The most perfect song to watch my life roll by is by no other but Amber. If you haven't listened to it yet, here go go and take a listen.

AMBER- BORDERS <-- CLICK IT :)

"What is wrong with me? Can you tell me now."

Have you heard it yet? If not you have to hear it! I cried in class listening to it. My tears only rolled down my face because it's so true. The lyrics so powerful and deep. I can relate to it so much. The MV was amazing and it sends the perfect combo witht he lyrics. The moment the first left Amber's lips, I knew that I was going to end up in a mess of tears. Who can transfer such feelings to other with music like Amber, a person who has experienced hurtful moments for being who she is. Everone knows that the culture in Korea isn't to open to non-traditional way of life. Her perosnality and style are complete opposite of the perfect girl. That's the truth of society, they judge us too much for being us. I have been so close in just plain giving up and I nearly was two years ago, I thought that if I had recieved more meds than it could accidently be seen as a accident because I had gotten my health so bad that I needed pills and other stuff to keep me going through the days but through pain in my heart I didn't gve up yet. I stopped all meds and suffered to live day by day. I was slowly pushing my own body to work by itself without so much meds. At times I had to take six diferent types of meds in the morning but my being careful I didn't OD made sure to make me take the others an hour or so after the first pills I took that weren't too strong but my body suffered to go back normal. School was a living hell and I have died with my face in the books, literally. The people there are fake and hurtful. They play with your emotions and taunt you. Reminding you that you're overweight, have acne issues, a loner, a person that wouldn't talk to them, someone who had the teacher's protection and love, a girl who had been struggling so much that her scars are reminders of how much I suffered alone with no one there for me. My family was and still is but I can't do anything about it. I am reminded constantly that my face is ugly, I have acne so I'm gross, I'm fat asf, I am alone with no one, No one will love me, I will only die off soon and no one would care, that I am reminded that I mean nothing to those who swore to be with me, I am reminded of heartbreaks, I am reminded of how alone and cold this world is. But one day I stumbled upon Kpop back then and the style and lyrics captivated me. Soon I learned that I have brothers and sisters or as people call it a fandom. I finally belonged somewhere that shared a same interest. I learned that many of us Kpop fans are all victims of society neglecting us. Why is it that Kpop saved so many lives? Why did it take one song in a complete different language to keep our hope alive. I now have a refuge when the world is being hard on me.

"With my eyes down, eyes down, eyes down"

I haven't been this happy in a long time. Kpop had resurected my soul. I had lost my self in my journey in life but I gained a new chapter thatbegan to clear my world up. New promises made and new friendship were created. I have the best unnie in the world. I am so grateful. It was destiny we met. Our lives were so alike. It was creepy but we relate so much that we became like a real family. No one else in our circle. Just us being curious about our lives and each other. Now I share everythin with her and vice versa. I stopped being so suicidal as before. I still struggle with people but I can't change in an instance. I have been raised to be submissive and obidient to scurry away in fear and to cry my pain out by myself. I can't look people in the eyes. It hurts trying and it scares me. My life have been struggling too much. 

"Never be afraid even if you're cornered"

I just am so grateful that I found this home in Kpop. As I watched the music video my life was showned to me. Amber is such a great person and though she says most scenes are from her and her friend's experiences, I can't think of Amber being pushed to the thought of suicide. She's too precious for me that I name her my inspiration and role model. She taught me to be strong and be happy with the way I look even if others don't like me atleast I am enough for some. Her words will always impact me deeep and I'm glad she does becuase life is so hard that I get lost. I stopped self-harming this year, yeah I get tempted when it gets too hard but I can't others rule me and se me weak like they wanted. I need to show I'm above them and they won't get to me. I cried only once in front of those s and I hated it. I was weak and they were talking about me. It was humiliation and I couldn't be caught again like that. My mom she tries to understand but so much I have hidden from her. I can't rely on her. The life lesson novelas show only show her reactions. Self harmers are mental ill and stupid, teens that get bullied are useless, teens that are trying so hard to be like others are stupid, girls wanting to be "tomboy" style are weird and lesbians. How can I rely on someone like that. Heck I'm dating a girl online! I have cut my skin layers various times! I want to do a tomboyish style or dark style! I want piercings and tattoos on me! I get bullied! I want to be skinny and beautiful for once! I have been ually harrassed in middle school! I was used for pleasure in middle school! How can I come out clean to someone who doesn't accept this. I'll be sent to church or mental institute (my sister's  friend was forced into one for being suicidal and lesbian) I don't belong in their standards. I would be outcasted by my dad. I would be sent into the streets if I spoke all my dirty secrets that I am ashamed off and ones that just happened.

"Fight your way, Fight your way" 

There isn't much I can do to change my ugly self and past. Memories are stuck in my mind. Words revolve me and label me. I am not normal. I am just a weird girl who wasn't supposed to be alive. I was nearly gone as a child. I wouldn't be suffering like this if I had died on that day. But here I am going against society and not fitting in with the crowd. Is it me or is it them. They gang up on me and tell me it's me! I'm sick of this. I want to rest. I want it to end. I cry alone in my room. I been buying stuff animals to keep me company. I was never given a stuff animal after I turned 1 and for some reason my personality changes to a kid when I see one. My mom says I'm crazy and childish but still buys it for me because I get sad if I don't get it. I talk to them. I have conversations with them. Each little animal is a person. I named them all of couse since I'm dumb asf I name them after the first kpop male idol that feels like the animal sometimes it's an otp name. I got a blue bunny yesterday and it felt like Namber. So that's his name. The otp name for Eric and Amber. I have BamBam (small panda), Taoris (christmas bear), Leo (Grind Reaper), D.O (Owl),and Eunwoo (Small Pink bunny). They are my only company when I am crying. They cheer me up and our convos keep me smiling as tears spill. My only best friend knows I'm going through stuff but I keep major parts out. She doesn't know alot on who I'm dating and I'm sad over it because I'm lying to her but I can't loose her. I can't be alone again!

"Cause Mom said I'd be crossing borders"

I get a little strong each day and I fall down again. Hurt and recovery back to pain and insecurity. It's a cylce. I don't see it leaving soon. 

"Through the Borders"

Even if I am not in their standards I can get through it as I grow older. I'm 16 and soon in months I'll be 17. I'll graduate next year. Entering life full time. I struggle but I survive. If I'm so different then I'll live like that even if it causes me pain from others. I don't want to be fake. I can pretend to be happy but I can't pertend to be someone I am not. I'll put my mask on and no one notices how broken I  really am. They never will understand. Never.

"There's so much more ahead"

I won't stop now. I'll go as far as I get. When I'm down I'll go into my home for refuge. Kpop will still be here and Amber will be too. I only need this to continue on in life. 

Just as Amber sings in Borders, I can be different and others can judge but I need to be strong and not show weakness. I may not look at you in the eyes but I'm barely hanging on. I still can survive through this with enough strength. With time things will change or it may not but God is with us and he doesn't do mistakes. Human do mistakes. I'll be me even if it pains me. I'll do it for Amber because she has done so much and seeing her succeed gives me hope.

If I ever meet her I hope I can thank her for giving me hope. Thank her for fighting against judgement. Thank her for being herself. Thank her for so much more. I love her. I respect her and I will always remember her in future years.

Thank you, if you came to this end. The song got me emotional and I cry hearing it. It's too beautiful! Don't feel bad for me. I learned to not pay attention to it. I don't want pity from others. I only need love and care. It's difficult being an outcast of society. I wish I was someone else but it's ok. I'm not alone in this battle^^

I love you guys! <3