So yeah, according to an online test that I took, I might have moderate to severe depression. Now this isn’t really a shock for me, because I have been suspecting it for a while. I took the same test months back and it said that I have borderline/mild depression then.

Now, I know that online tests aren’t really reliable, but there is no way for me to approach an actual psychologist and ask her/him to test me for depression without her/him informing my parents. And there is no way I want to let them know. Maybe it’s an Asian culture or something, but I feel scared of what they think of me.

I’ve always been an outcast, especially in primary (aka elementary) school. It wasn’t only until Primary 5 (11 years old. IDK what year that is) that did I start finding a group to hang out with. I used to spend most of my time in the library reading. Yes I skipped going down to the canteen for food because I don’t have anyone to sit with. Then when I did have a group of ‘friends’, it wasn’t the type of friends mothers would want their children to hang out with. Was I being desperate? Perhaps so.

To be really honest, I didn’t want to post this, especially when some of my friends here know me in real life. Afraid of being judged? Well, Asia is rather conservative in this kind of sense. But I really have nowhere to ask for advice. My parents? Out of the question. My brother? He’s too addicted to being on the internet. My counsellors in school? They’ll definitely tell my parents.

I don’t want to be attention-seeking. There are two types of people in this world with depression, I feel. Bear in mind that this is only my personal thoughts, and in no way reflects the thought of the world.

1. People who make a big deal out of their depression and use it as an excuse for everything.
2. People who battle it silently.

You see, I have a friend who is type 1 (yes the same friend in Friends VS Kpop). She’s not really being very obvious but sometimes (okay, usually) goes, ‘I don’t want to do my homework. I have an episode’ (For people who don’t know, an episode is apparently a period of time where it just hits you hard and you don’t want to do anything. Well, at least according to her.) and uses it as an excuse to do almost everything and nothing.

I don’t want to do that. Sure it’s one thing to quietly tell my friends that I have depression, another to blatantly shout it out to the world and hide behind it.

I have no idea where this all came from. Actually, I do but that will be in another blog post because I hate really long blog posts myself.

So yeah. I’m really grateful to anyone who even bothered to take time off to read this. Rereading this, it makes me sound like a real drama queen and everything but I am not. I don’t even know where to go with this, but probably hoping there somewhere out there, someone will just simply listen to me.

Yeah, so I’m probably going to just keep it to myself and find ways to make myself happy. Am I being in denial? I don’t think so. But I don’t want to take meds so I’m going to have find ways.

Love y’all. Keep smiling. <3