Review of Heartfelt Voice by GreenGardenPop

Story Link: Heartfelt Voice

Poster/Graphics

• I love it. The poster shows the contrast between Baekhyun and Baewoon and how Jiyeon is torn between them.

Opening Scene

• The starting scene was perfect and relevant as you continued to reference it throughout the story.
• It will definitely hook future readers in.

Characterisation

• Jiyeon is very compelling in her strong disbelief in mental illnesses and is exceptionally naïve sometimes, when she kept mistaking a person’s relative as a partner. She also relies heavily on her mother. I understand that during her schooling experiences, she never befriended people, but have other students tried to talk to her? Her father has mentioned that she always studied on her own. Wouldn’t that have created a sense of independence where she controlled when she studied and her schedule within the household? Maybe her mother has not accepted that her daughter is no longer a child. I know that Jiyeon is a twenty-two-year-old Korean and Koreans tend to rely on their parents during college/university. However, I think Jiyeon should be a little more independent. For example; not having the impulse to call her mother every day after school; organising her own sleeping schedule so that her mother does not have to wake her up.
• My first question to you is, are you religious? The reason I ask you is that there are some strange instances that do not reflect what the main character beliefs which may be caused by your not being devout. As I am very religious, I find myself frowning in confusion most of the time. The character often mentions that she loves herself too much and that she is the youngest teacher. This violates what the Bible says, to be humble and not boast.
• Religion is about having faith. When Jiyeon claims that she saw the ghost of her grandfather, she does not think that it was a joke or hallucination (her young age may have contributed to it) rather, she believes it, which was good.
• She is sceptic about psychology and psychiatry which does not reflect her mindset in regards to religion. Of course, mental illnesses have not been scientifically proven thus far but so has God. Now if we generalise Christianity, you would notice that God’s existence is based on stories and accounts of supposed people who lived thousands of years ago, the same goes for mental diseases. However, you pointed out throughout the story that it was known before that chemical imbalances in the brain caused mental illness, but that has been disproven by many experts. I just do not understand her strong disapproval of mental illness unless you intentionally fabricated Jiyeon to fluctuate between opinions and emotions on certain subjects.
• I like the motif in the story with Baekwoon. It gives something for the readers to hold on to during and after the story. It also acts similar to a slogan that Baekwoon says. It creates a sense of possession from Baekwoon’s role and how he considers Jiyeon as his partner when she has barely acknowledged him, showing his determination. You have displayed his character excellently albeit not enough as of current.

Plot and Conflict

• The external and internal conflicts of Jiyeon is portrayed and well defined. Apart from the mental illness which I discussed, the conflicts seemed believable and justified.
• You clearly showed tension and placed stakes to make your story a ‘pageturner’ while avoiding clichés.
• Everything adds up even the plot twist and how the characters react to events throughout the story.

Pacing

• The scenes progress in a realistic manner with effective transitions that contribute to the plot.
• The story does not seem rushed or dragged. The current pace is perfect.
• There are not that many hooks at the end or beginning of chapters If you start incorporating them, the story will become more interesting and compelling.

Setting and Word Building

• All details enhance and do not diminish plot or effect of the story.
• Descriptions are mostly vivid and give a clear sense of time and place. There is just one sentence bugging me; “The page roller made a very loud annoying sound” (Chapter 7, first sentence). The phrase ‘a very loud annoying sound’ is a vague way from describing the sound. You can say, “The cacophony of scraping machinery assaulted her ears.” Incompetency in description will not attract many readers so you need to make sure that description is consistent. 

Dialogue

• You balanced dialogue and narration perfectly.
• The dialogue between characters seem natural and are distinct from each other. It also moves the plot forward and reveal character’s development.

Craftsmanship

• Your writing predominantly shows and only tells when appropriate.
• Writing quality allows the story and plot to shine and draws readers in.
• The tone and tense are kept consistent throughout the story.

Overall Impression

• The plot is very interesting and how Jiyeon thinks is new to me in fanfiction. I’d like to see where it goes.

Additional Comments

• I had fun reading your story and yelling at my screen. I will keep an eye on it as a reader so do not worry.
• Well, that’s it! Thank you for accepting me to review your story and I hope you will be able to improve to be the best writer you can!