< 憧れ / 김윤석 >

To calm himself after Yeoreum's funeral and tame the roaring of his heart, Kim Yoonseok reached into the inner pocket of his suit coat and pulled a small notebook out, painfully slow searching for a free side in it. He had decided to write a list of the things that had ticked him off the most about Yeoreum- this method had always helped when he couldn't control his heart before, when he was about to cross the street and knock on her door, to confess and -most-likely- endanger their friendship with that... and so he stoically started noting down the same few -barely a handful- words down, feeling his chest tightening more and more with every single letter...

Yet as he moved his pen further down the small page, tears dripped down and the words vanished, forming small blue petals on their white background and he remembered the day he saw her running through that field of corn flowers, Yeoreum wearing that simple, white dress he had always loved seeing her in- and again, his pen started moving across a new page.

 

 

I'm sorry.

The moment everyone knelt down in front of you to pay you their respects, the wish of us never having met crossed my mind, and I immediately blamed myself for it. 

Do you remember that one day in our first year of highschool, when you discovered that habit of mine? Writing bad things about you on a piece of paper whenever we had an argument? I did that again today- and it made me realise how selfish I was, and how much it meant to me when you were around and I could freely communicate with you.

I know it's selfish, and I accept that you chose to give up fighting and left this world, yet instead of  sending you off, I want to keep you near and greet you every single day. I long for too many things about you to say goodbye, and I regret too many things to voice out exactly these feelings infront of the others.

Don't get me wrong- us never having met would possibly have been one of the biggest disasters in my life. Something, someone, would have been missing without you by my side. There's no way I could ever regret loving someone as bright as you. Someone who made me feel alive whenever she was around, whose smile made me smile, whose tears made me cry- even if they were shed in silence, not hearable on the phone. 
The only thing I regret is being the coward I am for never using one of the many chances I had with you since we met. I regret never getting to hold you the way I want to, to never get to know the feeling of your lips on mine. I regret never voicing out how much you mean to me, boyfriend by your side or not- I shouldn't have been the coward I am. 

I started having feelings for you when we were 8, and be assure that I'd still have loved you when I'm 80. Rather than the last moment I saw you, I will remember the happy times, the days when we used to make flower crowns and played house together, the nights we all spent together camping in each other's backyards, the family vacations we spent together at the beach.
It'll possibly make you sad at first, yet I won't live on the way you wanted me to. I will not strive to become the stunning English teacher you always thought I'd become- and I won't even think about meeting someone barely half as precious as you and getting married- because you will always be my first choice. Instead, I will stop throwing away my precious time for college entry applications and rather take care of the matters that were left unfinished when you stepped out of this world: I will fully dedicate myself to uniting your group of friends, to tie the loose strings we are together and make them all grow closer and happy, help them grieve and teach them to carefully watch over each other- though I'm no expert myself when it comes to the last.

 

I will stop by that spot you loved so much, that small playground where we first met, and pay my respects to you everyday- and bringing you letters telling you how everythings going, knowing you will forever watch over us- and still being selfish, I won't be praying for you to come back as it's impossible- I will just pray for me to be granted one of the places next to you when my time comes.

 

Until the day we match the pace of our footsteps once more

 

 

 

< / face 01 > Lee Jinki (SHINee)

< / face 02 > Choi Minho (SHINee)

× loyal, fatherly, honest, creative, romantic, thoughtful, attentive ×

× regretful, masochistic, secretive, timid, uptight, stoic  ×

 

"Another morning without you

and a couple more for me to go.

Some days, all I can do is lie in bed

and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart-

yet it all gets worse when the night comes

to bring my demons

who exactly know about the truth

behind my smile

that no one understands."

 

[My Demons- Kim Yoonseok]

 

 

< / trivias > 
— Together with two photos of her (childhood and highschool age), he keeps the first letter he wrote to Yeoreum (the one above^) in his purse and reads it whenever he seems to lose track of his life plans.

— He writes daily letters to Yeoreum and delivers them to their favourite spot (the playground where they first met as children), where he puts all of them carefully into a hidden hole in a trunk.

— Yoonseok lent his sweater to Yeoreum when they made a quick break on their trip to their vacation, and still keeps it unwashed because -even though she only had it on for 20 minutes- it still faintly carries her scent.

— He tries to keep the others close together and help them mourn and move on, yet at the same time, he's possibly the one needing comfort the most- Yet he grieves in secret, hoping that he will somehow get over this crisis on his own.

— There was a time when he got suspicious about the way Yeoreum seemed worn-out and lifeless, yet he tried to justify her behaviour with stress and the amount of problems teenagers usually have to deal with- maybe he also didn't want to believe that there was a way for his personal ray of light to fall into darkness, and that she'd ,without a doubt,forever be the bright girl she used to be.

— His favourite colours are black, green and white.

— He used to laugh at Yeoreum's face whenever he "accidentally" got her roses for her birthday because they "surely were her favourite flowers?", only to then hand over a bouquet of white and pastel pink sweet peas.
— hearing her sing made Yoonseok forget about his anxieties and self-doubts.

— The only attempt he made to confess to Yeo was when he was nine and drew a heart for her in the sand at the playground, yet she jumped on it without knowing and he was taken aback, feeling dumb for it.

— The guys in the group constantly try setting him up with girls or taking him to mixers, because they think he needs to get a love life. (You can decide if they know about his feelings or not??? But after years of friendship they'd at least be suspicious, I guess...)

— He hated it when Yeo wore sunglasses because they made it difficult for him to look at her -to him- most stunning feature- her eyes.

— Yoonseok is the herbivore type of men and also favours calm, lazy activities like sleeping, reading and listening to music. 

— He planned on applying for SNU's English course, yet threw away these thoughts after the incident to take care of his friends.

— He's learned taekwondo and despite his pure nature, wouldn't refrain from using it if his loved ones were in danger.

— He used to dye his hair a lot (basically the colours Yeoreum the girls chose for him). Currently, it's pastel pink with a tinge of silver, yet he plans on dying it in a simple dark brown for his university interviews.

— His clean and chic style of clothing can't conceal the way he's often seen walking past strangers with his head hung low, shoulders croushing and back slightly bent forward- whenever his friends aren't around, his whole presence screams "I'm pretty, but please, leave me alone!".

— He has the same lame and strange humor as Yeoreum used to and often called their group of friends "The Awkwards" because whenever Yeoreum was not around, they were strangely calm with each other, mostly small-talking.

— He's good at reading moods and mediating.

— He always carries a notebook and a pen with him in his bag, backpack or jackets- just in case there's something he needs to get out of his mind quickly.

< / cnnctns > 

 

" I would have fought for you every battle of your life

yet you were never mine to fight for in the first place.

Maybe, I was not good enough

Yet I will be the day we meet again

And becoming your white knight,

I will shield you from any harm."

 

[White Knight - Kim Yoonseok]

 

 

 

 

–  The Awkwards  – 

 

"This silence is ing me up- just talk to me, just do it!"

 

"I'm scared to tell you all how much it hurts, the things I miss, the things I regret."

 

 

< / reaction to the "incident" > 

Yoonseok had been released from the hospital just one day after the incident- there had been nothing wrong with him on a medical standard but a small remnant of the shock that couldn't not be treated with the right medication; and so the only thing the doctors had handed over to his mother was a small package of pills to calm him down. A half pill three times a day, maybe the doubled dose if he couldn't sleep- his mother had followed the instructions carefully, and even more precise, Yoonseok had spit them out again the moment she left his room, only to carefully store them away in his night stand. There was no need for medication- for now. Nothing was wrong with him- as long as she was there.

Ever since his release, he had refused to leave his room, even the width of his bed seemed too wide to leave. So there he sat, empty and colorless eyes starring at an electronic photo frame, a small collection of his favourite graduation photos running through way too fast for his tired mind, pictures changing too fast to take in each and every detail, and so he looked the series of 362 pictures over and over again. The Awkwards in their full glory, Yeoreum and her girl friends, Yeoreum and her boyfriend, Yeoreum and Yeojin, Yeoreum and Yoonseok himself... Yeoreum. It had always been her. Yeoreum came from the US to Korea, to his city. She moved to his neighbourhood; became his first female friend. She became his first crush. "I should have urged you to let me drive. I should have noticed you were out of your mind." But he was too blinded to see. Blinded by the wish that her smile, the shimmer in her eyes would never fade away. "I should have urged you to- No-" His voice broke the moment the picture frame turned dark, only a small sign saying "low battery" blinking before it turned itself off completely. Panicking, he practically jumped over to his night stand, not even glancing over to the full cup of tea that had long cooled down and now shattered on the wooden floor beneath. Taking his spare batteries out of a drawer and exchanging the empty for the full ones, he felt his head starting to get swomped again. Coldness. Pain. Blood and glass shards. Long, black lashes flattering down to close a pair of sorrowful eyes- No. I don't want to see- Yeoreum's not dead, she's here. She's looking at me.  He fumbled for a second to restart the frame, yet it seemed like an eternity until the first picture of her showed up again. There, her lips are curved. She's smiling, you see. She's okay. You're okay. And again, he felt a sacred mix of warmth and numbness spreading inside of his body. The pain was gone.

"I should have urged you to let me drive. I should have died that day", he repeated, like a mantra to soothe himself, yet it only enraged his feelings of guilt even more, and he was close to breaking down as he felt a small, tiny summer breeze coming in from the partially opened window- along with her well-known scent and the feeling of her hands on his shoulders. "It's okay, you can cry if you want- it's okay to grieve." Yoonseok knew she wasn't there for real- he just remembered the day Yeoreum had comforted him after his grandfather had passed away. "Don't think about looking ugly. You will always be cool to me, no matter what you do." He tried to reach for her hand on his left shoulder, yet she drew away from him. "You are all so important to me. I want you to be happy, too. Smile and everything will get better." His eyes still fixated on the frame, he'd speak up again, in sync with his memories. "After all, there's always sunshine after rain." 

He sighed heavily, and the moment the breeze was gone, her illusion fell apart in front of his eyes- yet unharmed by it, Yoonseok got up and smiled, got up from his bed and carefully walked around it, avoiding the shards of the tea cup on the ground, slowly reaching for the small pill that had been resting on the saucer, and put it into the same drawer as it's relatives. 

"There's sunshine after rain, you said. So happiness awaits me after I make it through." And determined to help the others back onto their path to happiness, he grabbed a pair of new clothes and made his way to the bathroom, ready to shower and flee from the nightmarish narrowness of his room.

 

 

 

< / how are they after "the incident" > 

"Everyone said they're surprised by the way I easily seemed to get over the whole accident and how put-together I behave when they expected me to break down and cry- of course, they're just half-way wrong. I'm the oldest and -maybe- the most composed and mature out of us, so it's my responsibility to be strong and help the others grieve..." He'd laugh a little, before his eyes would lose their spark, and the faint wrinkles on the edges of his mouth would grow much deeper. "To be honest, I was never good at showing my emotions to the people around me- I feel awkward and uneasy whenever I let my guard off. Yeoreum was one of the few persons I was an open book to, and the loss of her cuts deeper than anything I ever experienced... Yet sometimes, when I'm alone and my sadness overwhelmes me, it feels like there's a small whiff and she's there, small hands on my shoulder or cool fingertips gently patting my face and hair to comfort me. I know she's still around to watch over all of us, and she wants me to help the others move on and start living again." 

 

< / what were they doing before it happened > 

"I was sitting in the back and stole a few quick glances of Yeoreum through the rearview mirror while faintly hearing the others chatting and playing word games or singing along the songs they played on their phones. She had seemed weird to me all day long, yet she had rejected my offer to take over the wheel for her and the passenger seat had been taken already, so... I kept looking at her and tried to find a reason for her feeling so down." He would once more cringe at the painful memories and tears would build up in his eyes, voice turning hoarse as he'd still go on. "I was so- so caught up in her eyes that I didn't notice what she said before she turned the steering wheel. I remember trying to grab past her for the wheel myself, but I could only focus on the tears rolling down her cheeks, and then the impact came a-and- once I regained concience, the first thing I... I saw Yeoreum's face in the mirror. I knew I had to move, to get out and call the ambulance as fast as possible, to get the others out of the car and help them, help her- but for a moment, I couldn't. I just sat there and stared, like the coward I am. I was scared of losing her, yet at the same time, I couldn't do anything to prevent it. I was... paralyzed." After all, hearing her say it wasn't as valuable to him as reading it, the expression in her eyes- "I'm sorry, I can't keep on fighting anymore. I'm happy you all seem to be okay." - And it was powerful enough to tie him to his seat, seatbelt locked or not.

< / commnts > Here's Kim Yoonseok, 2016's MVC (most valuable coward). Kick him like Beckham because he deserves it and is a masochist. If you've got any questions, feel free to talk to me, because I have a lot more to say (but I didn't want to pack it all in the app because SUPERANGST ;;;;) and I fear it would be pretty confusing for most people if they're not able to feel him and to take a look behind the thick curtains that hide his one true wish. ;;;; /runs off to cry her eyes out and stab herself for being so mean to Yoonseokie;

 

(i used small snippets of stuff i wrote in my darker times. It's embarrassing, but somewhat pleasing as well. LOL

the small poems were supposed to become the quotes under the gifs of jinki, yet there were too many lines, so... i used quotes from the four title songs i listened to while writing, making this mainly SHINee-inspired /cries rivers and, finally, dehydrates;

< / questns > Did you cry? I did. As I said- I'm a puddle, Darling. Thanks.