It's like...yeah, you're feeling better; you're doing okay.

You're in your car, blasting Christmas music, singing along to is obnoxiously, eating chicken nuggets, laughing, functioning.

For a moment, you feel normal and you're not a shadow of yourself and it's okay and you think it's not so bad because you're getting better. But then, you're just blindsided by all the self-hate and feelings and you just start crying for no reason. You don't want to talk to anyone because when people worry, it makes you cry even harder. You know everybody has their own demons to fight and you don't want to be burdensome. You just wanna recede into yourself and sleep for a few days until the nightmare goes away and you can return to your momentary high again.

You long for the days when you could smile without forcing it.