I was happy

I swear I was

I remember smiling so widely until my cheeks would hurt

I remember laughing so hard until my tummy started to ache

Happiness was being able to have the blocks to myself

Happiness was when I could hold my one and only friend's hand as the class walked in two lines

Happiness was when I was in Mama's arms during pick-up time

Happiness was when Papa would tell me a funny story just before bedtime

Then suddenly things got scary

We moved and I grew up

... We grew up

People weren't very nice anymore

It wasn't anything new but suddenly every word they said mattered

It wasn't like before

This time every hurtful word would echo in my mind the whole day

I wanted to speak, to cry, to just shout

But Mama and Papa were busy with Kakak

Kakak wanted to smoke, to run away, to get tatoos and piercings

Kakak was 11

So how could I speak?

Mama and Papa would praise me

But they'd scold Kakak right in front of me

I couldn't become like her

I wouldn't, I refused

So I stayed quiet

And while I was silent, all those contained words just accumulated

Everyday, for years

Words turned into grenades and I was getting weak with every explosion inside of me

Yet still... How could I speak when Kakak was having trouble studying?

Now she's okay and everyone is happy

... and I swear I was happy

*Kakak means 'older sister' in Malay*