i don't know how long it's been since i logged in to be honest
it's been at least a couple of days right? 
maybe that it's just that i'm scared to go on
or that real life is badddddddddddd
maybe it's that i was scared or that i could feel myself getting weaker
do you know the feeling when you're close to fainting? 
i felt worse than that and swore i could almost see death in the far distance
or that i've gone complete crazy.
i'm not sick... i don't think so. 
all i hear is " you're sick "
" get better from your sickness "
my parents avoid me like i'm going to contaminate them but how am i going to?
how am i going to contaminate my friends?
how am i going to contaminate my teachers?
why do i have to be feared or ignored, talked about and pushed?
what did i ever do wrong?

i remember once in a fam group chat on line
a junhoe told me " how do you know that no one else is suffering? how are you sure that she isn't suffering inside? "
and i wanted to fight back but never did.
there are people who live steady lives and why can't people understand that?
the whole " everyone faces ups and downs " is a whole lie.

i don't know why but hearing the phrase " you're getting better "
is sCARY OK
i should be relieved right?
but what if i don't mind it?
i don't even remember what it's like being happy
people are gonna complain " myung ur only like 12 ofc u wont remember lolololol "
and call me useless and wasting time for this but still
but when my friend on line was complaining
how she felt bad for being happy, all i could say was " wait for me to join you, we'll be happy together "
and i didn't know where to head

 i'm fearing i'm becoming a hikikomori ,,,
i'm beginning to drink a lot more coke and not eat properly (uMARUUUUUU)
but it's kind of like, i haven't been able to survive a day without touching my phone or laptop ???
and i haven't been to school regulary (yesterday i arrived at 11:30 am and missed out on mi icas exams q n q)
it's also that i can't even leave my bed lately and that i couldn't even talk to my friends
i avoided everything for so long and idek anymore
or bother i don't know why (i'm sorry tilda and ari ;;;)

basically, i apologise for everything i've done i guess??
i don't know where i'm going to be honest
but hAH like anyone would care
i guess i'm just sorry for not being okay.

痛い いたイ いタい いたい 痛い....