This is all my fault

          It started off with a sick laughter, my own to be exact. It was in response to my mother’s wish to go out and coincidentally doing the same thing of another family. With that other family, I’m not too sure if we’re on good terms. But it sincerely was truly funny, the fact that she had mentioned the same thing and this is where the joke came less of a joke. It turned into more. It turned into everything but a joke.

            Our voices escalated in a heated battle of myself trying to explain myself but her just hearing nothing less. She was offended and started to rampage on the other family and then on myself as well. The usual verbal sermons I’m used too. It goes on and on. What can I do? Nothing. It seemed utterly useless to me towards the end to explain myself, two different people with two different understandings. I already know I am rude, not what she wants and nothing of her standards. It is ever so clear as glass. I tried really hard to shut my mouth for a while. I’ve learned that but yet, that moment I laughed because it’s funny to see the coincidence of timing and after the other family posted those pictures. But it went on and on where she talked of me being so clever but I’m not. Never once have I thought of myself being smart. My words don’t matter so I just slowly give up and things get heated once again until the phone rings.

            I thought we were fine. No, we weren’t. After that phone call, she’s calling me crazy in another language and saying I did that out of disrespect. I remember the year she told me all she wanted me to do was respect her. My attitude changed. I was growing back then. I’m still growing now. Although there are times where she can’t see my reasoning, it’s never acknowledged even if I say so. So I continuously live with myself with accepting things and never speaking out because it leads to things like this.

            The last time where I flared at her was when my best friend died of suicide. I couldn’t take the fact that she was supressing me from grieving, to the point of mocking and forbidding me from going to her funeral mass. This was all over the phone and she manages to bring it up. “Just because your friend died, you can’t talk back to me” she says in another language. She manages to slap me in the face once again verbally. The verbal abuse or insensitivity has been a thing for a long time. Screaming, yelling and just plain insults here and there. That’s fine but once it gets personal, it takes a toll on you. So I sat there, trying really hard not to cry or say anything. I knew she was going to bring it up. I just had this feeling because I was thinking of all the rebuttals in which she never understood me once completely.

            That sentence itself triggered a huge turmoil aftermath. I guess I’m too soft, only yesterday was her 10^th month death anniversary and here I am getting upset once again. Here I am thinking that all of this fight stuff could’ve been vented through a phone call, not a word document for myself. I’m trying to breathe and not let myself be taken again.

            I’ve fallen under so many times where I just think in complete negativity. I thought of all the things my mother has done during my healing process of 10 months. Tell me to not let it affect my grades, don’t be like her, and don’t go to her mass. Reasonably, I know I can’t hurt myself and I can’t kill myself. I’m over that. I’ve tried to inflict self harm but I never had the guts. I’ve had the thoughts of killing myself. I would be lying if I said I have never cut or thought of suicide. Those are all temporary feelings. Those are all in the past. That’s all just not now.

            I’m here right now. I just need to breathe. I’m constantly just wanting to let it go. I don’t want to sleep on this because the more I suppress it, the more I could fall in when it overflows. I don’t want to tell anyone either. I know I’m fortunate. I always repeat it to myself. I’m well off more that others. I am blessed and I have less problems to think of. I really do. I am genuinely saying that I live better than a good majority even given the circumstances I’m in.

            Yet why do I succumb to these feelings? It’s all my fault. I’m just trying to feed positivity to myself but the moment something happens, it could all be gone. I can switch from here to there. At the moment of a snap, my mood brought down from 100% to 0.

            I just have to keep on going, isn’t that just it. I hold so many things with me, I need to let some go but I don’t know if things have a closure yet. Can I have a closure yet? Not with just my best friend but with everything. To accept things and leave it as it is. To know that what’s done is done. I know that concept, I’ve accepted it but do I really act on it? Why am I like this? It’s all my fault in the end. The reason why it’s hard to get out of my feelings. The reason why I’m like this. The reason why I can’t even be a good daughter. The reason why I can’t be true to myself. All of this. This is all my fault.

            Mistakes are meant to be fixed are they not? Mistakes are meant to be learned from at least if not be fixed. My chances are gone with my mom, the damage is too much and far too deep but I know that her love is endless in different ways. I just need to rebuild. Not need. I will rebuild myself. I will be better than today’s self. I will be better now. I will forgive myself for the things I do because what else can I do? Others may not but if I can work to be a better person then I will be okay. It’s hard to say what can happen between my mother and I but there will always be the underlying grudge of ours.