First of all,

Sorry for not being so active lately. I have my story to tell you. A confession, exactly. 

One killer word - depression. 

You see, everything started out smoothly on January, with me settling good in new school, getting new friends and all.

February came, I had fun but I try to keep it to myself so rather than have fun with friends like others, I am alone , writing story and stuffs. 

March came, yet I began to feel insecure, fear and doubt my self-esteem. But I brushed it off, thinking it was just my habit or something to do with hormones or somewhat else. 

April , it became strange. I will start to think negatively about everything. I cannot focus to many things. I was stressed but I tried to calm down and I could calm down. So it went by.

May is when I started to grow distant . I cannot focus or calm down anymore. I cannot relax at all. My relationship with people around me collapsed and I kept fighting. I became more depressed. 

I was really sensitive, I cannot enjoy my life, I felt grounded, trapped and lonely. Then I was shocked to a news. And thats it. Everything became horrible. I started to self-harm. Don't ask me why. I didn't want to feel happy because I felt like something would come and get me if I felt happy. I felt insecure and sad. My mood was down. I began to hate everyone. I began to not trust them. I was still sad. 

I didn't know how to explain. When I am sad, it just went too far. I cannot stop crying, I will feel the same thing and repeat it over and over. I cannot get shocked otherwise I will end up grieving. 

I told my mom when it got the worst. I cannot stop cutting because it was the only way I can focus and I like it when I can focus. I took pills mostly coughing medicine or paracetamol so I can sleep peacefully. Or felt in peace. 

I understood why I cannot stand people closest to me being cold to me. Yes because my family treated me in way that I cannot understand. Sometimes they were nice and sometimes they were cold. I cannot understand them. I felt damned, very upset if the person closest to me acted that way but I could not tell him how I felt. I was so lost , trapped. 

I took out some advices and start to feel more peaceful eventhough sometimes I cannot contain myself. I cannot hold myself to cry, sometimes I wept silently in the classroom, buried my head in my arms and cried silently. I fought my urge to cut by a threat. 

Finally, after a countless books and mental tortures, I became calmer. But just then I was betrayed. Damn, it was really hurt and painful. But I managed it and it went away. 

However, I feared more if my episode of depression come back. I read that people usually had more than one episode in their real life. 

I tried to confess to my friends but I am afraid if I would burden them and the friends in my new school, I never trust them. There's no one I could tell. 

I felt lost again when I thought about next year. Next year will be a big year for me. The Exam will determine my future and I was really afraid if I failed. I failed to cope with my depression this year and barely passed it. I just don't know how to cope next year without the person closest to me that used to hear all my confessions, and everything. I feared I might lost again. 

The people never know how it felt to be depressed. They forced me to change and everything but they never give me spirits to go on. 

I am alone, fighting by myself yet they always said , "C'mon change yourself, I am not going to be ur friend until then,"

That's why I isolated myself. 

I am tired of myself too, I never want to be like this, I never wanted this. NEVER. I just want to be happy but why after I felt happy that every of the single damned happiness will crash not long after that. 

I am sick of it. Sick of myself. Lonely and depressed. I never want this. I am tired. Let me breath. Let me free. I was really hurt, struggled to breath everytime I remember or heard their sharp, blade like words. It torn me aparts, broke me down and I felt helpless.

I just wish that I can feel some love too. I am human afterall. Just treat me right. That's all I wanted.

They never know how I wish I wasn't like this too, that sometimes I wished to be hit by something and get amnesia so I will not remember any pain or hurt that I've felt. I wish I can forget everything and start a new. But I cannot do it alone. 

TO THE CLOSEST PERSON WITH ME, 

I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS ANYWAY BUT THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO ME. I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN STRUGGLING TO SAVE ME AND STRESSED OUT TOO.  WISH I AM NOT LIKE THIS TOO. :)

I remembered phrase like, 'Life is hard so why live it?' Then I began to think about suicide but I never do that. But yes, I do think if I left, if I am gone then everyone should be relieved right? No more stress, cry and eveeything that I caused. Well, losing me won't hurt that much..