Just my ed up lovelife… But I just have to let it out… Btw if you have some thoughts about what I’ll write below, feel free to share those with me because I’m really lost because of my feelings now. :’))

[Long post alert:D]

Soo first of all don’t think it's a first world problem, really, it’s not that huge. I’m just an almost twenty-year-old girl who fell in love/has a really big crush on someone and something happened during New Year’s Eve (don’t worry, I’ll tell you that) and now I feel like dying because I’ve spent a whole month – yes, you read it right, a whole ing month – with thinking and suffering and destroying myself. It’s no one’s fault really, it’s only mine because I do this to myself. :’))

Well, let’s start it.

I started the university last September but I had to move to my country’s capital, Budapest in August. On the first night of my ‘existence’ there I went out with my friend (now we can say she is my best friend and I met her a week earlier at the ‘university camp for the freshmen’ – I don’t know how to call it in English, we call it ‘Gólyatábor’ in Hungarian). So we went out with her close friends. I had fun although everybody was so new to me and everything was good when two boys arrived to the group. They were members of this ‘gang’ of course and it was that time when I first met him… Let’s call him ‘A’ because.. just let it. :’D So I met A but it was no big deal, we just said hello to each other and I introduced myself and that’s all. I didn’t even start to think that ‘omg what a cute boy, I have to have him’. No. I was just okay, two new people why not, I’m usually an open person with bubbly personality who talks a lot and always smiles and loves to meet new people. You know how it’s going.

So the night went on and somehow, I don’t really remember but started to talk to A. We just talked about university and how my  stayin at the dorm is and other casual topics. Nothing serious. I still didn’t have hard feelings for him I just found his eyes extremely beautiful, plus he was the one who talked more. At 1am my friend thought it was time to go home but I really didn’t want to go yet because I would have been alone in my room (my new roommates hadn’t arrived yet) and I wasn’t even tired. So in the end I ended up staying with the two boys. We just went to two other places and we were talking but didn’t stay for long. Buuuut. We missed our buses. Yeah. There’s evening buses in every hour and we missed those (although I wouldn’t even know where to get off the bus). So we had to walk and they were so kind that they accompanied me because I was so new there that I didn’t even know the direction.

We just walked, and rent three bikes, then walked again, then bikes and walking again. They were showing me the main sights of the city (I knew them but why not) and it was really funny and I learnt that the other boy – so not A – was my friend’s ex but they were still friends. I reached my dorm at 3am and they really came with me till the building so I surely reached it (cuties <3).

After that incident our first semester of the university started and after a while I told my friend out of the blue that I thought A was cute. And handsome. It somehow came up when she told me that it was really surprising that how nice conversation I had with A because he is actually a quiet person who doesn't talk a lot.

From then she always invited A when we went somewhere. The “funniest” was when everybody went already home so I was with my friend and her boyfriend but she insulted A to come till the point that he agreed. At 10pm. And my friend and his boyfriend left 10.15……. It was a little awkward but in the end it came out good because we stayed for one more hour and talked. And again he was the one who spoke more. When we decided to leave he told me about three times that he will get off the streetcar at the next stop. I was okay buddy, don’t have to repeat it. BUUUUUUT. We were standing in the vehicle when he suddenly asked me out of the blue if he should accompany me till my stop. And I was like if you want to… And he did. He really did. And after we got off we talked a little and when I was about to say goodbye and told him that I don’t know but maybe we will meet sometime, he immediately asked me if Friday (there was a meeting planned that day for the group). I told him that unfortunately no because I have to go home (you know my hometown) and he was about to go when I said something and he stepped back and asked again about that thing. So it was a long time till we really said goodbye. xd I don’t know if he was just polite that ‘hey let’s go with her because just’ or he really enjoyed my company but yeah, these happened and my crush started to develop.

Later in October there was a meeting again and my friend invited him too (it wasn’t suspicious noooooo) but then he didn’t come with me home because he had to go home earlier. I even asked if he would come but A said noo and he really left. It was sad. :’( And I really got lost so the next day I wrote him a message on Facebook about it. He said he was sorry and next time he would go with me. And we started to talk to each other (only three times because I was the one who always started the conversation and anyways he is not a Facebbok person. He doesn’t have profile picture, posts or any pictures – he has life haha. nope. –).

So slowly I just gave upon him because we didn’t meet or talked and secretly I always hoped that we will meet maybe just accidentally but still. And we didn’t. So I slowly gave up and even two girls from that group told me that it didn’t worth it because A seems like not being interested in girls. No, not in that way, he just exist. Or how to say this… Dunno.

Aaaand that’s when New Year’s Eve happened. He was there too because it was a house party and the gang’s members were invited. We started to play a drinking game (King’s cup or what) and during breaks I talked to him and I was even in one team with him in a table soccer match. When my glass emptied and the others were like why don’t you drink and I told them that because I don’t have any, A immediately said that we should help this! and gave me the vodka bottle and the coke and the lime juice (he really did know what I drank lol).

One note: you should never play drinking games. They are the worst. :’DD

Well we can say that I got really drunk because I don’t remember the toast at midnight and that we started to talk with A on a couch in another room where the music was not that loud. That room was the middle room from where the other rooms were reachable and even the toilet so not the best choice xd

So after the toast we returned to that room and I really don’t remember when it started or how or whaaat but my first memory is that I’m on top of him lying on the couch and making out with him. Heavily. I was just omg I’m doing this with my crush omg omg. And as it revealed we were kissing like 4 hours long. And I know that I said a lot of things because normally I’m an honest person but when drunk, I’m supeeeer honest and tell everybody about my feelings. And I did it with him. I told him how I like him since August and really everything. I even told him that there was an option if he is maybe gay. It’s soooo embarrassing. But he just laughed and pulled me down and kissed me again. It really didn’t disturb us that the others were going to the toilet or to the other rooms but in the end we decided that it’s time to socialize with the others again. After 3 hours…

Then the time when we had to sleep came. The boy whose the house was – and one of A’s best friends – looked at us and said that now we could sleep on the same bed. On the same one-sized-bed. And we agreed.

So we went to our room and placed ourselves on the bed but we couldn’t really sleep because it was uncomfortable and we started kissing again. Then somehow he got on top of me and started to kiss my neck but then suddenly he became like ‘we shouldn’t do this here’ and I agreed because yeah, that wouldn’t be nice (anyway I hadn’t prepared to have interactions like this, not even kissing that night so my legs and you know….. xdd) and we really stopped it. A said it first. A. A guy. Why is he so nice???

But then we couldn’t sleep again so we decided to sleep on the floor next to the radiator. Which was cold btw. So we lay down there and I turned my back to him because I usually sleep on that side and he just pulled me closer to him then intertwined our fingers. IT WAS CUTE. It was the most awesome thing that I’ve experienced in my life (I have never had a boyfriend before and the boys with whom I ever was making out weren’t this nice and didn’t sleep with me. Just sleeping. you knoooow.) So it felt really good and I turned towards him and he intertwined our fingers together again. Maybe I slept a little but then I moved closer to him till the point that our noses were touching and he just opened his eyes and kissed me again. But it was a more gentle kiss than before. I mean not the we eat each other type, just the we simply kissing each other without any tongue and rush and… yeah. And somehow we fell asleep but I couldn’t really sleep and there was a time when my fingers were in his hair and I was caressing him and aww. But in the morning we were already back to back each other and the blanket totally was with him.

And the morning came. It was awkward because we were totally sober and didn’t know what to do with ourselves or what the other thought. But then when I sat on the bed he sat to me and just stared in front of himself then told me that we won’t get away without discussing the night. But he didn’t want it there. He got hangover too so yes. I was okay but my heart felt soo heavy. After that we talked about little casual things and he even said a joke then we walked down to the others.

When I left the house our eyes met but we didn’t say anything and I didn’t know what that stare was. But yeah. I waited for him to write me or something but he didn’t so I did. That when he wanted to talk and where. Here on Facebook or personally. He asked me which one I prefer because both of the okay with him. I told him personally. We discussed our meeting because I had to go to the city four days later due to my exams so I could meet him. It was funny because the day before the meeting I broke my right arm but I insisted on going.

And we met. He gave me two kiss on the cheeks (it’s a normal greeting here but in my hometown it isn’t usual so I don’t know.) and we went to a café in the shopping mall near. He wanted to pay for my latte too but I didn’t let him because Costa Coffee is not a cheap place. So we sat down, tasted our coffees and then he said that we should start it. But none of them wanted.

In the end he was the one because I really couldn’t say anything and he said that first he wanted us not to be awkward with each other because that would be a really big mistake. And he didn’t want that happen that we won’t go to meetings because the other is there too. I was okay with it because I’m not that kind of person who does the opposite. Then he said the other thing: he wants to stay friends now. And that maybe he will regret it by the time he gets home. Maybe twice. But he wants this. And I was just like okay, as you wish. I can’t force you. But I told him that everything I said that night about that I like him is true. And he said that yeah he was afraid of this. But he doesn’t want a relationship. Not just with me. And I asked why and he told me that because he can’t handle the awkward situations like this and hates it. The only other thing that he dislikes this much is the hot weather. And that my friend dated one of his friends from the group and after the break up the guy never came to the meetings and he didn’t want that… And I just told him that I understood.

It was a little awkward after it – even when he told me out of the blue that no, he is not gay and I was like OMG I SAID IT??? – but then he tried to bring up some conversation and in the end we stayed there for an hour and talked about other things. He told me a story about my friend when she was soo drunk and he just laughed and he was sooo adorable that I could die.

When we were about to leave he told me that he had to go to the library – which was in the opposite direction of my dorm – but later I said jokingly that he could walk with me to the dorm. And he said YES. I told him that he didn’t have to but he said that he had time. But then he just stopped at the bus stop and I thought that maybe he meant the walking till this point but NO. He ing got on the bus with me!! And he went to the dorm with me. And I was like wtf. Then we had a little awkward moment when he asked if I want kisses on my cheek as goodbye and we really couldn’t decide if it was awkward or not, two green lamp was over when I finally said that okay let’s do it and we gave each other two kisses on the cheeks and said goodbye. And when I arrived to my room I just broke down and cried. Like really hard. I couldn't even study for my exam.

And here I am, I spent a whole month agonizing on a thing like this but there’s no day when I don’t think about him for at least an hour. And yeah, we haven’t met yet because he was always busy like skiing and couldn’t go to the drinking sessions. And I just don’t know.

And here’s some things related to this:

At the beginning my friend was always: oooh he likes you, don’t be so negative and etc but now yes she wrote me that maybe A is not ready for a relationship and it was just kissing we shouldn't imagine things into it. And that he has a really busy schedule at the university – which is true and moreover he failed his exam second time – so yes. And that she thinks that maybe he doesn’t know what comes with a relationship and wouldn’t have time and that I should forget him.

And the sister of A’s friend who is friend with me too told me:

A was a little fat when he was child – now he is really thin O.o . And he hasn’t have any girlfriends yet so maybe he is just afraid. Moreover they never saw him kissing a girl or doing things like that night before so yes. But she doesn’t know what was that because A was always this shy and didn’t talk too much and really. Even his friends don’t know what he is thinking. But he is not that type of guy who would just kiss any girl even in drunken state and he is always the one who sober up the fastest (she said these too). And yeah, I don’t know how badly he was drunk when sleeping time arrived because we were 4 hour after our last drinking session. So he couldn’t be that bad, or??

Oh and her brother told A that he should say that we should stay friends because the girls always say that so it should be okay.

Soo that’s it. I’m friendzoned and really suffering because he is such a nice guy. But really. And I just have to listen to the jokes among the group member’s like I have to sleep on the same bed like A when we go on holiday because in that house there’s no enough bed. Because yes. A’s family has a summer house and we will go there in the summer.

And I just wanted to write it down. Because I hope I can forget him. But I just can’t. He didn’t say straight that I don’t have any chances so that tiny hope is still in me and this is the worst. If I knew he doesn’t like me a little bit, it would be much easier.

So this is my ed up lovelife… :’))) <33