Lonely

I've tried to avoid coming to this conclusion, but my parents do hate me. I know everyone will think it's a phase or something that teenagers go through where they think their parents hate them, but if your parents are telling you to die, I don't know if that's a phase.

I am not talented. Everyone knows that. Other people can draw, others can write, others can act. I on the other hand can only do golf decently. But even at that I fail. So if I hit the golf ball slightly imperfect, my dad immediately goes "You're useless. If you can't even hit one measly ball right, then why don't you just die?" And he calls me names all in curse words in Korean. I don't even get called by my name at home, no 'Noona' or 'Gihoe'. I'm just a , , hoe, , wannabe, nerd, etc.

If I scowl a little bit, my mom goes "There. You made your face perfectly ugly." I loosen my face up. "You're hurting my eyes. Get your fugly face out of my sight." What am I supposed to do if I can't even be in their presence?

And I go to school and hear the comments of me giving bj's to every boy in school, or maybe giving them to teachers to maintain my grades. I'm sorry that I'm getting actual good grades, I'm just trying my best to acheive something and my brain is the only thing I have. It's not like I can become a model, actress, or singer if my brain fails. So I need my brain to work. I'm sorry. But I've never even kissed another person in my life. Nor have given or gotten a geniune hug or smile.

I feel fake. I feel so fake. I can't walk the way I want to, I can't talk the way I want to, I can't even laugh or smile the way I want to. Why? People told me to look in the mirror and find out. I think of just ending it all. If people hate me so much, why am I living?

The only reason I tried to hold on was because my sister. She always thought of me as an angel, pretty and sweet. But recently she got a boyfriend and now she treats me like . I'm worthless she says, I'm not needed anymore. She found someone she actually loves. Not me.

So I listen to music. Music helps, it doesn't judge. And it sympathizes with me. BIGBANG's 'Loser' or 2NE1's 'Lonely' helps soothe the wrinkles out of my forehead the best. But nobody cares about them anymore, nobody. Fanfics helped too. I tried to write my feelings out, but I found out my writing skills are crap. Utter crap. I read fanfics, but stopped recently. I haven't read a new one in 1-4 months. I stopped. I'm losing interest. I'm losing

I'm just tired. I'm not going to go on for a few days. I'm just too tired to see so many things.

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Creepingmonster #1
I sent a PM on your Instagram account. Please read it. I am so worried, Gihoe. :'(
sammiko711 #2
You have a beautiful soul and no one can take that away from you. I went through similar hard times when I was 17 and had to move out of my parents house so I wouldn't continue being used as a punching bag. So I get it. It really freaking hurts when you feel like no one is on your side. I made it and you will too. I went through some bumps in the road but I never lost myself but it may take some time. You have us in this community who will be there for you. I'm glad you are concentrating on your studies. That's what helped me get out of my hell as well. Please contact if you need anything. God bless.
purpleclipse #3
You are such a strong person to survive in such an environment at first, but please continue surviving. You are worth something, trust me you are. And this fact can't be changed, no matter what people say. So please, do continue to live even if you don't see the reason for there is one you are not seeing right now. Thank you for surviving up until now, I hope you can do longer with more love in future
sleepingprince #4
People can be really mean at times but thats because they are probably jealous of you. Dont give in to negativity. You are perfectly fine the way you are. There's no need to changed yourself just to fit in . If they cant accept you for who you are then they are not worthy . Instead of letting their words and actions to hurt you. , you kill them with your kindness
milkia #5
It sounds like you're going through a really hard time. Parents are people who should unconditionally love you, no matter what. Whatever they say to you, just know that somebody out there will support you in what you do. Everyone's on this planet for a reason. Please don't commit suicide, it's "a permanent solution to a temporary solution". It breaks my heart that people think like this, which makes me feel guilty even though it's not my fault. It's good that you listen to music to soothe you. Keep holding onto that, and I'm sure your sister loves you as well as her boyfriend. Even if you can't write, using the skills you already have to write your feelings could help. If you ever need anybody to rant to in private, feel free to send me a PM.
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