I've written a similar post 2 or 3 years ago and it's about me questioning my existence in this world. A lot of you guys comforted me and gave me valuable advice, which I treasure a lot. I felt a little better for a while.. but it got worse. I suffered from a severe depression last year actually. I tackled it on my own because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my family because I didn't want to bother them with my problem.. and I couldn't talk to my mom because she wouldn't understand. She'll just end up turning the whole thing up-side down and end up blaming at me, which she had done a couple of times in the past. I mean. It's not like I've never tried to tell her about my problems. I've tried to open up a couple of times but she always end up making me the bad guy and I just can't deal with that. I already have a lot of things in my head and I felt like pilling up another mountain of problem isn't going to help me feel better. 

I told you guys about my story and to be honest.. I still feel the same. Nothing have changed. I'm struggling with how my life is right now and I still haven't adjusted with the thought of my parents' having a family of their own. I still have these "what if" thoughts lurking in my head untill today. I'm tired of how my life is right now. I'm all alone. My mom has her family and my dad has his own and there I am, in the middle of everything, all alone. I don't feel love. I don't feel the warmth of having a real family. To be honest.. I don't even know what family is. I'm so ignorant of that word that it scares me.

By time goes by.. I realize that I'm just breathing but not actually living. You know. Like an empty shell? Anyway. Not to long ago, I was able to open up about my true feelings with my aunt. I told her things that I wasn't able to talk to with my mom and things that are bothering me. She's probably the only aunt I could talk to and whom I don't feel intimidated by. She's like my best friend and I'm really close with her. So I told her. I told her about me seeking help from the guidance councellor in school and I also told her about the councellor suggesting me to meet a therapist. The councellor told me that my problems are more complicated and deep that it's better for me to seek a higher level of help. But I never told my mom about this. I didn't want her to know because she'll just get angry and she wouldn't understand it.

My aunt also told me about my mom telling her things like "Why isn't she more attentive and caring towards her sister.." or "Why is she nicer to nicole that her own sister?". Okay. So Nicole is my cousin. She's 5 and she's just the cutest. Anyway. I knew about this. My mom had asked me this a couple of times when an argument between us arises. And.. I don't deny it. I don't treat my sister like I treat my little cousin. And to be more honest.. I am more fond of my cousin that my own sister. And.. I hate myself for doing so. I know.. I am aware that my actions are not acceptable but I can't help it. I hate my half sister. I know it's wrong and I don't want it to be like this.. but I do and I can't change that. I hate the fact that everytime I see her.. I feel left out. I'm always reminded of the fact that she's living the life I've always wanted. It's not her fault I know. But.. it hurts. So.. instead of me voicing out my awful thoughts about her or probably even hurting her.. I ignore her. She's still my sister... we still share the same mother and my actions are naive and unacceptable. But I'm trying my best to accept her. It takes time.. but I'm making an effort.

The thing is.. I'm still tackling depression untill today. I still feel alone and I don't know what to do with my life. Guys.. I just wanted to blow some steam.. and wanted to share yet another part of my story. Thank u for taking the time reading this.