alternative title: a very sad personal post about my dog.

i don't know if any of you will remember, but earlier this year i briefly mentioned taking some time off because of a death in the family. i never went into detail on it because the subject was still so painful, but now i think i can talk about it. don't ask why, but i just want to get it off my chest.

on january 31st 2017, my dog passed away after a very short but horrible illness.

you're probably wondering "why are you so upset about a dog?"

to me, he was more than a dog. i'll explain.

last year, i moved away with my parents. i left my friends and family behind and came to live somewhere far away. it was just me, my parents, and my dog.

i never made any friends here, so i became very close with my dog. he was the only one who i would spend time with every day and even though he probably hated me a little bit for always being with him, he was all i had.

my mental health is very messy. i suffer from a certain thing, and with that comes very severe anxiety. my dog was a great help with my anxiety because he distracted me and gave me a form of comfort. with him i felt safe because i knew he would be there to protect me and if anything happened to me he would be there.

over time, we began noticing that my dog was acting a lot older than he was. he'd be very tired after walks and hated going up hills. we thought nothing of it really, we didn't know what it was, we just thought he was being awkward.

one day, he went to the vets to get his teeth cleaned. obviously he had to do the whole anesthetic thing. he came home from the procedure and everything was okay. the vet said he'd just be a little sleepy until the next day or so. but he never got better.

as the week went on, he got worse. stopped eating and drinking, stopped doing anything. he was very sick. so he went to the vets on friday and stayed there for around two nights on fluids and having tests done.

on saturday 28th january, i found out my dog had acute kidney failure.

my world crashed down around me as the thought of losing my best friend suddenly became real. but i kept telling myself he would be okay, yet i knew he wouldn't.

he spent two nights at a regular vets, but his condition didn't improve.

on sunday, he went to the vet hospital.

he stayed there and they did more tests where we found out he was in a very bad way. his kidneys were too small for his body and we didn't know if he was born like that or if the kidney disease had done that to him over time.

his condition never improved, only got worse. it was awful. i visited him every day and he always recognised me, even the last time when he was so high on medication he could barely function.

i had never cried so much in my life before and i couldn't do anything. i couldn't work at college, i couldn't even go downstairs in my own house because seeing his things would make me cry.

when he died, it got worse. i lost my best friend and i was alone. i didn't have any friends, i didn't have anyone. for the first time in my entire life, i was without a dog.

my anxiety got worse, being alone was terrifying. i didn't want to be in the house by myself. i had so many panic attacks, i couldn't sit still. i didn't do anything. i was truly alone. my anxiety took over and i went into one of the darkest times of my life. constantly dizzy and afraid of fainting, having worrying thoughts in my head, suffering from intense headaches from the anxiety.

and whilst everyone thinks that my dog was just a family pet, he supported me through so much. he was there through the best and the worst times. everyone loved him. he was kind of a therapy dog for me and he helped me forget my anxiety.

my dog was only five years old when he died. he didn't deserve to go so soon.

and now, here i am, on the night before i'm getting my two new puppies, but i still miss him so much.

i don't know what to say anymore, i just wanted to get all this out somewhere.

i'm moving on in my life, but i'll always miss him and love him and remember him as the silly dog with the floppy ears.

but from this i can tell you one thing. during the days around his death, i thought that i would never be able to move on, that life would stop and i'd die too. but i managed to get through it. the days got easier. and even though i still get upset every now and then, i'm still going. because life continues, and he wouldn't want me to be stuck in a bad mindset, always being upset because i lost him. he would want me to be happy. and i'm really trying my best.

i hope that this post might help someone out there who might be going through something similar. life goes on, but it's important to remember those who couldn't be with you all the way through, yet you shouldn't dwell on it. remember them, but be happy. i promise that it'll get better. it might not feel like it at first, but you'll be okay.