Hello 

Um hey hi? okay I told you that I 

Hi Um THIS is awkward .

uhhhh um hi? Okay I promised that I would write about why I was gone. The short answer is that my account got deactivated and I started writing in another account named SassySeokJin and now I got my previous account back . Even though the short answer is true , there is a much longer and complicated answer to why I was gone.

   I am not even going to collect my thoughts or proof read this blog because I want to talk to you as a friend and not as a narrative. so I hope you can bare it for me . Even though I doubt that people would care at all. So this is my long answer to why I was gone. 

I don’t know if you guys remember but around September , I moved in to a new school because of a scholarship. If I remembered correctly , I briefly touched on how I was bullied in the first week of school. ( literary the second day of school) I hate the fact that every time I have to explain the situation in school, I have to say that I am bullied . I mean I am kind of in denial that I am going through something like that. You know , bullying was something that I thought I would only see in a movie or drama. What I mean is .. it seemed like a thing that is distant. Like I didn’t expect that I would ever go through something like this in a million years.

   I feel like I am crying out for attention or something when I tell this to people. Or I feel like I am being overdramatic or overanalysing. Before I deleted this account , I wrote two blogs trying to address this issue but I deleted them soon after. I didn’t want anyone to think I am full of my self or being fake. It’s just hard for me to open up to anyone. I feel like I am going to a burden or something. I didn’t even tell my best friend about what happens in my new school because I am just.. I don’t know .. insecure about it? 

I am going to try to be funny , I don’t want to be depressing or something. I don’t know how that would work out. 

I don’t know where to start , because I am never the type who would keep a diary. I am going to name some incidences that stuck to me the most okay? Okay the thing that s me up the most is the thing that happened in our science field trip. Because I am doing IB , we have this thing called an IA ( this is like a lab report on a topic you are interested in ) We went to this place in the hillside and decided to do a lab on how different temperatures effect the dissolved oxygen content within the lake. This is a 6 hour long lab because we had to go in the morning where the temperature was low and continue  until mid-day until the temperature was high. There is a dissolved oxygen probe you are supposed to stick in to the water to take dissolved oxygen measurements. You have to take 25 samples per minute for each temperature , I had to keep the probe inside the water  for 25 minutes. 

=__=

So while I was busy holding the probe under the water in the lake , my team members decided to play cricket. OKAY WHUT ?? These es are cray. Mind you , we didn’t Have any bats or balls. They literary took the meterstick ( which I kind of needed for the experiment , thank you very much) as the bat  and some rocks from the river bank as balls  and started going at it . I told them once that it was dangerous but who am I kidding ? They don’t care what I say.

I was balls deep in the river with my probe taking dissolved oxygen samples when saw , sensed a rock just pass through like 5 millimetres away  from my face. I swear if it was 0.5 millimetres away , It could’ve hit my face or worse my eye !  I whipped my head back to see them laughing. There is this one boy who bullies me everyday and call me names. Lets call him Assbutt. He was the one who was batting. I expected him to apologise. He looked at me and said “ I am sorry , I was aiming at your face” Then his little friends started laughing at it . 

I mean … how am I suppose to respond to that? 

No one told him to stop or no one asked me if I was okay . No one asked me if I was cold or even tried to help me. I mean .. I don’t expected anyone to help me but it feels like to be in that position. 

My whole body paralysed and I wanted just to cry. Our teacher teacher wasn’t around . I had no one .  I said “ Its not that easy .. why don’t you try?” I shouldn’t have said that. I really should have not said that looking back. Because he started batting the balls at my direction constantly. He missed every ball at me. Nothing landed on my body. I just stayed there without moving away. 

Okay .. why did I just run to save my life ? well , to answer your question my dear one … My pride is bigger than anything. I felt like if I ran away in that situation , I would have been a coward. Eventually when he missed every chance, he stopped . 

I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry at all. I went to the  washroom and cried my whole eyes out. 

Mr. Assbutt got his revenge eventually . On the ride back to our school he pushed me out of my seat on the bus. My head hit on the seat in front of me . I guess he just wanted to see me hurt. I do get hurt easily because I am physically very weak. Like i can’t even open a water bottle to save my life okay ?

Hmm what else happened? oh I mean people taking behind my back is pretty normal. I mean I don’t get why I get so much hate . I was so hated from the moment I step foot to this school. I mean I didn’t even do anything to anyone. I rarely talk. I rarely get mad. I rarely shout at people. I mean , I do everything to help around. ( i think i do ) 

So there is this guy called ‘annoying eel’ . So he always treat me like crap. He is the same history class as me and we had to find sources for a topic for an assessment. He texted me asking me where to find sources. Me being me , I always want to help people.  I said “ Its pretty easy to find sources for history stuff. You just type the topic and find the wikipedia page and when you scroll down you see the bibliography section. There are sources there” The next day he came on to me and shouted at me. “ Where is the ing bibliography page ? I don’t ing see it” I was so confused and I went on my computer and checked in front of him. You know when sometimes the bibliography page is called the reference page in wikipedia ?  I was like “ see ? there it is !” he was like “ Thats a reference page” I was so shocked ? like are you dumb ?? “ Reference and bibliography means the same thing” I said,. Then he was like “ well it doesn’t matter now any more. you should’ve told me it was reference. Its your fault  ” and he kicked his chair. Like whoa … why are you getting mad at ME bro ? Its clearly is your fault ?? 

I mean , I am in this Service group where we go to help the people in a  cancer hospital. Its a service group in school. I don’t want to be conceited but Like , I am a girl. Sometimes I expected to be treated like one. Overtime we had to move things around he would throw boxes at me to carry and expected me to do everything. I mean I am okay with doing the work but the problem is that I am the only girl handling the heavy stuff. Mr annoying eel  would force  me carry boxes but he would not let other girls in my service group carry boxes. I mean … AM i a ing slave or a your little ?   

   Our school organised a carnival and our home room teacher announced it. She was like everyone should come for the carnival to help out. She was like people who can’t make it , should raise their hand. I raised my hand because I knew I couldn’t make it ( plus I didn’t want to ) Then I heard some one in the back say “ you weren’t invited anyway” And everyone laughed at me. 

 This is not just it . `i have so many more things to tell .  I mean , I can go in to detail about how my life but that would take a lifetime. I don’t want to keep talking about it because it makes me very anxious. I want to tell my friends in my old school but I just can’t bring myself to say it . I feel lonely all the time. I don’t have anyone to talk to . I don’t want ti seem like a burden. People are very quick to judge. i specially don’t want to look weak. 

You try to be strong and strong and strong and then you just loose all hope. I just told a fraction of what happened to me in that school on a daily basis. I don’t know how to finish it. It’s like , I would prefer if they beat me to death than making me suffer psychologically. No one talks tome in school . I sit alone , I eat alone and I do everything alone . I know I sound so stupid but I want you to know that this disunion was not a overnight thing. I didn’t decide this overnight. The reason I told you these stories of me being mentally and sometimes physically tortured is to make you understand that I didn’t take the decision overnight. 

I deleted my AFF account and several other social medias. I wrote a long letter to my mum about why I couldn’t take this anymore and I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed all the aspirin tablets I could get my hands on and drank all of it . I drank all and went to my bed ad hope that I wouldst open my eyes every again. It numbed my feelings, matter of fact It numbed my fingers. My heart rate sped up in a inhumane speed  , it seriously did feel like I was dying. I cried myself to sleep. I thought I will not wake up again

   I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I woke up in the morning, I threw up a lot , went to the hospital. Got medicine. The doctors thought it was a unintentional overdose and I lied to my parents that I took a lot of aspirin because I wanted to sleep. Not because I wanted to kill myself. I felt like absolute crap after that. I mean , I mean , like I felt like a ing failure. I can’t even ing die and be gone. 

I mean , I am not going to write in to detail of I felt that week. I honestly don’t wanna even remember . It was a mixture of disappointment , gladness and a big blur of confusion . I thought what was the meaning of living over and over again. I cried the whole nights away. I didn’t want to go back. I just wanted to be on my bed … be sick … and never go back ever again.

I knew I can’t do that. I can’t disappoint my parents or I can’t disturb my education. I have to go to this place. I might as well pick myself up back again. I thought I might go insane , my whole body was always in the verge of fainting. I had panic attacks almost every night that week. I didnt know what to do.

  I enjoy writing . As ty as my writing can get , I still enjoyed writing. It was the only that kept me happy and alive. I was always alone and tired but writing made me really really content . As cheesy as this may sound , I love reading every single one of your comments. They seriously makes my day.

I receive so much love and affection from you guys and I feel less lonely. It’s like someone ing cares . I deactivated my account and I couldn’t access this account . I felt horrible . I felt like I threw away my only outlet where I can laugh or cry or vent .   I decided to start over again. So I made a new account named SassySeokJin and kept on writing. Now that I figured got my account back , I can share this story and complete all the stories which I didn’t have access to before. You don’t know how happy I am when it re-activated my account . 

Although I recovered , although  I try to be more positive . I still get mean encounters in my school  almost everyday. 

  For example Our school’s prom is next week and some girl came up to me to and asked “ Are you going to prom?” And I answered yes.Because everyone kind of have to go. Then she asked “ Do you have a date?” I said No to that because .. your homegirl don’t do dating or relationships. I can barely love myself. She looked me up and down judgementally and said “ I can imagine why ..” And just LEAVES . Like hold up ? what? It was like she thought less of me that I don’t have a date and she does . It felt almost insulting. I can imagine why .. please tell me why you can figure out why my love life is empty . Is it because I look ugly ? or is it because I am weird ? or what ? what did I do ?  why did you snap chatted about my nose being too big ? why do you tell me i look sick without makeup ? are you going to tell me that i am being too sensitive  ? 

You know what . I don’t really care anymore . I am going to keep doing what I love. its just one more year to go. 

hope this wasn’t too sappy for you. I hate opening up and being vulnerable but you guys are like my close friends. 

i will get back to writing my stories and I hope you guys enjoy them~

 loner_