for my mistake for not spending enough time studying last year or taking the easy way to the path I wanted to walk on. Instead, I had to take the longer route. Forcing myself to take courses that were vital for me to be at the top of my game at in order to redeem myself and put me back on track.

At the beginning of the year I convinced myself that I would be able to get through the first semester, by working hard to get back on the top, and in hope of meeting new and better people to be my friends that will follow through with their journey with me, in which I would do the same for them.

Unfortunately, not everything works out the way you want them to. And yes, I’m one of those people who never get their way, like rarely ever.

But just once.

I really wanted it to work out.

It was a very painful 6 months for me.

From dealing with my studies from school in which I worked my off at the beginning, but not receiving the results I desired, having no friends and struggling to make new ones at a new place was a challenge. Although I did find some people, I knew that in the long term, they might not be able to stick around for long. But to top it all off, me having to face the constant pressure from my family it really tested my patience and my urge to push on.

Almost every day without fail I would shut myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out because I felt like I was drowning and no matter what I did and how much effort I put in, nothing was going my way or working out to the way I intended it to.

I gave it my 100% all to improve myself, worked hard in my studies and attempted to put myself out there again by joining university clubs, going to social events, etc.

Hence the dark part of my past haunted aspects at those moments and I could see all hope flying away from my grasp again.

By the time I got to week 11 of the semester I was at my breaking point.

The previous 10 weeks before that I did my absolute best to reach to the place I wanted to be. I hadn’t complained once. Ignoring the tiredness from my body, the supressed emotions, anxiety and the loneliness.

But by the end of week 11 I felt like giving up.

I didn’t want to do anything anymore.

I had sacrificed so much by refraining myself from the things and people I loved.

My hobbies, friends, parties, sleep, meals, and life long dreams.

Everything that mattered to me was slipping away.

I decided that I could live without having people by my side so as long as I did well in my exams and giving myself at least that once chance of starting a fresh for semester 2 with everything I desired.

So I worked hard, did my exams and waited.

Everyday felt like torture, and that’s when the messages started coming in.

A close friend of mine asking me when I will update one of my stories again.

I remembered going back to the story and re-reading it, and cringing because hey, I’ve advanced in my literature and writing skills from 2014 and good grief it needed work.

The thought of writing came back, and I wanted to do it again. To finish those uncomplete stories, because at least I had the control to do so and I wanted to, because my dear readers deserved it as well.

I felt myself slowly feeling liberated from my slump, and began planning and re-writing chapters, and coming up with new ideas for a new story.

But as quick as that feeling of yearning to write, and get back on track to being the old me, the black cloud came again.

All the emotions of loneliness and pathetic-ness that I suppressed and ignored to carry me through my exams all came out when someone bringing up the incidents of my past and twisting it with new and not-so improved versions of the story.

The old me, was not one to get easily affected usually, but since the series of one unfortunate situation after another, I slowly began hiding myself and becoming more introverted. I didn’t want to go out anymore, but did so to hide the fact I was lonely and sad on the inside. I would smile and laugh, but inside I was screaming.

And that day, when everything was brought up again…

I just snapped.

I bawled my eyes out in front a huge crowd, wailing and clenching my fist in frustration.

At that moment, the more I cried the more upset I got.

Hadn’t I already gone through all that humiliation from back then? Haven’t I suffered from my miseries of first world problems more than enough?

Why did this person come back and hurt me again?

They knew I was struggling and yet… why?

Why would they still do this to me? How much more cruel could life get?

I shut myself in my room for a week without eating properly or sleeping.

I didn’t talk to anyone in person, not even my family,  but pretended I was alright online.

I kept an online fake persona, kidding myself that I was fine, beyond fine. Even though I knew I wasn’t.

After my pity party I made a decision. 

That I didn't care anymore and that from now on I was going to do things my way. 

I was going to eat, dress, study and do whatever I want. 

No matter how unhealthy or extra it was I didn't care. I was going to make myself happy, even though I had no one on my side. 

I will change and be the person I want to be, and live for myself. 

So I did. 

I made plans for the future, deciding I want to work for the United Nations and switched my courses to study the course I wanted to do, praying and hoping that I did well enough in my exams to make the switch.

And load and behold I got my exam results back and I pased with flying colours. 

All the blood, sweat and tears paid of, and I felt that weight on my shoulders lifted. 

I was free and I can now make that big jump closer to the destination I plan on reaching. 

I decided it was time to come back to AFF for good this time. 

After months of being MIA and just ranting to you lot instead of doing the writing and fangirling I was supposed to be doing, I decided to come back and give back to the commununity again by being more active. 

 Nothing has been finalised yet, but I have plans on writing a new story, and re-writing and updating the old ones for those loyal peoples (you know who you are!)

However, not all stories will be completed, I will be deleting some because I don't see a direction for them, and I hope thats okay with you guys,  but I will make it up by witing better content! 

So, without further a-do, this is me signing off for now, ready to let go and move on with my life slowly but surely and hoping to write something amazing again.

Also thanks for reading this whole freaking long post, y'all committed XD (let me know in the comments if you actually finished this whole post and I'll send you a virtual hug!) 

Love you all, 

Aera