Story Link: Phantom: A Walking Dead

Author’s Profile Link: bwtplove

Review of Phantom: A Walking Dead by bwtplove

• The poster didn’t catch my attention at all. To me, it seemed poorly done (graphic designer wise) but it did create a sense of horror.

Opening Scene

• Using a prologue to introduce the characters seemed a bit off because you took most of the opportunities for a reader to discover a character’s personality away. I think it would have been better if you started with snippets of the class that were cursed before and a mini narration that describes the curse and its applications.

Characterisation

• Yuri’s character affects the reader to root for her survival and she seems very realistic with a distinct flaw which is hiding her emotions under a façade to appear strong.
• I think you wrote Yuri’s character somewhat well. If described her emotions more fluently, she would be understood more clearly.
• The secondary characters (Luhan, Sunny, Jessica) appeared to be written just to spur the story on. I’m sure if you had planned to write a few more chapters, they would have been developed a lot better. I understand if you wanted them to appear mysterious.

Plot/Conflict

• I know you took the plot from the anime, Another, so I can’t really say much. Only that the plot twist at the end was expected but still surprising and that Kris was the one who started the mass killing not the curse unless you count the effects the curse has psychologically.
• You also created enough tension to keep the reader on edge.

Pacing

• I felt that the pace of the story was too quick. All events that happened, spanned within two days in the story. It just seemed very, very fast.
• Most of the pacing problem came from how you wrote which will be discussed below.

Setting and Word Building

• Your description is sometimes clear but most of the time, not vividly clear.
  Example: (Chapter three) “It’s so crowded let sends two of us to get the lunch while the rest wait in here.” Hyoyeon unnie suggested which everyone agrees so at the end Taeyeon unnie and Sunny unnie were going to get the lunch while we ‘all waiting here.
  Explanation: you established that two girls were going to wait in line while the others ‘wait in here’. You didn’t describe where they were going to wait; by the doors, near the line, a table, or outside the lobby. This forces the reader to pick a place that may not correspond with what you are writing and the plot which is very important.
• Always be clear in your writing and describe the setting before moving on.

Dialogue

• Dialogue moves the story forward and reveal characters. You did a good job with it.
• At times, there was more dialogue than narration (see chapter two for reference) which does become quite boring and monotonous. If you wrote more about a person’s emotion, what they looked like to the OC, the surroundings or what the OC was thinking at that moment, you would have balanced narration and dialogue perfectly.

Craftsmanship

• I don’t know if you noticed, but you tended to waffle on; repeat and drag on about the same thing.
  Example: (Chapter two) “It’s not nonsense though. Maybe the girl behind you was already a body that got no soul.” Upon his words, the thunder started growling which make all of us scream in fear since the girl that behind Hyoyeon unnie was Seohyun, she seated alone and when Heechul oppa mentioned her name she started to glare at us.

I never thought Seohyun could look this scary. I mean, I do know that she’s scary but I thought she just wants to be alone or something but as Heechul oppa said that, it makes me grow some fear on her.
Explanation: It has been established from the beginning of the story that Seohyun is very intimidating so there is no need to write the bottom paragraph.

• I’m sure you know that there are many, many grammatical mistakes. If these are not fixed, potential readers will leave because they may not be able to understand they are reading and give up trying to make sense of the story.
• I noticed that you wrote probability in the form of percentage (0.1%) in two chapters (seven and five). It is better not to do that because it gives the reader a definite number of probability which throws them off and subtracts the atmosphere of the story. You can write low chance, unlikely or impossible.  

Overall Impression

• As a reader, this story didn’t excite me, mainly because I have already watched Another and know what will happen. 

Additional Comments

• In the prologue, Seohyun clearly told the girls how to break the curse. Did everybody forget about it?
• Why did you write in Comic Sans? If you didn’t know, Comic Sans is one of the most disliked fonts and is mainly used for memes to ‘trigger’ people. If you think that Comic Sans is appropriate for your story, then by all means use it.
• I’m saying this to not hurt your feelings but as a reviewer, it is my job to read all chapters before starting my review. After the prologue, I told myself I couldn’t read anymore because the poor grammar made me upset. I had to use my phone’s function of reading speech to help me which pointed out many mistakes in your story and assisted me greatly. And I’m grateful to you because if I hadn’t received your request, I wouldn’t have discovered this function. Thank you. And, yes, you have a lot to work on.
• One more thing, what happened to the teachers?