being gone for so long, i don't even remember my old friends i made, and i'm sorry i haven't gotten time to get to make new ones.

i just feel...idk like i want to cry and tell the world "why me? why my family?"

i'll just get to the whole story. you don't have to read if you don't want to. i just feel really lonely right now and i don't feel like talking to my real friends because i feel all they would do is pity me.

it started in january this year. i had my first "seizure" one night while i was watching pinocchio with my sister. i suddenly couldn't breathe and out. i woke up in one or two minutes. since it was the first time something like this has ever happened to me, my parents brought me to the er. the doctors did lots of tests, but couldn't find anything so they just said it was probably due to stress and low blood pressure. it wasn't a huge issue, and i was free to go home after a couple of hours.

basically, the doctors said it wasn't a huge thing to worry about and said that teenage girls like me faint all the time.

i thought it was a one-time thing, so i didn't really bother with it.

then came september.

i was watching tv with my sister and mom and i suddenly felt that shortness of breath again. i tried to drink some water, but it didn't help. i out and ended up falling off the chair, hitting my head on the dresser, and my mom said my body was really stiff and that i was mumbling. this episode lasted about 5 minutes. since i was taking so long to come to, my mom called the paramedics (i live a couple blocks away from the hospital). when they arrived, i was conscious but really exhausted. i could barely open my eyes and they carried me downstairs and put me on the gurney. my mom said all the neighbors were outside, asking what was wrong.

once i arrived in the er, it took me about 2 hours to get back to normal and not feel so tired. the doctors did an ecg/ekg this time and found that qt interval was over 600. worried, they re-did it after a couple of hours and it dropped down to the 300s. then they recommended me to see the neurologist which i did. she didn't find anything wrong, but ordered an eeg and a mri scan for me to do. both of the tests turned out positive. i was off the hook for a month.

and then my cardiologist appointment came on thursday, november 12. they did another ekg and again, my qt interval was almost up to 600. (the normal time is less than 460 ms, and anything higher than 440/460 is abnormal. the cardiologist was super worried and told me to admit to the hospital. that's how i ended up hospitalized. it's been five days for me.

the doctors said i have long qt syndrome which is disorder of the heart's electrical activity. it takes longer for my heart to recover from a beat which is bad because it opens up the possibility of arrhythmias. they have started me on medication which will help control it and stop me from having fainting episodes. the reason i have to stay so long is because they're starting on a low dose and monitoring how my heart reacts to it and slowly getting the dosage higher. 

it is a genetic disorder, so the doctors recommended my whole family get tested for ekgs. my brother's turned out positive for long qt, so he was admitted to the hospital on saturday night. my sister's was at the borderline and my parents were normal.

i was with my dad when the doctors told us to admit my brother in, and i just saw how stressed he was. it was a lot to take in, and that meant that both of my parents had to stay with us, my sister being at my grandma's. sunday was normal, my aunt and great-aunt came to visit us as well as my sister. 

then today came. i was supposed to be discharged today, especially since i had good results during the stress test. however, the doctors post-poned my discharge because of another factor: my sister and my mom. the doctors felt it would be safer if my sister was admitted as well and both my parents got re-tested. my mom turned out positive this time.

i don't think i will ever forget the moment my dad walked into the room. he told me that my sister and my mom had to be admitted and started on the medication and he was crying. it was the first time i ever saw my dad really cry. i know it's a lot of stress on him. there's so many things to worry about. we have to get an aed in the house which is like $900, and now that my mom has it, she won't be able to drive alone. i don't know how things will turn out for my family. 

the doctors keep saying we're lucky we found out, which we are, but it's so much...bad news keep on piling up.

i haven't cried yet. i think the reason i haven't cried is because i'm still in shock. i still haven't felt the reality of this situation. but looking at my dad, i feel hopeless. there's nothing i can do to make it go away.

i think the only reason i'm not in a depressed state is because of kpop. i was very excited about bap's comeback and loved their mv. i have also been watching korean variety shows throughout the day (i.e. cool kiz on the block, we got married, running man). but take that away, i would be bawling my eyes out. 

my parents are coming right now with my sister. the transportation is rough. since the hospital is downtown, traffic is hectic and parking is nearly impossible. it takes over two hours to get here because of the traffic and i feel so bad for my parents to continue going back and forth.

i really need some good news today. thank you if you've read this far.

to cheer me up, to all the writers out there -- if you could write a rv seulgi x male idol one-shot for me, i will be eternally grateful. ( have been looking for fics of her to read, but sadly she doesn't have many :'( )