It is said that we should forgive the ones who had done us wrong. However, no matter how much we try, we cannot always forgive them completely. The worst part is that this hurts us, when it shouldn’t. It pains us to hold even the smallest amount of grudge against them because it makes us feel as if we’re the bad people. When all we intended to do is to make people understand certain things.

But the truth is that sometimes the undying love for drama and overreacting takes over and turns everything into a long-term mess. A mess than even we cannot stop or at least control no matter how much we’d like to. And time only makes it worse, we get tired and hurt so many times over that we often wonder how the hell are we still holding on. The good times which occur once in a while are the ones that help us get through the day, we dare to admit.

However, dramatic or not, the situation feels just as bad.

Some say we’re playing the victims, spending too much time procrastinating and complaining about life being hard on us. It’s not as if we complain to every stranger on the street and every person we know, you bastards. We have moments of weakness, when we feel like telling an extremely small number of people how we fell, otherwise we keep most things to ourselves. You’d ask why? Mainly because it would be a complete waste of time. You wouldn’t understand any of it anyway.

heartless prick  

We have a tendency of pleasing the ones around us, which was never good. Altough we cannot stop it. Anger only melts way too soon to have any effect on the outside. To make us speak up and stand for ourselves. Guess we have too much respect and compassion for your god damn feelings.

as if you know what that is.

Anyway, while they remain oblivious to what lays in front of them, everything goes downhill. Dark thoughts that want to take over, feelings that cannot be explained or understood, the continuous battles between rational and raw instinct, faith and desire, “good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong”, that pain in the back of my head that never fades away.

and these are the least daunting…

 Supressed emotions that fight to stay alive and words that burn to get out, crushed in my throat. My judgement that got darkened by everything and everyone pushing me over the edge again and again. The strong pang in my chest that is still waiting for approval, acceptance. The pain in my heart that grows stronger day by day, mercilessly. The much awaited new beginning that only makes fear and worry crawl into my veins like venom.

I got to the point where I tell myself that I must be wrong, that’s my imagination that’s playing with my mind. I felt too much for so long that I’m afraid to feel a single god damn thing now. I’m scared of everything, I’m worried about everything. I don’t know myself anymore. I lost mind peace and silence a long time ago, actually I’m not sure if I ever had them to begin with.

I always blame myself for everything, when I shouldn’t. I was only responsible for putting up with the others’ ty behaviour and narrow minds and accepting orders and decisions that weren’t mine. Am I supposed to be the only one that feels sorry for everything? But if I won’t be paying for all of this anymore, maybe things will eventually get better.

It hurts when what you want is so far away from you. When you know that you have no one by your side. Faith is still strong, but it does no longer help your trembling heart. And that hurts even more since your strongest weapon seems to have turned against you and points its gun straight to your chest…

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

But hey, I still love you. Or I don't? I don't know. Everytime I look at the moon, I only think about you and how much I miss you. It's been so many days and I just feel so lonely without you. But soon enough I will be the Sun, and you will be the Moon...

...on the same sky, but never to meet.

"Our silent love will rise above

There’s nothing else I can think of

We need to stay like this forever

Our silent love, don’t risk it, ever.

I don’t remember what you had said

I only have some letters under my bed

Which prove our bond is crystal clear

Those long forgotten words, very sincere.

Our silent love can’t find its voice

It feels as if it died away

And now it hurts that it’s my choice.

Should I let it stay that way?

So now that the end is near

Should I say what’s on my mind?

I guess there's nothing left to fear

Our silent love, nowhere to find.

I struggle now with pain and fear

So I will shed this one last tear

Though we must stay like this, together

Our silent love will live forever."

I still cannot understand how could all of this happen. How everything will finally be crushed, dead, forgotten. How exactly forty days ago the whole truth has been exposed to the both of us, only to be buried deep down in our hearts once again, to no avail, to no purpose. They say I'm crazy, maybe even you think I'm crazy, but I guess I can't be helped. You're deep in my blood, and there will be a while before I finally stop saying that. Time is drifting away through my fingers once again, who's gonna get another four years? No one. Tears dwell in my eyes, but I don't wish them to cease down just yet. Maybe if I let them fall, they'll finally come to an end. Let them be...

The last.

 Goodbye.