I am so angry, sad, depressed, unhappy, mad. I can't even write properly because of this! He's been bothering my mind for sometime now. And when I actually saw him, I didn't know what to do, say or how to react. I was ing stiff! But I couldn't help it! I felt so sad, so I tried avoiding him with all of me! You know what I did!? I never glanced his way when we were in the same place. And when I was done with my documents, I quickly left the scene just so I could ride a public transport, only to be stuck. And because I feared we'd see each other again, I walked away. And I saw him in front of me. He was so close... too damn close, yet, still so far. I literally followed him (not like I wanted, though) because there was no other way. I was ing relieved when I saw a turn, so I took that road, and just when I was so relieved about everything, I see him again! At that time, I wished I was just hit by the taxi or something... I crossed the road, hoping he didn't... but he did. He smiled and said hi. Asked if I had a job. I just nodded, and walked away from him. And I thought it was the end... I went to the hospital (where the waiting area for the public transport was), and to my surprise, he appeared again! I didn't waste anymore time and rode the jeepney that was in front of me (I didn't even care if I rode the wrong one, I knew I just needed to get away).

The experience was like... how do I explain this? Like my hand was controlled by someone else, stabbing me a few times, until I've had enough and stopped the hand from stabbing me again. But the pain is still there... The pain kept bothering me. The pain kept creeping in. Findind a way to hurt me, annoy me, make me feel vulnerable. Being in the same place as him was just as depressing as it used to be. I couldn't remember the last time I was truly happy when he talked to me. Everything about us was only pain. We weren't even together, for goodness' sake! And it's as if the pain wasn't enough, I decided to look at his profile for one last time. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it still does. And I am starting to doubt myself because I was so sure I am not in love with him anymore. Now, I can't even look at him and think about the memories we never had. The memories I wish I never did. The memories I wish I never experienced. The emotions I wish I never felt. I don't blame him for all these questions, though. I'm the one at fault. I was the one who assumed. I was the one who fell. I was the one that loved him dealy, and excessively. I was the one that cried for him, and cried over him. I was the one that chose to love him. I was the one that chose this for myself. I was the one that anticipated the "what-could-have-beens". I was the one that clearly was so whipped by him. He's not merciless, he's actually a kind person. Because from the very beginning, he told me the only thing he could offer is friendship. I refused to listen to him. And now, look at how pathetic I am.

How do I do this, then? I was so fine when we didn't see each other. Now, he just appeared in front of me, and suddenly messes up my system. Like it was meant for him to be that way. Like I am meant to be broken when it comes to him. Like I should get hurt when I see him. Like the universe was just waiting for this to happen. I even question my own emotions now. I used to believe that you can command your heart (or in this case, your hypothalamus). It used to work before, why didn't it work now?