HI FRIENDS can I just dump all my worries in front of all of you~ So. The main reason I hadn't been writing recently is well, because, college. I wanted to confess something to you guys that is quite personal, and I do feel I have to tell you all this, for my piece of mind--I failed my first English subject--and I was absolutely devastated. To have failed at something I really loved, I took it hard. So hard. I didn't believe in anything I wrote anymore. I felt worthless as a writer. I could not find inspiration in the little things I used to. I could not write continuously without doubting myself, thinking that the sentences I would write were no good. I lost hope. I lost my writing style. I lost the charm that my writing used to have, and that is because my professor, who failed me, had taught to "strip writing to its most simple components." I worked on that guiding principle, and now I no longer know who I am as a writer. I no longer know how to convey my emotions with words. Things were not the way it used to. And I was falling apart. 

In the midst of all this chaos, my mother, who I am very fond of, had left the country to work abroad. I've been there, spent 6 months of summer at the same country, looking for myself, traveling, visiting art galleries, reading books, watching both classic and modern films, volunteering at cultural fairs,  and studying Korean language as well. I drew myself onto all of these pleasures, in hopes of finding inspiration again. I never wrote in those 6 months. I did not have the courage to. But on the other hand, I was learning tons about myself. I knew what I liked, and I knew how to keep myself happy. I knew how to pat myself on the back and reaffirm my own self esteem. I was healing.

Now, I'm back in my country to continue my studies at university. I'd met my mom abroad, of course, we visited amusement parks, museums, different states, even. But I am faced with another dilemmma. I am missing her terribly. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, then I pick myself up, brush myself off and convince myself that I'm strong. Convince myself that I can pretend to be okay for her sake.

Well, that's my story. I feel relieved to have released this stress.

I'm doing better now, guys. Really. I don't cram as much as I did before in first year (I'm a sophomore now). I get better scores at my quizzes. I don't stress as much. Perhaps when I was abroad, I learned to understand myself as a person. 

TLDR; I grew as a person. Haven't written anything after a traumatic experience. But I grew from it, and that's what matters to me. 

For anyone of you out there who is having a hard time in anything, let me know. Message me. I got your back. I know how you feel.

--K

Note:

This is the first time I'm crying again after writing anything. The last time I did was when I wrote a sad fic for Jongin, which I'm excited to put out for you guys once I get around to edit it and make it amazing.

Teacher who failed me got fired from my university. Damage done, but hey. I hope she understands that how she treats her students is not fair.