just rambling here

I've said this far too many times to myself and others, but I'm just so lonely as hell. I can't help but feel lonely when I see my classmates on instagram hanging out with their family and friends, either going to exotic places for vacation or just spending time with each other. I just feel like nothing compared to them cuz I don't have ANYBODY who likes me that much or even has the decency to invite me to their birthday parties or their houses to hang out

and because of that I'm spending my entire summer at home, solely because no one i know wants to hang out with me and i don't understand WHY. i can only assume that I really am just despicable but idk how to change it. 

I'm really writing this post cuz I think I like this girl and idk why but she's just so beautiful and I smile every time she smiles, and see she's also into kpop but she only talks with armys cuz she LOVES BTS and anime and though i don't watch anime, I love BTS too but bcuz I'm still new to them i think that's why she doesnt talk to me. i mean she's not MEAN or anything; in fact, she's actually really nice, but when i see her talk with her friends i always just wonder why I'M not in that group of friends. and idek WHY i like her but I know I do but she literally doesn't see me, and she's always hanging out with this girl that i used to be 'friends' with and it makes me so bitter that that 'friend' also ignores me as if i don't exist. and i just saw pics of them hanging out together on instagram and i just feel lonely cuz I literally have NO ONE

and this girl I like it's not even that i want to date her; I just want to be her friend. we talk occasionally and only when we're both pretty much alone in school in a room or something but she only smiles and gets all giddy and stuff when her other friends enter the room and it makes me upset that she loves them so much but doesn't give two s about me. 

woah... this is literally the first time i've publicly admitted to liking her. like, i always wanted to be friends with her cuz she seemed cool and all but i recently started wondering if i liked her and i don't like labeling myself based on ual orientation but I've never felt this way about a girl before. and i don't think about her ually, i mean I'm not physically attracted to her but she's just so gorgeous and beautiful and i keep thinking about her and i can't stop. and now all i want to do is hold her in my arms... i don't care whether we're dating or just friends, all i want to do is hug her and talk to her

but also i feel like she wouldnt WANT to talk to me cuz she's so far ahead of me. like she wants to be a fashion designer and she interns at fashion companies and paints all the time while i just sit at home and scroll on my phone or do homework. I'm just so depressed that I no longer feel motivated to do anything. i feel so lonely that i can't go out to school clubs because no one's there to help me out or talk to me or anything. For instance I LOVE math and physics and stuff and I went to this STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) club at my school but i had no friends there while everyone there was friends with each other and i felt left out and had no motivation to go again. plus we didn't do anything there so i had no reason to come back cuz I know that the guy who started the club only did it to put it on his college resume

anyway as i said I'm lonely, I'm depressed, and hopeless. i can't bring myself to finish my fics or homework or work on my college applications because I have no motivation to move on. i just want to write fanfics and hold someone. what i want most of all is NOT someone i can talk to about my problems(cuz i already got that), but someone who WANTS me in their company. i want someone who WANTS me in their life, who WANTS me to be their friend and wants to cry and talk to ME. right now, i don't mean anything to anyone, and that's the main reason why i have no motivation in life anymore