i just need to get this out of my system. 

Ive loved you for 6 years. I've given you my heart, my time, anything I could I gave to you. I watched as she broke your heart over and over until eventually you cried in front of me; I'm the only one to have seen you cry. You knew I loved you but we always just miscommunicated and we stayed friends, good friends. Even best friends. 

You told me in the summer before you left that whenever you came to town you would always make time for me even if we just did homework together but the three times you came into town you were always at someone's house high or drunk. That's the only state I hear from you anymore. 

You're always high, drunk, both, or about to be both. Where did my friend go! You broke every single promise you made to me but I still gave you a chance. You always corrected me when I said you'd never lied to me or broken a promise, you always told me that yes you had. Well now I notice that you have. 

Are you mad because of thanksgiving? Because of what I said when I told you I didn't believe you would come see me? Well you didn't do wasn't I right? You'd just say you didn't come because of how I treated you but you never did before so why would you keep your word then? So you just ignore me now? 

I wish you a happy birthday not even a thank you. I get you gifts not even a thank you. I wish you luck on your surgery that you have always wanted because of how subconscious you've always been with your jaw, not a thank you. You blatantly ignore me because you respond to everyone else. 

I'm the person who doesn't deserve this from you. I've been by your side longer than anyone. Yes I've driven you crazy but you drive me crazy too. You tell me things like you don't think you'll ever have to find out what it feels like to not have me as a friend but you don't think you'd care if we had broken up? Well we did break up and it hurt but we moved on. Feelings were still mentioned but dating always came up. 

But now...when I needed you the most...you were gone. I had to go to my final exam with one thought in my head, 'I might have cancer'. I might have cancer and I'm terrified so I message you but you ignored me. I didn't make tell you this long, distressed message, just tried to start a conversation. And you ignored me. Am I supposed to beg for you to talk to me now? I'm terrified because I might have cancer and all I want to do is talk to you! 

Is that what you want to hear because it's true. Umma tried to help and she did. She let me know that she was there for me even half way across the world when I have been a terrible, absent friend to her for years. But you? You who claims to be my friend and is 30 minutes away won't even answer me...

I can't tell if I hate or love you anymore. I miss the guy who would start random conversations at night to make sure I was okay, the guy who would send me tumblr posts to make me laugh when my depression was at its worst. I loved him so much, as a friend and more. I want him back...please...give him back...I'm scared...please don't leave me alone here...