My grandmother died Tuesday night. I had just saw her Sunday and she was laughing and joking with me as we watched her favorite Cowboy series. I should have listened to myself when I really didn't want to leave the room. She had a not too long ago, she was paralyzed on her left side. Everything had to be done for her and I mean everything. She has been bedridden for 2 months now. Rarely wanting to get up or be moved at all.  I would drive the 3 hours home every weekend just to sit with her, cheer her up the best i could. Also my mother was her primary caregiver, so me being there gave her a break. 

I loved that woman, so much. she was the person who taught me to love myself. "They don't have to live your life. They are just passing through." 

I'm in so much pain, I started to write a story, with noone in particular being the main characters. but nothing I put down made sense, so I gave up and started writing this blog.  All I want is to be held and kissed as I cry. I can't cry, not now. Everyone else is so scattered, that I feel like I can't breakdown till everything is done. Someone falls I have to take up the slack to get it done. There are people angry at me because I haven't cried yet, but I know she would understand, she always did.

Now she's gone, I keep having to remind myself of that. everytime I call home to check on her, to talk to her. SO many times I had to stop myelf from going to her room to sit with her. Listening to the monitor in case she calls for someone. I miss my grandmother, i miss her laugh, her smile. I miss annoying her to the point of getting kicked or thrown out of the room only to be called back because I'm about to miss an important scene in a show or movie. 

I can't tell this to my family, she was my bridge that connected my lonely island to them. Now that its broken, I don't know if I want or can rebuild it. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but I've always felt isolated from them. Not that I was treated badly or that I wasn't loved, just felt distant. I thought maybe it was that whole Teenage Phase of 'no one understands me!' But even as I got older I felt that way. It's hard to explain, but its like being accept but still being rejected at the same time. I never felt like that with her. 

Anyways, I'm done rambling. Tomorrow is the funeral, and I'm not really looking foward to saying goodbye to my Mudda.