I feel totally f***ed up man. Doesn't it feel like many times you are lost in life. Like woah hey there what the hell have I done my whole life.

From young until now I always had friendship problems andbi always thought it was my fault 

When I was 5 or 6, I had these two friends I'm very close with, call one of them A (because she's going to appear ltr) then somehow we stop hanging out (I forgot I'm sorry)

Then when i was 8, I had these two guy friends (in that year one of them was the class monitor and I was class monitress) and one time we fought and then we created trouble for the class. Then from 7-8 years old (same classes) I had three best friends, and just because I upset one of them she made all of them hate me, and I was forced to roam around school during a celebration alone because no one would hang out with me. 

And then in that same year, this friend confessed to me, but because I was young and dumb I rejected him by giving the confession letter to my form teacher (just laugh at this I am too) making him distance from me now.

9 years old we changed classes, and I made a new best friend, turns out we matched really well and we shared the same classes. Then around 10 years old some things changed.

A guy transferred class into my class, and he was hot so I had this like crush on him (LOLLL) then at the same time my best friend (B) became close friends with another friend (C) then everytime after a lesson when we had to go back to our own class, C would pull B away, talking about some stuff (I think kpop but I wasn't a fan yet) and I would be left behind. I wasn't a strong girl okay? So seeing two of your friends ditching you ahead of you makes you really sad and no matter how much I try to get back her attention she will avert back to C again. I consulted her before and told her how I felt many times yet she would nvr change.

11 years old. My cousin who was the same class as me started hanging out with me. Her bestfriend (D) and my new best friend (E) became like a group sorta thing. Then my cousin had a few fights with me but we get back in the end.

12 years old. We were going to graduate this year. However there was once when I fell down on my knee and couldn't do PE then my cousin complained saying that in the past she fell down yet she still did PE, and that I should be doing PE instead of skipping it. Then she flared up at me, and D became scared. Right after PE lesson when we were heading back to class D ran to me and requested to walk back to class with me (since my cousin doesn't want to stand near me) and D said my cousin was scary and fierce. So I let her walk with me back to class. Then right after the next lesson, my cousin wrote me a letter, swearing at me and saying how I stoled D away from her and how I was being fake. I showed D and E the letter and they told me to give it to my co form teacher so I did. Then the teacher made us talk together. Then after our major exams, E and I had a tiny quarrel and she left with A. Yep A was the same class as me from 9yrs until 12 yrs old. 

After many drama, I was finally graduating from this school! And I told myself I was making new friends and having a better life!

That's what I wanted. So I workdd hard.

On the first day of secondary one (13yrs old btw), I made a friend (let's call her F). She likes anime but I didn't like it yet. (This is what happened when you're not exposed to the internet and wifi). We had a sec one orientation, where we stayed in school overnight. On the first day we had high-obstacle-activity-thing, and my class had 7 girls. F found the same anime fan friend in my class (G) then they immediately started hanging out. And I sorta became the third wheel friend that's always left behind. So for PE lessons or pair work I always didn't have a partner. Until another friend came (H). H was funny and weird and she fit with all of us. From that moment I wasn't alone anymore. Btw H left her bff to join us there wasn't an extra classmate who joined. Meanwhile I made a close male friend (call him M) and we became really close. 

Then somewhere in May or so M confessed and awhile later I confessed to and we started dating. Then shortly in June I fell in love with Kpop. :D

Then somehow in our small clique had a confusion and G was hated by the F and H. I wasn't rlly hating her but I only hated her for the fact that she made F ditch me and all. Then F became my best of bestfriends. She started saying how much she hated G. Then somehow we found out H made F hate G. Then F hated H. But then F made up with G, but she still stuck with me. 

Secondary 2. M and I grew distant, and he fell in love with my classmate. He was migrating in March, and we broke up (I shall explain it in da future if u wanna know) and then F had a boyfriend and she neglected G and I. And I felt bad for H so I started paying H more attention. F was mad. She kept saying I ignored her when she was the one who wasn't spending time with me.

So after awhile we broke off and now I'm best friends with H.

I had one more friendship problem but I shall talk about it next time.

But today I was angry. My parents started scolding me for not completing my project work when there is still two weeks of holidays. It's not I didn't wanna do. But it was my project members who keep giving excuses and all. They were saying how bad my grades were. I admit they were bad. I failed math by one mark but the others passed. And they made it seem like my life was a failure. I remembered clearly my dad say don't compare yourself to others yet today in the car, my mum said how people got lower marks than me in the major exams when I was 12 yrs old got higher than me this year. I was mad. My dad didn't say anything. I kept thinking it is my fault. But have they ever thought how hard I studied? I'm an introvert. Is that what you call it? I bottle up all my feelings and when I can't take it I either scream at someone or cry in the bathroom. I don't go to my friends for comfort unless I really can't take it. I keep hearing my mum ask these days "where is your old self?" I don't know.

Sorry for wasting your time