The world i want to live in

When I was little I wanted to be an influential person. I wanted to make the world a better place. I wanted to be that girl who could make a difference. I wanted people to hear my name or see my picture and think, "Wow, she made the world so much better." and I don't think i was wrong.

I've always tried to be happy and make others happy. but the older i get the more i realize how depressed i am and always was. i realized i don't want to be the girl who could make the difference. i don't want to be the one to make the world happy. it's too much work and everyone only blocks u out because when i want them to be happy, they only act like it's an illusion. if u want to be happy, listen, don't call us fake!

i dont want to be the girl to make a difference. im too sad myself. i want to be the one that lives in the happy world

why couldn't i be born at a different time or place? i luv my family, i really do. but... i don't know. why culdn't we be happier? i try to stay happy. but now it's hard. i've kept all my tears in all these years, but i've cried more this year than i had any other year, even the years someone i loved died.

sorry i meant for this to be short but it got long. don't read on

im scared. im scared of everything. i'm scared of dying. i've been scared of dying ever since i was a kid which is weird, but now im more scared.

im scared of losing people closest to me

im scared of my own generation. i feel like it's gotten dumber and the world is going towards disaster

im scared of the future. i don't know if i'll survive

im scared of failing

im scared that i'll be alone

im scared no one will accept me if i decide to do what i think will make me happy

i don't think happiness is an illusion. i just think that it's something i can't feel anymore. if it wasn't a cover up before it is now.

everyday i get so made i wish i could break all the windows in my house. i just wanna break something

and im so sad and scared i don't know what's becoming of my life. i used to sense the future. i used to have visions, even if they were insignificant. but now im numb

i heard somewhere that we should ask god for joy and not happiness because joy lasts longer. so im asking. because it's not in me anymore. im only wearing a mask now.

why can't i cry in front of my family even if they will understand? why can't i tell them how i feel even thought they already know? why can't i just burst into tears and sob as loud as i wish and nt have to cover my face and be ashamed of how ugly i look when i cry because they will know? why cant i be that way? they will understand won't they?

why am i so sad

why can't i still be that girl who's mission is to make everyone happy? i still feel it in my heart, but i just don't have the motive anymore

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mischievous_akmood #1 Nov 5, 2015 03:24:05

I'm sorry that I don't know how to help because even though I've been through something similar and I'm still going through it, I'm not very good at giving advice and I can't even help myself... but if you ever need to rant about anything or just talk, you can always pm me
I wouldn't say that I'm scared of all the things that you described above... well I am scared, but at the same time I'm not because sometimes I feel like there's just no point and everything's monotonous and life is just there and there's nothing to do with it. and then I sit there and my mind wanders off and I get sad just by thinking about the future and the present and sometimes the past because I don't know what's going to happen and there's nothing i can do about it... for me, it feels like I'm being weighted down by the potential I feel like I don't have and negative emotions I know I shouldn't be feeling because I feel like I don't deserve to think like that because things could be so much worse, but they aren't
I'm still trying to convince myself of this as well, but I know for sure that none of what you said above is true... yes, there's so many negative people and emotions and everything in general in this world, but there's also another side... I'm not gonna tell you to stay positive because I know that really doesn't help, but I promise that everything will turn out well in the end and that you won't fail and you will survive...
life seems empty a lot of the time, but it doesn't always feel like that. when you're feeling something besides emptiness and sadness or anything else that's negative, try thinking back to a time where you weren't thinking like that. it's different for everyone, but what works for me is imagining a character from one of my fics comforting me whenever I feel sad or upset, and it usually works for me because I think one of my biggest problems is loneliness, and I like imagining that there's somewhere there for me, and one day I want to believe that (cont)