And thus, as Thanksgiving is in it's final hours, I'm left thinking about the things I should be thankful for. Thoughout this year, I've been caught up in family drama which in turn severed the relations I had with my grandparents on my father's side. Since I was little I can remember always competing with my cousins for my grandparent's acceptance and love and praise. Things such as grades, playing instruments, sports, cooking were all subject to these competitions... and I typically came far from first. I ended up moving away from my grandparents and the favoritism between my aunt and her kids became increasingly noticeable. However, as I grew older, I realized that I am actually a good human being. I grew out of doing things for acceptance, love, and praise...and yet me and my dad were still somewhat less loved and supported. Thus, this is my first Thanksgiving away from my grandparents since I can remember. I'm thankful that my dad is not outwardly sad about spending his first Thanksgiving away from his parents since I was born. 

Just yesterday, my mom cut off communications with me for being a disappointment. Simply because we cannot agree to disagree, my relationship with my mom is nonexistent. Side note, religion is something that is supposed to bring people together rather than tear them apart but I guess that just doesn't work with me. I'm thankful that my mother can provide my little brother with so many opportunities than when I was growing up.

For about two years now, I've been involved in a one sided relationship with a guy who...doesn't want to date me, wants to hook up with me, doesn't want to think about a future with me, wants to talk to me everyday about my life and crack jokes, doesn't want to essentially let go of me, and wants to "care" for me. I can't explain how detrimental a one sided relationship can be. It plays with your mind, toys with your emotions, and ultimately affected my physical well being. I am not a girl who says that I should be treated like a queen, but on the same token...I believe I should be treated better. I should be loved as the way that I love. I give him unconditional love and I think that that's something that many people in my generation don't even know the definition of. He is an essential part of my life and a key to my development as a person, and yet I feel sick to my stomach having to write about this. It has just gotten to a point where I've exhausted all my friends patience with the topic and I still need to cope and talk and perhaps find the courage to just move on. There never seems to be a right time for me to cut things off or talk about this topic deeply because it's either his birthday, my birthday, a holiday, or a friend gathering. So what am I thankful for in all of this? I am thankful for having given this unconditional love and care, that many people don't understand. I am thankful for being able to express my feelings, maybe not to him but elsewhere, which is something that I have struggle with for a long time. And finally I am thankful for being able to blog and write my feelings down somewhere, in a place that people may read or may not read. 

Happy Thanksgiving. Love yourself, your family, and be thankful for everything that's brought your way.

Peace and love,

   tirimasubabe