Hey,

I've been off college for three days now due to an infection in my throat that has now moved to my chest *cries*  and no one questioned my whereabouts all my friends literally didn't notice I wasn't there with them... that is how un-important I am....

However yesterday out of all the people in the large group I sit with one guy who really I don't consider as a friend but a person of the group since we don't talk often messaged me asking if I was okay. That hit me that all my friends cant ask if I am okay but a guy who doesn't talk to me often did... my ex messaged me aswell since I hadn't been to class with them and they got worried. I told them I was sick but they knew there was something else...

I splurged it out....

Since two weeks ago I had a mind shift to a dangerous place, I have so much self hate for myself. Everything about me is disgusting, I feel ashamed that people have to see me be it in person or on screen. I had to record myself talking about mental health for a presentation worth 50% of my final grade... and when I watched it over I was disgusted and could not bring myself to allow it to be seen...so I deleted all my recordings...and haven't told my teacher... I felt that I would save the people having to see my ugly face. My counsellor was confused as to why I didn't want to show it since it has a strong message but I told her that only my teacher and the exam board would see it and she said that was barely any people and she went on to say that the exam board won't even know who I am... and I looked at her and said that is also why I don't want them seeing me I am disgusting, I am ashamed that they have to lay eyes upon me, and I hate having people I don't know looking at me anyway. 

I haven't eaten since Tuesday... I've lived off water and juice 

but my ex comforted me when nobody would, my ex listened to me without calling me stupid and how can an ex be more understanding than a friend. Me and my ex are friends since we broke up I refused to allow us to not be friends since I couldn't bare to lose a friendship I treasured and we are fine but that person is more understanding than a friend I grew up with and have known for over 6 years... a person I have only known for less than a year came and comforted me but a person(S) I have know for over 6  years doesn't even bother to message me... 

I am so confused with my life right now

I hate myself and I am sorry you have read this... sorry