Dear You,

 

You will never read this. You will never even glance at it, acknowledge it. And I’m fine with that.

 

There’s so many things that I want to say about you. And it’s stupid to think that I’m still hung up on you, after everything you’ve done to me.

 

I want to know why I’m still infatuated with you.

 

Is it because of the way your eyes became a smile whenever you laughed?

 

Is it because of the way you held my hand when it was literally dripping with sweat because I’m always so nervous when I’m around you?

 

Is it because of the way you talked to me that made me feel like everything is okay? That there’s no need to worry about the foolish things out there?

 

I told you everything. I told you all of my deepest and darkest secrets that not even my best friends know. I trusted you with that information, because I know that you would never let the words slip out.

 

You told me everything. Every single detail. How much you were broken on the inside, but on the outside, you never show it. You didn’t want to burden your friends. The things you told me made my mind open up and notice the little things that no one else seems to see. That there’s someone else out there who feels the same pain as me.

 

And I realized that we’re the same. We’re both broken. We’re in need of repairing. But, we had each other. There was no one or nothing else out there that can makes us feel the comfort that we had for each other.

 

We used to talk on the phone every night, all night. Telling each other our secrets, making promises. It was our life-line, what we really needed. And that was comfort. Because we didn’t get it from anyone else.

 

You weren’t just my boyfriend.

 

You were my best friend, too.

 

So why?...Why did you do this to me?...Was it really all a waste?...The promises we made for each other, the hushed secrets we emitted...Was it all for nothing?

 

Was I just something you could pass time with? Am I that ing pathetic to think that everything we “had” was just fake? Am I that desperate?

 

I tried. I tried to make everything better. But you weren’t having it. You took me in, and threw me out. Just like all the other times we went out. Just a ing waste of time, is that it?

 

You’ve been on my mind for I don’t know how long. As many times as I don’t want to miss you, I do. I tried to forget about you by trying to fall for someone else. But, I realized that it wasn’t right. The replacement for you was a rebound. That wouldn’t be fair. I would’ve been doing the same thing that you were doing to me.

 

You’ve been on my mind for so long that I’m having dreams about you. And not sad dreams. Happy dreams. The type of dreams that I want to really happen in real life. Because, in those dreams, we were back together and satisfied.

 

But, I don’t want to get back together. I’ve decided to never, ever get back together with you again. We’ve went out three times already, and I know for sure that we won’t work out anymore.

 

No, what I really want to do is talk to you. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to hear you rough, but gentle voice. I want to hear your cheesy and erted jokes that always make me laugh. I want to hear you sweet, cracky laugh.

 

However, I know I can’t. I can’t talk to you. I can’t hear you rough and gentle voice. I can’t hear your cheesy and erted jokes that always make me laugh. I can’t hear your sweet and cracky laugh. Because...I know that you would never let me.

 

In school, we only have one class together, and I take advantage of that. I sit behind you, so I get to see every movement you do whether if I’m watching you or my peripheral catches it. The way you scratch your head whenever we do hard assignments. The way you push your glasses up the bridge of your nose occasionally. The way you ruffle your soft hair to make sure it’s perfect.

 

And, I know you look at me too. Whenever I look away, you look at me. And, I hate it. I hate how I want to forget about you, but you’re always there, reminding me of you. I can’t stop it. It has become my drug.

 

I hate you. I love you. I don’t want to see you. I want to see you. I don’t want to hear your stupid voice. I want to hear your lovely voice. I don’t miss you. I miss you so much.

 

How am I supposed to get over you when I can’t?

 

I wonder what you’re doing, where you’re doing it, when you’re doing it. And, I wonder...Are you going through this like me? Do you ever think of me? Do you want to take a shot at us again? Do you want to talk to me? Do you even want to see me?

 

It’s hard. But, for my own sake, for my own sanity, I will get over you. I will forget about you. I have to be patient.

 

Because, of course...Everything takes time.

 

Love,

 

Me