Story Link: Mermaid Dreams: Why Fins don't fit in Bridal Shoes

Author Profile Link: happikkumaness

Review

Poster/Graphics

• The poster is eye catching and colourful as well as the background picture
• Links to the mermaid idea
• I like how you placed pictures of the characters before starting the chapters; it gives the readers a prompt for their imagination

Description

• Short and maintains interest of reader
• Especially the line, “he places himself at the edge of the cliff where the ground is made up of debts, worries and fear.” It shows the angst part of the story and the complications Joonmyun is facing

Opening scene

• First dialogue gives the reader that Azura is adventurous and her friend in overly protective. It’s an interesting start.
• Setting scene starts at the right place: in the ocean

Characters and Motivation

• Azura is very interesting. Throwing human rubbish back and having a passion to know humans which is her flaw as well as motivation plus her captivation to be the perfect bride
• The secondary characters (Exo, Coralia) obviously contribute to the story and their personalities show as they interact with Azura
• Azura’s trauma from the horror stories Coralia told her resurfaces at appropriate pints of the story and is dealt with using the right methods that keep the plot going depending on the situation
• In chapter 14, the tension between Azura and Joonmyun didn’t make sense to me unless it was intended. From Azura’s character, she should have anticipated the response. But I saw how that tension lead up to the attack. However, the complication where the sirens attack, reveals Azura’s instinct to help and Joonmyun’s determination to help his parents.
• The relationship between the characters are all going at a reasonable pace and affect the main character as she develops and is supported by them. Readers will be able to follow and relate to the characters in their own ways because you included a variety of personalities and complications in the story
• The way the characters interact with each other feels natural and readers can enjoy it

Plot and Conflict

• Azura’s flaw is outlined well in the story and I think you will keep pointing it out so the readers can have a good idea of this character
• Recently with the siren attack and Azura being discovered, this story is definitely a page turner
• I think all your characters react in a believable way towards each other and links to their personality

Pacing

• The scenes/events in your story progress in a realistic manner, however, I think you can make their transitions a bit smooth. Do not go straight into the scenes. You can try and describe the main character’s feelings before the scene or write their thoughts down and then slowly introduce the scene to the readers
• There’s always a hook at the end and start of your chapters which makes readers want to see more and find out more of the story and its characters

Communication

• Although your writing is able to provide imagery for the readers, I’m sure you can improve. Include stronger words (sadness – anguish), do not repeat words within a paragraph (try to use different words or describe that place or thing) and make sure you don’t spend too long on something or event that isn’t relevant to the plot
• I know English is your second language, but I will say what needs to be fixed in terms of English grammar and spelling. There are many verb confusions. The line “Sometimes he was really too hard thinking about other and forgot himself in the end. He has been always like this but thanks to his friends they could remember him that he’s not only on this planet to think what its best for other but that he needs to be happy for himself as well.” should be “Sometimes he was too hard on himself, being considerate towards others and forgetting himself. He was always like that. However, his friends reminded him that he was not the only one on the planet and to help himself and not other people.” This can, at times, make some readers uninterested in your story if you do not have proper grammar simply because they cannot understand or must think to make sense of your words. I recommend you hire a beta reader or run your story through an editing software/program such as Office Word

Overall Impression

• From a reader’s point of view, I really enjoyed this story although at times I do become confused at some wordings but after a little thinking in my head I can understand it. Good job

Additional Comments

• This story is well suited for this type of genre/theme
• Azura is just so curious about many things. I think it would be very interesting to be her friend. You captured her type of character well
• I’ll be waiting for more chapters to indulge myself in