I'm not exactly sure what I want to say here, I don't even know what I want at the moment.

No, I lie.

I do know what I want and I want this pain to go away. This pain that cripples my every thought, this pain that twists and churns my stomach into knots, this pain that's got me wanting to just crawl into bed, hide under the covers and, well, I don't know. Cry until I can't breathe? Cry until I get so tired (not that I'm not already) and fall asleep? On another note, I really want to just sleep all day so I could past time quickly without needing to think about living the day. I just want time to pass quickly so I can go to bed at night and sleep (again).

This feeling is all too familiar and I don't like knowing what happens next, I don't want to go down that lane again, I've fought so hard to get out of that black hole three years ago and I sincerely, truly do not want to fall back there but at the same time, why does it sound so comforting? Why does the idea of falling sound so tempting?

Ironically, I dread falling but I also miss the feeling of falling into the unknown blackness, letting it to overwhelm me. It's not that my eyes aren't opened and I can't see anything. My eyes are open, and I can see something: the darkness. My thoughts are losing coherence, I can't think straight anymore. It's like between wanting and fearful. Lusting over the sweet bitterness yet completely repulsed by the foul taste.

I am afraid at the idea of getting too comfortable in this little black hole again.

But it is not saving that I want.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this not because there isn't anyone there to talk to, there are so many people I know who would want to help me and I am not going to jump into the "I'm so lonely, I don't have anyone" ship because I know very well that ship is a lie.

I just chose not to talk to anyone because I don't feel like talking. But somehow I still need to let these thoughts out because keeping them up bottled inside of me is going to cause more damage than letting these thoughts out.

I really don't know what the point of this stupid post is anymore.