ugh where do I start... First of all I'm doing this on AFF since I have trouble talking to my friends in real life about this. And my other internet friends don't have a similar school system as me so they won't be able to relate :( So I'm a junior in high school (11th grade), and I'm dying day by day. I lack so much motivation to study and I can't concentrate at all. I'm struggling in like 3 of my classes and I don't know what to do. I'm one of the worst in my class for timed writing essays, because I at time management and planning. I can't fix it no matter how hard I try and it's honestly so frustrating. What's worse is having to hear my other friends complaining about getting low A's on assignments. Like honestly, all I can do is stay quiet and not say anything to them since I did worse. I'm taking 7 AP classes (college classes) instead of regular high school classes and it's so stressful to handle. And it's not just my grades that I'm worried about, it's my art class. I'm in AP art, so we have to do a 12 project series this semester. I finished 6 so far, but I realized it all looked like trash and didn't flow well as a theme. I don't know why I decided to, but I restarted the ENTIRE series. Meaning those 6 projects I finished go to waste. Now I only have a month to do 9 projects (I re drew three by not sleeping at all for like 2 days and working on them constantly). But I can't do that for the rest because I need to concentrate on my other classes. The entire class is already on their 8th by now... I don't know how fast I'll need to work to catch up. I can barely even think of ideas for my projects, especially when I'm stressed. I CAN'T even coMPLAIN about it since it was my choice to start my entire series over. If I even whine, I'll probably hear a "that's why you shouldn't have re started" or "it was your choice, don't complain". I don't KNOW WHO TO TELL THEN?! And then additionally I have to retake my SAT/ACT and I don't know how I'm going to do on that tbh :( I need to get it over with before the summer so I don't have to worry about it...Academically, that's mainly why I'm suffering^ Next, I have to deal with after school clubs and activities. I'm planning on applying as an officer(like a leadership position) for either of the 2 main clubs I'm in. However, those things are hard to achieve without popularity. I'm not as outgoing or extroverted as most people, so I struggle with getting out there and making myself known. I have lots of ideas for the clubs, but I'm not friends with a lot of the current officers. Literally the same people get officer positions in like all the major clubs at our school and no one else even has a chance. What makes it worse that everyone is doing this so they can write it in their college resume. I ACTUALLY want to contribute to the club, not just use it to get into a college >_> I feel like introverts aren't appreciated enough. I really really want to go to a certain college for their graphic design program, but I honestly don't think I'll be able to get in since it's so competitive :( I don't have a backup plan either, because I literally don't want to go into the medical field because that's like 7 years of projects and residency and stuff after college itself. Business is a no, I'm not that type of person. Computer science is a maybe... but I honestly really really at program coding I suffered so much in my comp sci class last year.. I swear I can't do engineering either, esp because PHYSICS IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. The thing is, I'm not keen on getting LOTS of money, but I want enough to be comfortable and relax once in awhile, and usually art related careers aren't very high paying at all. Unless I can make it big in the graphic design industry, I'm pretty much screwed over. My parents are now more accepting of my decision to pick a design related major, but I really don't know what to do. They're still always angry at me because of my grades but it's so hard to pull them up. It doesn't help that my school is one of the hardest in my state >:(... I don't want to regret anything in the future based on decisions I make now. I can't enjoy anything now because I'm busy worrying. Happy moments go by with the snap of a finger. It because everytime I have an ounce of hope, it gets washed away when I get reminded of reality. I went through a load of crap last year (10th grade), even my friends knew something was wrong with me, and the last thing I want to happen this year is to feel like I'm dying everyday. I don't like this feeling of waking up from a dream and having to mope about the real world. This rant is honestly so unorganized, but I doubt anyone's even reading until here anyways ahaha... This is mainly just a form of releasing my anxiety (but for some reason this isn't helping UGHHH). I hate that I can't talk to my friends about it. I hate it so much. I feel so distant from them honestly. I can barely even talk to them when I feel sad, because they just dismiss it like, "oh she's just having a bad day, whatever". And my other friend just makes me feel worse because she's super negative. My other friend has "boy problems" whatever the hell that means. We're literally in high school, she makes her "boy issues" seem like they mean everything. Like honestly, that's the last thing she needs to be worrying about right now? Is that just my opinion... Idk she's just too negative about unimportant issues (for our age at least) and I can't talk to her about anything. She honestly values her guy friends/crushes/whatever over her closest friends and I can't even reach her because of that. I'm way too positive with my friends and people around me, but it's just kicking me in the because I have to hold in all my anxiety and worries until I just break down in frustration, aka right now. I AM a positive person overall; I have a good outlook on life, I'm not one of those people who think the world is bad or anything lol. After 10th grade, I attempted to get rid of my depressive states and pull myself together. And I suppose it's working to an extent... but I just- I'm at the point where I'm so disorganized in my life and don't know what to do to fix it.

Wow sorry that was hella wrong but if you made it to here, I'm sorry you had to sit through this extreme negativity yikes^ I don't know why I'm even posting this here as if it'll make a difference? I'm really stupid lol what am I trying to accomplish by doing this- 

God okay I'm gonna go sleep now, I need to get this off my mind somehow. (oh and then there's another problem. I LOVE sleeping so much now, but it bothers me that after I wake up I'm back in reality...) Sometimes I wish I could just sleep and never wake back up >.> alright I'm done here. ughcanijustdetonateorsomethinglol