So.... I know I like have never blogged but here goes...

Hello world my name is....

¿E?

Yeah I haven't quite figured out what to be called yet, since I haven't quite figured out what gender I associate with.

Before you roll your eyes just hear me out a little.... okay?

Long long ago I was born with female ia (ew)

At a young age (about 6 or 7) I started binding my chest so that I wouldn't grow s. I hated the idea of two gross sacks of fat hanging on my chest. I wanted to be flatchested forever. When I actually got s I hated them (still do). They have always felt so uncomfortable and unnecessary like they didn't belong. I never liked wear low cut tops either. I always have wore thing with a collar very close to my neck, usually big T shirts that make my s seem like they disappeared.

Undeniably, I grew up a tomboy. I always loved video games and rolling in mud with my best guy friends rather than having sleepovers where girls do each other's makeup and nails. Yet it wasn't until 2 years ago that I realized I truly don't feel comfortable as a girl. I fit in a lot better with boys, I always have. I often do stupid with them and think in almost the same process as they do sometimes.

So what is keeping me back if I'm so certain that I must be a boy on the inside? Well.... I have a baby face. I can look boyish if I try, and have been mistaken for a boy when I wear clothes big enough to hide my s, but somewhere along the weird twisty road that is my life I fell in love with the idea of being a Lolita, someone so adorable and doll-like. Given my baby face, my friends told me I should go for it. This is like the 1 girly thing in my life I have ever liked, but it's so girly that if I dressed this way while a boy I would be shamed endlessly by people. It's ed up and I hate that it isn't socially acceptable for boys to wear such things, but what can I do? So I'm torn because I really want to be a Lolita, but to stay a girl would mean staying in a body that I am so uncomfortable with.

I hope I don't have to take this down x.x

Whenever I have talked about this in the past people always just tell me "You're just a tomboy. If you really were a boy you wouldn't like that stuff". Thus another reason I'm afraid to consider myself as transgender or agender, even though I don't feel comfortable calling myself female, because of all the immediate backlash I always get.... 

And that's why you can just call me E

I dunno maybe I'll get some intelligent insightful responses (maybe.)