its hard to stay strong. its hard to fight with feels. its hard to fill empty places of people who was there always ...

who we need them who we miss them who we must be with them. 

its hard to keep smiling to pretending nothing happened to show you are fine!

but i am not. i tried to hide but its hard 

i dont know what should I do. how I must handle this pain. I got tired of ...crying!

however I know I hadn't good family and missing them is ...silliness  but I can't help it

because we all need parent we need family or who there was with us till now

I don't miss my mom because hard to remember who she was. 20 years passed of her death and we hadn't good life then we hadn't happy moments together so ...better I forget her!

I miss my dad who abandoned us twice and now...I have to live without him. he wasn't good man and living with him can destroy my life so I have to choose this loneliness...and try to stand strong without him however he loves me so much but still....he didn't search for me and I know he forgot me!

and my brother! who lived with me for 30 years ....yes he wasn't good one too but he wasn't so bad too. we had great times together at lease we had fun and he filled my loneliness till now but..he left me too after hurting me so much. I know I shouldn't miss them

they weren't good family but still...I need them right? I need my parent I need my brother as my homemate. how much I must be strong to handle this pain? this loneliness? how long I must stay strong...I can't anymore. I can't lie to myself. I miss them...

I had many friends... many good or( people who I thought they are good...) but somehow they dissapeared one by one . sometimes I think I am wrong. I am bad one who deserve to be alone but what I did? I was so good to them. this can be my problem?!