WELCOME HOME, 혜성
《WELCOME HOME, HYESUNG》
《SAYING THIS MAKES ME MISS YOU EVEN MORE》
prologue : he's a ball of stress, a knot of anxiety wound so tight and threatening to unravel. he's a soft voice, raspy with disuse and punctuated with lethargy. he's the tears that go unnoticed by the only other two people in his house, leaving tracks in their wake as they slide down soft cheeks. he's sleepless nights spent wandering around in the cold, lost in the memories he isn't even sure are real. he's tousled bed head and bitten nails, hands reaching out to grasp whatever's within reach only to have it slip between his fingers. he's shower time thoughts, drowning in the endless pool of questions which his mind provides. he's the feeling that settles over campus after the last friday class, quiet and empty. he is kim hyesung, and he is ready for spring to come.
SYMPHONY :
HYESUNG'S PLAYLIST
+ sam kim ↣ who_are_you.mp3
+ standing egg ↣ voice.mp3
+ urban zakapa ↣ i_don't_love_you.mp3
+ standing egg ↣ voice.mp3
+ urban zakapa ↣ i_don't_love_you.mp3
SPRING IS HERE
+ punch, chanyeol ↣ stay_with_me.mp3
+ heize ↣ star.mp3
+ heize ↣ star.mp3
FOCUS ON THEIR VOICES
+ luna ↣ breathe.mp3
+ j rabbit ↣ smile.mp3
+ luna ↣ my_medicine.mp3
+ simon d, gray, one ↣ comfortable.mp3
+ luna, shin youngjae ↣ it's_you.mp3
+ j rabbit ↣ smile.mp3
+ luna ↣ my_medicine.mp3
+ simon d, gray, one ↣ comfortable.mp3
+ luna, shin youngjae ↣ it's_you.mp3
《unlike the snowflakes melting on your skin》
personality :
is this normal? to feel so unexplainably anxious at every single waking moment? to have that be one of your defining traits? do other people feel like this or is it just me? am i weird because of it? DO I IGNORE IT OR DO I SEEK HELP; DO I EVEN NEED HELP? WHO WOULD EVEN WANT TO HELP SOMEONE LIKE ME...? just... just contain it and everything should be fine, never let anyone see you break down. if you feel yourself starting to unravel then just sew yourself back together. — KHS 2014
hyesung is secretly destructive, a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off and obliterate himself. he stands off to the side as life passes him by, wanting desperately to catch up but unsure of how to do so. the sinking feeling in his stomach is a constant, the never ending rambling of his mind one of his only friends.
his exterior runs perpendicular to his interior, only letting certain parts of his anxiety ridden self intersect with the image he attempts to portray, trying to keep everthing else contained. he keeps himself quiet and hides behind a veil of false serenity, desperately trying to make himself appear small but wishing he was big enough for someone to finally take notice. he's a background character in a sea of protagonists, the one made out to be a walking charity case even if everyone's too kind to point out the obvious.
everything shatters the minute he parts his lips, broken sentences rolling off his tongue and resembling the state of his family as his voice trembles with something akin to fear. the veil is torn as his mannerisms fight their way to the surface, subtle flinches and recoils unable to contain. he attempts to conform his lips into easy smiles, hoping they look natural but knowing nothing can mask a sadness as vast as his. his eyes speak volumes of his longing for anything resembling affection, gaze lingering on happy couples and best friends as yearning washes over him like a gentle wave. it's not as if he doesn't have friends but his mind tries to convince him otherwise, whispering reasons for what might be superficial friendship.
he tells himself he'll get better, that he'll reach a point in his life where he's not anxious every waking minute soon.
he tells himself that he's worthy of both giving and receiving love, that some day there will be someone who enjoys his company as much as he enjoys theirs.
he tells himself that his smile is as natural as theirs are, that someone will want to hold his hand once they realise it.
he tells himself that his voice holds power, that it's enough to make plates shatter against the wall near his head.
he tells himself that he is normal.
background :
A LOOK INTO HYESUNG'S JOURNAL
lifestyle :
hyesung's financial state is one of the better things in his life, his bank account balance a bit higher than the average college student's due to his incessant saving and added income from his part time job at the library. he's not one to spend money on things he wants, only buying the necessities and maybe a treat for himself when he's really in need of it. when you don't have many friends and, therefore, don't go out much, it's much easier to save money.
while he's been in the same classes with most of the same people who also share his major for a few semesters, he doesn't know if he could call any of them friends. he's on amicable terms with most of them but he knows their relationships will never go past the classroom door. to many of his classmates, he's the tired library assisstant whose dark circles seem to be getting worse with each passing day. to them, he's a gentle soul, accepting his carefully constructed smile as real as he directs them to the book they need.
he might not have many friends but he at least has one, and he considers himself lucky to at least have one. song joongi is everything he is not, he simultaneously makes hyesung feel comfortable and worse about himself whenever they're together, the differences between them obvious. they are not each other's best friend, but they are friends nonetheless. their time is spent together studying in the library, joongi slipping crackers over to hyesung every so often since he forgets to eat. other times they are sitting on a bench outside, hyesung's voice less shaky as he talks about his classes and joongi listening with an encouraging smile. he doesn't talk about anything too personal with the other boy, keeping everything at a shallow level since he's too worried about scaring him off. they see each other maybe once a week at most, joongi having his othermore important friends to spend time with as well. (he's going to leave you for them, his mind whispers. no, he won't, hyesung replies firmly).
he's still living at home, still attempting to fall asleep to the same lullaby of yells that has been on repeat since he was a child. he's never actively thought of moving out, too anxious about the prospect of telling his parents (what if they yell at me? what if they hate me and decide to never talk to me again? what if they don't let me go and i'm trapped here forever?), but he'd be a fool to pass up the opportunity when presented with it.
hyesung's financial state is one of the better things in his life, his bank account balance a bit higher than the average college student's due to his incessant saving and added income from his part time job at the library. he's not one to spend money on things he wants, only buying the necessities and maybe a treat for himself when he's really in need of it. when you don't have many friends and, therefore, don't go out much, it's much easier to save money.
while he's been in the same classes with most of the same people who also share his major for a few semesters, he doesn't know if he could call any of them friends. he's on amicable terms with most of them but he knows their relationships will never go past the classroom door. to many of his classmates, he's the tired library assisstant whose dark circles seem to be getting worse with each passing day. to them, he's a gentle soul, accepting his carefully constructed smile as real as he directs them to the book they need.
he might not have many friends but he at least has one, and he considers himself lucky to at least have one. song joongi is everything he is not, he simultaneously makes hyesung feel comfortable and worse about himself whenever they're together, the differences between them obvious. they are not each other's best friend, but they are friends nonetheless. their time is spent together studying in the library, joongi slipping crackers over to hyesung every so often since he forgets to eat. other times they are sitting on a bench outside, hyesung's voice less shaky as he talks about his classes and joongi listening with an encouraging smile. he doesn't talk about anything too personal with the other boy, keeping everything at a shallow level since he's too worried about scaring him off. they see each other maybe once a week at most, joongi having his other
he's still living at home, still attempting to fall asleep to the same lullaby of yells that has been on repeat since he was a child. he's never actively thought of moving out, too anxious about the prospect of telling his parents (what if they yell at me? what if they hate me and decide to never talk to me again? what if they don't let me go and i'm trapped here forever?), but he'd be a fool to pass up the opportunity when presented with it.
trivia :
+ journal : over the past few years, hyesung has been keeping a journal of his daily thoughts. it's been rather therepeutic for him to write everything down, but it's also made it more apparent to him just how much he's unwraveled over time
+ library : the library is literally his second home, he spends hours in it after school in order to prolongue his time away from his actual home. he always sits at the same spot and many other students have dubbed it "the philosophy kid's" spot unbeknowst to him.
+ luna : hyesung is a major f(x) fan and his favorite member is luna. her vocals are very soothing for him and whenever he's feeling especially anxious, he plays his "focus on their voices" playlist which has a number of luna's songs. he hopes that he'll be able to see her live one day and maybe even thank her for everything she's done for him (if he's even able to get the words out, that is)
+ the sixth tenant : he doesn't see the sixth tenant as just a ghost they're helping out, but sees her as a prospective friend as well. he finds her antics a bit amusing, looking forward to the sticky notes she leaves for them. he'll reply to her in his shaky voice, picking up the note to look at it closely before setting it back in place. he enjoys her company and he hopes that she enjoys his.
+ sleep (the lack of) : hyesung has never been able to fall asleep easily, the voices echoing inside his house and head too loud for him to ignore. that's why many of his nights were spent in the park instead of his bed, sitting on the swings was much better than laying in bed with no chance of sleeping. HE'S GOTTEN USED TO STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND ON THE RARE OCCASION THAT HIS HOUSE WAS SILENT, IT WAS STILL HARD FOR HIM TO FALL ASLEEP. now that he's away from all the yelling, he's hoping that he'll be able to catch up on all the sleep that he's missed.
+ im jiae : they meet in the house, both quiet and drawn into themselves. she's beautiful, too beautiful for you, his mind whispers. he attempts conversation, she attempts to reciprocate, silence eventually settling over them whenever they're alone. he's never seen anyone more beautiful and his heart twinges with longing, yearning for an affection which she will probably never give him. things begin to change when she gets sick, he brings her soup to eat in bed and spoon feeds her when she's too weak to do it herself. he stays with her, listening as she rambles in her sick haze and he finds himself answering with musings of his own. they get closer after that, conversations flowing naturally and smiles more genuine. they share things, about their pasts and presents, voices shakey as they tell stories which they never thought about saying outloud. she's his first best friend, his saving grace, and he loves her as she does him, but not in the way he first felt about her. and he's perfectly fine with that.
+ LIKES : SOFT SWEATERS, PAPERBACK BOOKS, THE FIRST WORD WRITTEN WITH A NEW PEN, ballads, the idea of love, f(x)
+ dislikes : loud noises, jump scares, the sound of porcelain breaking, his inability to comfortably talk to people, loud conversations in the library
+ journal : over the past few years, hyesung has been keeping a journal of his daily thoughts. it's been rather therepeutic for him to write everything down, but it's also made it more apparent to him just how much he's unwraveled over time
+ library : the library is literally his second home, he spends hours in it after school in order to prolongue his time away from his actual home. he always sits at the same spot and many other students have dubbed it "the philosophy kid's" spot unbeknowst to him.
+ luna : hyesung is a major f(x) fan and his favorite member is luna. her vocals are very soothing for him and whenever he's feeling especially anxious, he plays his "focus on their voices" playlist which has a number of luna's songs. he hopes that he'll be able to see her live one day and maybe even thank her for everything she's done for him (if he's even able to get the words out, that is)
+ the sixth tenant : he doesn't see the sixth tenant as just a ghost they're helping out, but sees her as a prospective friend as well. he finds her antics a bit amusing, looking forward to the sticky notes she leaves for them. he'll reply to her in his shaky voice, picking up the note to look at it closely before setting it back in place. he enjoys her company and he hopes that she enjoys his.
+ sleep (the lack of) : hyesung has never been able to fall asleep easily, the voices echoing inside his house and head too loud for him to ignore. that's why many of his nights were spent in the park instead of his bed, sitting on the swings was much better than laying in bed with no chance of sleeping. HE'S GOTTEN USED TO STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND ON THE RARE OCCASION THAT HIS HOUSE WAS SILENT, IT WAS STILL HARD FOR HIM TO FALL ASLEEP. now that he's away from all the yelling, he's hoping that he'll be able to catch up on all the sleep that he's missed.
+ im jiae : they meet in the house, both quiet and drawn into themselves. she's beautiful, too beautiful for you, his mind whispers. he attempts conversation, she attempts to reciprocate, silence eventually settling over them whenever they're alone. he's never seen anyone more beautiful and his heart twinges with longing, yearning for an affection which she will probably never give him. things begin to change when she gets sick, he brings her soup to eat in bed and spoon feeds her when she's too weak to do it herself. he stays with her, listening as she rambles in her sick haze and he finds himself answering with musings of his own. they get closer after that, conversations flowing naturally and smiles more genuine. they share things, about their pasts and presents, voices shakey as they tell stories which they never thought about saying outloud. she's his first best friend, his saving grace, and he loves her as she does him, but not in the way he first felt about her. and he's perfectly fine with that.
+ LIKES : SOFT SWEATERS, PAPERBACK BOOKS, THE FIRST WORD WRITTEN WITH A NEW PEN, ballads, the idea of love, f(x)
+ dislikes : loud noises, jump scares, the sound of porcelain breaking, his inability to comfortably talk to people, loud conversations in the library
HYESUNG SAYS
(AND HE WISHES HE SAID)
— "i don't know, mom." don't drag me into this, please...
— "i'm doing fine." i haven't slept in two days.
— "don't worry about me." i can feel myself unraveling.
— "at least i have the moon to keep me company." it's so cold tonight.
— "i would die for luna." like, actually die.
— "i-i don't mind, it's ok." you're going to leave me, aren't you?
— "t-that book is in the second to last row on the right." you're cute
— more tba
— "i'm doing fine." i haven't slept in two days.
— "don't worry about me." i can feel myself unraveling.
— "at least i have the moon to keep me company." it's so cold tonight.
— "i would die for luna." like, actually die.
— "i-i don't mind, it's ok." you're going to leave me, aren't you?
— "t-that book is in the second to last row on the right." you're cute
— more tba
《i'LL become a cherry blossom & fly to you》
interlude
hello, HYESUNG. it makes me happy to see you here on this sunny saturday morning. would you like some tea?
— he fiddles with the hem of his sweater, nervousness seeping out of his pores and broadcasted for everyone to see. "it's nice to see you too, mr. hwang," his voice is shaky no matter how hard he tries to steady it, lips spreading to what he hopes is a friendly smile. "ah, i would love some tea, t-thank you."
he berates himself in his mind for stuttering as he takes the initiative to pour his own tea, filling the cup only halfway. "would you like some as well?" his mouth moves too fast for his mind to stop it and his cheeks color when he notices your amused stare as you take a sip from your own cup. "n-nevermind," he curses internally again as he quickly sets down the tea pot.
— he fiddles with the hem of his sweater, nervousness seeping out of his pores and broadcasted for everyone to see. "it's nice to see you too, mr. hwang," his voice is shaky no matter how hard he tries to steady it, lips spreading to what he hopes is a friendly smile. "ah, i would love some tea, t-thank you."
he berates himself in his mind for stuttering as he takes the initiative to pour his own tea, filling the cup only halfway. "would you like some as well?" his mouth moves too fast for his mind to stop it and his cheeks color when he notices your amused stare as you take a sip from your own cup. "n-nevermind," he curses internally again as he quickly sets down the tea pot.
PLEASE PARDON MY NOSINESS, but what made you want to move into this house?
— he takes a sip of tea to calm his nerves as he listens to your next question, nose scrunching ever so slightly as the liquid burns his tongue. "ah, well... after you mentioned the prospect of me moving in here the other day, i was very intrigued," he pauses to clear his throat. "it's... in all honesty, it's an offer that i would be an idiot to refuse."
i see... i hope you will FIND WHAT YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR IN THIS HOUSE, then.
— "thank you..." he responds automatically, taking another careful sip of his tea before setting it down on the side table.
(mr. hwang sips his tea quietly, eyes staring at the curtains of the living room, dancing in the spring breeze. hyesung's eyes dart towards the direction he's looking before darting back to the ground, head bowed slightly in order to appear small. after a minute or two, hyesung finally works up the courage to call out to him, startling him.)
...oh, i am sorry, my child. WHERE DID I- ah, Would you mind describing a typical day in your life?
— a twinge of comfort surges through him at the term of endearment used by his teacher, the corners of his lips curling up in a faint, genuine grin. "um, well, i'm only at school in the morning this semester, on tuesdays, wednesdays, and thursdays, from 8AM to about 12PM... after school i usually just study in the library until it closes," so that i don't have to go home is left unsaid as his brows furrow in thought, a frown now adorning his lips. "i have a, um, shift at the local l-library every saturday, sunday, and monday from 11AM to 5PM... other than that, i'm usually just studying..." boring, his mind whispers.
mr. hwang nods sympathetically, an encouraging smile gracing his lips.
mr. hwang nods sympathetically, an encouraging smile gracing his lips.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS HOUSE? I told you it was originally built for someone your age. now that you saw everything, do you think you'd like it here?
— he glances up from the floor in a moment of bravery, catching mr. hwang's eyes before quickly darting back down. he fiddles with the hem of his sweater again, not used to having someone's undivided attention for this long. "i really like h-how bright it is in the house, we don't have as many windows in my house so it's a nice change," he replies, nodding slightly as if agreeing with himself.
— he glances up from the floor in a moment of bravery, catching mr. hwang's eyes before quickly darting back down. he fiddles with the hem of his sweater again, not used to having someone's undivided attention for this long. "i really like h-how bright it is in the house, we don't have as many windows in my house so it's a nice change," he replies, nodding slightly as if agreeing with himself.
after you have seen every room in this house, which room would you like to live in?
— he reaches for his cup again, holding it in two hands as he takes another sip of his now lukewarm tea. he lets the liquid coat his throat which is beginning to become sore since he usually doesn't speak this much all at once. "ah, well... i don't really have a preference, i would just like a roommate. i don't really want to be alone..." he trails off, staring into his tea as if it holds the answers to every question he's ever asked. mr. hwang patiently waits for him to break out of his trance, eyes trailing to the curtains again before moving back to the boy in front of him.
hyesung snaps out of it abruptly, murmuring a soft apology as he sets his cup down again. "ah, where was i?" he clears his throat. "yes, um, i would prefer having a roommate. i-i know that it might be a bit troublesome to have me as a roommate since i tend to study late but i can always just study in the living room to not disturb the other person..." he nods to himself as if he's already planned this out in his mind, willing to do what he needed in order to befriend his possible roommate.
hyesung snaps out of it abruptly, murmuring a soft apology as he sets his cup down again. "ah, where was i?" he clears his throat. "yes, um, i would prefer having a roommate. i-i know that it might be a bit troublesome to have me as a roommate since i tend to study late but i can always just study in the living room to not disturb the other person..." he nods to himself as if he's already planned this out in his mind, willing to do what he needed in order to befriend his possible roommate.
I see. we'll see how things will work out ONCE THE LIST OF TENANTS IS COMPLETED. before we finish this interview... do you have any questions or concerns regarding your possible future in the share house?
— his teeth find purchase in his lower lip, head tilting slightly to the right as he thinks. "i suppose i'm just a little worried about the other tenants you might choose..." his voice is hesitant, shaking as he tries not to offend you. "i just - i don't do well with very loud people or ones who have short tempers... loud noises always catch me off guard," he offers as an explanation, hoping it's sufficient enough. "i mean, if you do choose loud people, i'm sure i'll get used to it," liar, his mind whispers.
(he chuckles, emptying his cup of tea, an amused look on his face as he musters HYESUNG for a few seconds.)
WELL, we'll see what we can do about that. since our time together is over for now, you may go upstairs to the rooftop and tell the next person to come to the living room. thank you for the nice chat we had.
WELL, we'll see what we can do about that. since our time together is over for now, you may go upstairs to the rooftop and tell the next person to come to the living room. thank you for the nice chat we had.
— he nods, putting on his best smile as he rises from his chair. "thank you, mr. hwang," his hand reaches out for the teacher to shake, bowing slightly when he does so.
hyesung doesn't know what to feel as he turns to the stairs, he was hopeful but knew that all the other prospective tenants were probably much better than he was. in a fit of bravery, he pauses on the second step and turns his head to look back at his teacher. "this really is a beautiful house, mr. hwang," he says, continuing to walk up the stairs after mr. hwang sends him an encouraging smile.
hyesung doesn't know what to feel as he turns to the stairs, he was hopeful but knew that all the other prospective tenants were probably much better than he was. in a fit of bravery, he pauses on the second step and turns his head to look back at his teacher. "this really is a beautiful house, mr. hwang," he says, continuing to walk up the stairs after mr. hwang sends him an encouraging smile.
《i'LL PUT AN END TO THIS LONG WINTER.》
《WELCOME HOME, DANI》
SCENE REQUESTS :
+ i would lov that sick scene i mentioned in jiae's section in the trivia!
+ two of the tenants are arguing one night and hyesung's automatic response is to climb out the window, his roommate sees and instantly pulls him back since he thinks he's trying to kill himself
+ i'd lov to see interactions with the sixth tenant, i think they would be sweet friends. she would probably be his first friend in the house besides jiae.
+ him creating actual, genuine friendships within the house and in turn finding himself :')
+ i'll add more when i think of them !!!
+ i would lov that sick scene i mentioned in jiae's section in the trivia!
+ two of the tenants are arguing one night and hyesung's automatic response is to climb out the window, his roommate sees and instantly pulls him back since he thinks he's trying to kill himself
+ i'd lov to see interactions with the sixth tenant, i think they would be sweet friends. she would probably be his first friend in the house besides jiae.
+ him creating actual, genuine friendships within the house and in turn finding himself :')
+ i'll add more when i think of them !!!
comments : i'm dead i finished this in a day lol anyway, i hope u like my soft anxious boy :') he was a trip for me to write since he's the physical embodiement of my own anxiety, so it made me v anxious while writing him which is why i sped through this real quick lol anyways best of luck with everything, lina!
also, quick note about him and jiae's lil relationship. i don't intend for her to be his actual love interest but more along the lines of he has a crush on her at first but then realizes it was simple infatuation as they grow closer and become best friends instead; i see her as a character that helps him grow as a person.
also, quick note about him and jiae's lil relationship. i don't intend for her to be his actual love interest but more along the lines of he has a crush on her at first but then realizes it was simple infatuation as they grow closer and become best friends instead; i see her as a character that helps him grow as a person.
momentum : threatening to unravel
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