< 憧れ / CHO AHREUM >

i'm sure everyone would be talking about how much they love you and how much they miss you, yeoreum. i'm not going to be one of them.

so, it's been a year. want to know what i first thought? i thought that with you gone, i could finally get my own life. mum and dad would finally give me the attention i wanted and that i could be more than just cho yeoreum's little sister. you know, mum and dad always loved you the most, right? even yeojin unnie had couldn't dethrone you. and if yeojin unnie couldn't, what more me? nothing i ever did could ever beat perfect cho yeoreum with your perfect grades and perfect smiles and perfect boyfriends and perfect friends. and even when you're dead, i'm still second to you. i used to try so ing hard and when it all failed, i blamed you, i hated you, i hated you so much. pushed you away whenever you tried to help. used your insecurities against you. hurt you the way i hurt. 

but guess what? i was wrong, unnie, losing you never made me find myself. because everywhere i looked, everywhere i turned, you were still there. and even right now, a year later, breathing still hurts because it reminds me of the very fact that it should've been me that died. me, the ed up, the black sheep, the girl that no one really needs or wants rather than you, my beautiful perfect sister who has everything going for her. 

you know what's the worst part? i say that i hate you, i say that i'm over it, stop talking to me about my dead sister i'm a human too but i miss you, unnie. i ing miss you. i wake up every day, hating myself more and more because i ing took everything for granted. you know, your friends could talk about how they could've saved you but the one that holds most blame is me. i heard you cry every night in your room but i did nothing. i saw the blood, i saw the scars but i said nothing. and it's driving me crazy that i could've done something, i could've done something, but i was so consumed with hatred and anger. so, all i can say right now is i'm sorry. i'm sorry you had a ed up sister like me and i'm sorry i didn't protect you the way you protected me.  

unnie, for years, i wished i only had one sister, i wished that you would disappear, i wished that i could be happy. they told me i should be careful with what i wished for.

i should've listened.  

 

< / face 01 > choi jinri, sulli 

< / face 02 > red velvet's kang seulgi   

 

< / prsnlty > 

the child that wasn't even supposed to be born, the mistake, the stereotypical rebellious wildchild, all presented to you in the form of cho ahreum. with straight, long jet-black hair and even darker eyeliner lining her cold eyes, ahreum is the very definition of a troublemaker. "rules are meant to be broken," she'd laugh off with her familiar confidence but everyone knows she's lying, everybody knows the only reason why ahreum skips school and talks back to teachers and gets into trouble every single ing time is because she wants and craves the attention. with the her sharp tongue and even sharper words, ahreum aims to hurt. in some immature selfish world of her own, ahreum feels like if she's hurting, everyone else should hurt the way that she does. but it's not like she's completely imperfect - ahreum does have her positive traits. clearly, as you can see, she is very mentally strong. even though she has chosen to express her anger in incorrect ways, the fact that she's still standing and she's still living in her own house is proof of her strength. she's also very confident and frank, with the ability to tell the truth and only the truth. which makes her actions v sincere. 

< / trivias > 
TNGEANGST even before the death of yeoreum, ahreum was the very image of teenage angst - angry at the world, hating everything, rebellious. 
MRRYCHRSTMS ahreum's birthday falls on christmas eve. never once has she had a special birthday party because her parents simply feel that it's too expensive, especially since christmas is the next day. her sisters do try to give her presents but ahreum refuses to accept them because she doesn't like being pitied.
GMCHEWING you can always see ahreum chewing on gum. it's a bad habit that she's trying to kick because it's so expensive. 
#3 this is the third school that ahreum has been in because she was kicked out of her previous schools. 
PRIZED her prize posession, the one that she can not live without, is a key. yeoreum bought it for ahreum when she was young and lost that piano competition. and ahreum has no idea why but   
RNWAY once ahreum ran away from home and no one even noticed. all her parents said was, "please come home earlier or at least tell us where you are." that was the first time that ahreum ended up in jail. 
FCK evidently, unsurprisingly as well, ahreum swears a lot. she feels like it adds onto her bad girl image. 
NOSHARING ahreum has tried seducing her older sister's boyfriend before. it came before taemin was around and ahreum was lonely and seeing her sister happy made her furious because hey, another thing that ahreum can't have so she'd tried to steal him away. wore her shortest skirt, put on her brightest red lipstick, gave him the best kiss of his life. 
 

< / cnnctns > 
 

she's not really close or bothered by her eldest sister, mainly because she's always busy working and no one really compares the two of them because of their large age difference. however, it doesn't mean that she has favorable feelings towards yeojin because honestly, ahreum dislikes yeojin as well. she's jealous that yeojin and yeoreum have this close relationship and ever since young, it seemed like she was unable to break through and she was left at the sidelines. whenever after yeoreum's death, they have stopped talking to each other completely. ahreum knows it's because yeojin blames her for yeoreum's death and frankly speaking, ahreum agrees. 
 

  
OLDER SISTER, CHO YEOREUM
'ahreum, do you need help with your homework?' ' off, yeoreum. just cause i'm not at the top of the class doesn't mean i'm ing dumb.' 
'are you mad at me, ahreum? is there something wrong?' 'stop it, stop acting like you ing care. just go and screw your boyfriend. bye.'
' do you hate me?' 'of course i ing hate you. what kind of dumb question is that.'

cho yeoreum, the bane of cho ahreum's entire existence. because they had such a small , it was no shock that everything ahreum did was held against yeoreum's achievements and unsurprisingly, ahreum always fell short. after many second places and consolation prizes, ahreum just gave up. it wasn't even yeoreum's fault - in fact, yeoreum used to comfort ahreum, arms wrapped around her as she told her sister, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

but then one day, after another, "why can't you be more like yeoreum", ahreum's anger had exploded. just blaming her parents wasn't enough (sure, they were at fault for not giving her attention and not loving her the way she wanted to be loved) but wasn't her sister a problem too? if yeoreum never existed, none of this would've mattered. how was it fair that she was hurting so much, just because she couldn't help the family she was born into? she started taking out her frustrations on her older sister. if yeoreum wanted to help, ahreum pushed her away. if yeoreum seemed down, ahreum poked the wounds of her insecurities till it bled. ahreum even stopped calling yeoreum unnie.

yet, because ahreum was her baby sister, she never stopped trying. she never stopped asking her to the movies, asking her to join in karaokes, introducing her to her friends. despite ahreum's mean-spirited comments, yeoreum still had her best interests at heart. yeoreum had this hope in her that one day, ahreum would realize that she wasn't an enemy but an ally. but ahreum's eyes were too clouded with resentment to even see through it. all she could see was this perfect idol that she could never live up to and in some twisted way, whenever yeoreum tried to be nice with her, it infuriated ahreum. made her want to break something, to do something bad just to prove that she was different from her sister and she would never be like yeoreum. made her want to hurt yeoreum because how can you still be so nice to me when i'm treating you like this.  
 

     
BOYFRIEND, LEE TAEMIN. 
'my sister told me to break up with you.' 'then why are you still with me?' 'because if they say no, i say yes.' 

taemin, taemin, taemin. the artistic rebel to match with ahreum's wayward behavior. the only boy that has ever loved her and the boy that her family despises and hates with all their heart. and maybe that's why she's stuck with him for so long. taemin and ahreum first met in some shady nightclub, where taemin was performing with his ty rock band and it was love at first night. there was something intriguing in the way his eyes landed on her, the smirk that curled up his lips and ahreum was sold. (they ed in the bathroom after the show was over. ahreum never even got his name.) 

and ahreum kept going back to find more of him. he just kept her wanting more. even though he smelled of smoke and sweat and generally was a dickhead to her, ahreum liked him. and she liked him even more when her sisters and parents told her, "stay away from boys like him, he's good for nothing, he's just going to ruin you." ahreum was already a troublemaker before she met him but taemin, he made her destructive. brought her to places a teenager should never go, made her do things that no young girl should, sent her spiralling down the black hole.  

it's a ed up relationship, the two of them. they do nothing but destroy each other. honestly, ahreum isn't even sure if she loves him, but she stays because she feels indebted, in a sense. he was the last thing her sister warned her about so she stays. 

< / reaction to the "incident" > 

her head is bowed downwards, eyes focused on the floor below her. i've never told anyone this, but as soon as i woke up from the hospital, without having to hear the nurses, i knew she was dead. her eyes flash up briefly before looking away. there was this sense of unexplainable sadness pressing down against my chest and god, it actually physically hurt. i didn't even know what happened, didn't even know why my hand felt it was on fire, didn't know there was a scar on my face that needed fifteen stitches. but i knew. i knew my sister was dead. and, i'm sure you all have heard this story and you've all seen me locked up in the mental section of the hospital, handcuffed to the bed, but i started laughing. she lets out a snort, turning her body to hide her face from the interviewer. it just seemed so surreal at the moment - i wished for this to happen again and again. but when it actually did happen, i felt so she struggles to find an appriopriate word before sighing and settling with the word dark. it was like the lights were turned off permanently. 
 

< / how are they after "the incident" > 

if you asked anyone, i'm still the same ed-up cho ahreum. maybe a little more ed up than usual. she gives a bittersweet smile, shrugging her shoulders lightly. i try to be normal but you know what? i don't even know what normal is anymore. i used to be so angry at yeoreum, angry at mom and dad but now, all i feel is angry at myself. i wake up every day angry that it was me that survived. i eat breakfast angry that yeoreum's no longer there smiling at me. i'm just angry angry angry and nothing helps anymore. she laughs dryly, digging her nails into her palm. upon closer inspection, there are various angry red marks around her hand. she pulls her sleeve down. i used to smoke. i used to vandalize cars. i used to shoplift. i used to skip school. it all used to help me forget the anger inside and you know what's the silly thing? no one even cares anymore. they let me do whatever i want because she makes air quotation marks with her fingers, voice shaky this is apparently my way of grieving. grieving? are they seriously using this word with me? grief is for people who miss someone. i don't deserve to grieve over my sister's death when i've been nothing but a to her. i didn't even attend her ing funeral. and it reminds me everyday, when i look at the mirror and i see the scars running down my cheek and the burn scars on my arm. so, you wanna know what i'm doing? i run. i run and run and run and run and run as far away as i can from myself. i run till i can't breathe and i run till i forget who i am. 
 

< / what were they doing before it happened > 

she laughs bitterly to herself, wiping away angry tears from the corners of her eyes. you want to know what i was doing before the incident? you really want to? her fingers are clenched together so tightly, her knuckles go white. i told my sister i hated her. i told her that i wish she would just get out of my ing life forever. and it's all because she warned me that my current boyfriend was bad news, told me to break up with him. all because she told me the truth. it sounds as though ahreum is choked up and she swallows the lump in . i saw her crying too. i'm sure all of her friends did and i heard that, "i'm sorry" and you want to know what i thought? i thought, wow, what a cry for attention and never once did i even stop to think that i could've just said, sorry. maybe that one little word could've saved her. but i didn't. because that's what i am. cho ahreum the selfish coward.  

< / commnts > taemin and ahreum's relationship is similar to love the way you lie and kiss with a fist. it's up to you to intepret how you want their relationship to be - abusive, he introduces her to drugs, idk,,
- i hope you understand what ahreum's supposed to be like adksjf she's the youngest kid that wasn't even supposed to be born and because she has a small with her sister, everyone just associates her to be yeoreum's little sister and it just makes her really angry. she wants her own image, wants her own identity and bc she's still quite immature, she hates her sister bc of it akdsj