Blog: I'm not dead.

Maybe, just not yet. Currently, I'm just busy with life. I don't know what's been going on here, and I don't know half the things that's happened to my friends and lovely babes; who's still around and who's gone and stuff. But this is the only platform which I use to express my feelings and frustration. So, thank you to those who are reading.

Here goes nothing.

Hi, I'm not fine. I hope that you are because I don't want you to feel like what I do now. I'm numbed with stresses guys. I don't even know what I feel most of the time anymore. I can focus when I want to, I'm not like what most people said; when you're stressed you can't do . No. I can. I'm the type that can still focus on my assignments, class and mostly anything. And maybe because of that, I am numbed towards stress. It is normal? I don't know. Maybe you guys know the answer to this while I don't.

I can hardly find the path that I'm walking on now. I am just wandering in the dark. My friends and families just don't matter anymore. No matter how hard I tried to release and relax, even when I talk to people around me, I just feel nothing. Nothing helps. It's empty.

Talking used to be the remedy to my stress and numbness. 

Nowadays, not even a simple chat can heal this invisible wound I'm having. Maybe I'm having anxiety. Maybe. I am unsure. I checked online, and I managed to get a score of 64% which definitely means I have anxiety to most studies. But I couldn't bring myself to care. I don't even know if it's true or not. I haven't got the guts to find a doctor to be sure. I even doubt that the doctor would be able to help since they'll always be the ones to tell you to get closure from families and friends. As if I didn't. Duh. Those just didn't do s.

I'm frustrated guys. That is why I can't design anymore. I can't open my shop because I just can't bring myself back to my feet. What can I do to feel better? A vacation sounds like the only option, but it can never happen when I'm still a student with no income that can sustain my life. If I were to go on a vacation myself, I'll need to prepare. I don't even want to think about the preparations coz it's causing my brain to ache.

I can only turn to you guys for some small talks. Tell me what I should do. Go and find another circle of friends who can give me peace? Or find a new hobby? If yes, what kind of new hobbies?

With love, Jas.
(25, March 2017)

Back to Top ↑

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
My_Type #1
My lecturers always tell us that we need to have a hobby or else the course I am studying with destroy you. He told us that we need to find something to do other than work.

At first it was just a some words and I didn't pay much attention to it. I didnt really havd anything that I would call my hobby. I used to read but now I don't have much time. But the first time I stumbled on AFF I started on reading, abd then writing and betaing and now designing. Half of those things I never ever thought I would enjoy doing...

It gets difficult when you can't see where you are going . I am lucky, I have one friend who kniws almost all my secret and that I know I can tell anything to. Sometimes new friends is the answer but sometimes it is opening up to old friends (that were waiting for you to open up patiently) is what you need. Opening up to old friends isdifficult. It means that you might change what they had originally thought about you when you tell them what is going on.

Vacations from you life is NB! There are different form, not just trips to a new place... But a beeak from you life.

Fighting!
star_x #2
Love yourself bby. Love yourself. Embrace all your flaws and all, dont get sad and let go small stuff that bothering you. You are not attached to anyone. No one can dictate your life. No one can tell you what to do and what not to do.

You are your own person. Discover yourself again. New hobbies or new friends are not going to work if you bound yourself to what happened in the past. Let yourself be free.

And smile, always. You should be happy and love yourself not matter how hard it is.
star_x #3
Hello bby. It's a rare occurrence that I opened blog post or even leave a comment but you are special for me so there's an exception anyway (I lost your number btw so that's why I didn't text you.)
and what you wrote above, I experienced that too before this.

What happened to me was I tried to catch up with both real (uni, classes, friends) and virtual life (in aff, deviantart etc), and it didn't work. I can't get both of them to be balanced. So I let go one, virtual life. I stopped frequently online at aff, da etc (online only to read fanfic whenever i think i need to read one because reading is always my source of calmness). I didn't let go designing but I incorporated designing in my everyday life (going uni works; flyers, poster, etc) and slowly I can live with that.

and i realised that, this is adult-ing process. The anxieties and frustration that had been there were the sign that a process to become and adult is happening. And i have to come back to the root, discovering myself in the process. I discover new things I didn't notice before, that I actually love to be around people and actually need my friends.

I went out with them, hanging out at the beach. We didnt talk, just trying to find solace. and start doing silly things. a short roadtrip, escapism to place that we never been nearby (we found out that there is a huge paddy field nearby which is almost ridiculous because we are near the beach!)

Anxiety is a . I get them a lot, especially in a new environment. It . I drained my energy a lot whenever I have to interact with people in real life but I was forced to do that whether I like it or not. I always think about what people think about me, about what I do. All the anxious feeling always clogged in my system. it's always there.

The only way i made it, I tried to fit myself (even though sometimes I dislike doing that because you are faking who you are) but that what people always do to fit in.
Back to Top ↑