Holy hahhahaha this is long. I don't know if you'll read the whole thing.

 

Okay, I just want to let this out now. You know, I have this circle of friends, I would really say that I’m happy with these people because whenever I’m with them, I am carefree, happy, energetic, and I’m always laughing. I love their company. I love them. 

 

But sometimes they are really really really getting on my nerves. AAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!! Fdasndsajdsasadsfndafnawfnsffskadnfvisodnfndaifndi aidnjf /sighs/ I just want to let it out, though that wasn’t enough. So let me put this ^ into words. You know the feeling that,, okay, it’s given that I’m the most intelligent in the group, we were 13 in the group. (ohh like seventeen) okay I should stop fangirling right now. Then, we were 13 in the group, and you know the feeling that it’s like you’re the only one who’s serious about something or you feel like you’re the only one doing the job. You’re the only one who’s always there for ALL of them, but they aren’t there for you always. You’re the only one who makes/feels them satisfied, and you’re not satisfied with their works at all!! You’re the only one who always has time for them, but they couldn’t totally give their time for you. Though this is okay because I know that there are reasons and our world is not only in our group. You’re the only one who give and give, but can’t take anything at all!! Though I’m talking about the satisfaction of them helping you throughout, not the happiness they give you. Because I should say that they make me happy, always.

 

Okay, this is the first time I experienced this and I should list it… it’s not that I’m listing the things I did for them, but you know, when you really are this disappointed, you can’t help but to compare especially when you did many things for them. Okay, let’s get on with the story. It was our finals in Design and yeah, our group (RK is the name of our group) was split into two since our professor required 5 members per group. The 3 people are in another section. The thing was the members I was with weren’t that good in the subject. I knew and understood that so I thought of our design. We had an overnight to make the finals, our professor required us to submit 3 paperworks (the floor plan, its elevation, and its section) and a scale model of that house. So what I did was I thought of the design of the house, in the first day of the overnight, I think I only slept for only 4 hours.

 

The next day, I did all of the paperworks in sketchpad, and of course, it would take me hours and hours to complete those three requirements. I think I completed the paperworks in sketchpad more than 12 hours but less than 24 hours… that’s I think, 1:30 in the afternoon until 10 in the morning, the damn thing was I was the only one who was awake in our group. Like WTF, it’s a group project… why am I the only one who’s doing a tough work?!!!! after doing the paperworks in sketchpad, I traced it to a tracing paper because our professor required us to do so. I did almost 2 tracing papers while I still had to plead and beg for my group members to ink the designs. That’s 4 in the afternoon or 5. And while they do the design, I went to start to do the slope/ground which we will place the scale model of the house. That was until 8 in the evening. Then I checked the other members doing the design and woah, they didn’t finish it. And I was like, okay what should I do now… I saw the blots in the paperworks and I think my professor won’t like that.

 

I was starting to get frustrated because I saw the other groups, (because we were 3 groups in the overnight) I saw the other groups helping each other doing the ground, while me… I was the only one who is cutting and cutting the styro and guess what, I’m a girl and we have 3 boys in the group. And I don’t know, maybe I felt I’m tired when I cut my finger. At my first cut, I didn’t say it to any of them, but two people of the other group saw what happened. But I acted like it was nothing so they also continued to do their own slope/ground. At my second cut, and that’s when my finger bled, I went to the bathroom after telling one of the members of our group to cut the ground/slope and I will do the paperworks again. i was holding back my tears when I was washing my wound. I was so damn tired and I can feel it, and really, I wanted to give up that time but I know that my groupmates depended on me. So I didn’t cry because I guess it was alright… but you know, it wasn’t.

 

I came back to the paperworks and I don’t know, I feel emotional whenever I feel alone. And I feel alone that time. And jealous at the same time. Because I saw the other two groups, one member is doing the perspective of the house, one member is inking the paperworks, and the rest is doing their own job except for one guy in their group… while in my group… yes yes, they work but you know, I felt like they are doing that just because I told them, and not for the group. It frustrated me because they can’t even volunteer or say ‘hey, what can I do for the group?’ ‘yo, you should rest for the mean time.’  Then that one member I cut his finger and ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!! Is he a gay or what?!!! I don’t know, he’s showing to people that ‘oh hey I got hurt, and I should stop doing that damn thing. Switch switch’ it’s like he’s showing that… urgh, you knw what I mean, right? well, I react like this because he hadn't done anything yet that day.

and because I think I’m already the leader in the group, and because I was the one who asked him to do it, I went to him and helped him rinse the wound because it just won’t stop bleeding. And the other members of our group asked him if he was alright and something like that. And that’s when I held back my tears, again. I kept on mumbling things and I think that one of my members noticed it. That member was the one who understands me, and he knew I’ve done many things. So he asked me what happened and I pushed him into a room where one of my members and his mother were asleep. And I didn’t know, I cried to him. He asked me what was wrong, I told him I was tired. So damn tired. I tried to tell him everything but I couldn’t speak and because I was afraid that the two who were sleeping would be awake. But then the mother of my classmate woke up and saw me crying, she knew what was happening so she said that I should sleep.. I couldn’t refuse her so I went beside them and lied on the bed… but I didn’t sleep because I kept on crying. I didn’t know what to think of that time. And I didn’t want the people outside to see or know that I was crying because I didn’t want them to think of me as another burden… I also knew they were tired, so I kept my mouth shut. But I was crying the whole time. I pitied myself because I did almost everything, I was tired. I pitied myself because I don’t know… did I let them abuse me? Hahhaha, I felt like I was abused and alone… and tired. And because of my sobs, the mother of my classmate woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told her everything while I was crying.

 

We talked for some minutes until two of my classmates went inside the room, my eyes were so puffed and red, and they saw me crying. I couldn’t remember if I told them not to tell the others, but I think they didn’t tell the others about it. As I fixed myself, I went back working because I knew the needed me there. And , the paperworks weren’t done yet. I let them do the paperworks for them mean time because the others were calling me about the slope/ground. Yes, they were depending on me. And what’s worse that time was my cellphone broke and I had to text my mom what happened. One of my close friends who was in other group told me to use her phone to text my mom since she was the one who broke it. Ahhaha, but I didn’t get mad since my phone was already old. I texted my mom and got really depressed because she didn’t want me to go to the overnight in the first place, I told her to just let me go since it’s the first time so she told me it was okay, but I should go home earlier. But that night, we knew we couldn’t finish it in three days so I asked for an extension. And I was already crying that time. We were outside the house and it’s already early in the morning… or mornight. I didn’t say anything to her, maybe she already knew the reason why.

 

Then I went back inside the house and did the paperworks. That mornight hahaha, I finished it. I was so glad and relieved. Then I saw one of the members of the other group working on the perspective and , another hell. But I didn’t do it that day instead, I slept for 5 hours.

the next day… our whole day was spent because of the slope. And I was kind’a frustrated because the materials wasn’t enough for us all. So what happened was they still had to go to a store to get the materials needed, again and again that’s why our time was spent with nothing but stupidity. And I didn’t know why but they still kept on depending on me to what should we color or do about the slope/ground… don’t they have common sense? Why are they always asking me? Even if I also don’t know what to do?!!!

 

Then that night, after the slope/ground, we worked on the scale model. I cut the scale model since I was the only one who knew the design… Why didn’t they know? Because they didn’t want to know anything about it, less responsibility. But their reason was… I couldn’t understand…. Should I say, then you shouldn’t have taken this course in the first place. Urhg orz. At first, I couldn’t  understand it either, but look! I found a way and learned about it!!! you should be willing to do it. just because you know that there is someone who can do the work, you could just be a potato in a corner. Life doesn’t work that way!!! it.

 

That afternoon, I asked them to do the scale model and I will do the roofing of the house, and hell, it was difficult!!! And it took me the whole afternoon to do only one roof. It took me 3 hours to do it. and look, they’ll just paint the house and they didn’t paint it properly. And they weren’t finished doing the windows and such. It was time to go home because it was already Sunday and we should submit it the next day… I saw the other group was already finished. And we… don’t have a proper scale model yet, we don’t have a perspective yet. And there I started to cry… but ended it sooner.

 

I went home and my mom saw that our scale model wasn’t finished yet. She asked me what happened, I told her my frustrations while finishing the scale model. She was very frustrated with my classmates… she scolded me and said, ‘look at what happened. I told you that nothing will happen with the overnight, right?... if you did all those things in those 5 days… then you should’ve taken the full responsibility of the finals instead of being with them who didn’t help you. What’s the point of your overnight when you did all those things alone? If you didn’t go there, you have us to help you wholly and do the things properly. We could do the scale model, and you’ll do the paperworks. Equal distribution of duties… and I’m telling you, you wouldn’t be able to finish that today.’ Well, that's true because my mother is an engineer and my sis and bro are also good in arts. So I also regretted it.

 

And she was right… my mom slept already but my sister stayed up late until 2 in the morning just to help me. When I saw what the time was already, I told my sister that she should sleep and I will too since the scale model was almost finished. I was already crying fixing my things but I hid it since my sister was helping me arranging it. I was in the bed already, and I was crying so hard, but I didn’t let them hear me since we sleep together. I pitied myself, WORSE FEELING EVER. I got frustrated at them and everything… it’s like I was abused, cheated… and because I knew that my family saw that I was tired and also, they pitied me. 

 

I woke up 7 in the morning because my classmate went in our house to bring the model to school. I didn’t ask my mom why she didn’t woke me up… she knew what I’ve been through. But then I went to school to defend the design, but then I wasn’t able to do it because I had to do the perspective of the house to be given the next day. But then, it was quite worth it because we got 81% for that.

 

What I realized is that, I don’t really get mad so much. I don’t know why but I felt like it’s not good or I feel uncomfortable when I’m mad at someone so I already forgive them and since they don’t know I got frustrated. They don’t have any idea I’m feeling this way… though they will know it sooner or later. I don't know if this is right or not? I've been feeling this way since high school and I thought that as long as things are alright, I won't make this feeling of mine be known by them, or else, a problem will rise. And I'm not that good in handling it. Woah woah, it'd make me feel better if you tell me some advice.

 

SORRY THIS IS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED