Reviewed by -glsac at at S'IL VOUS PLAÎT | {review and read}

Attention Grabber: 4/10
(Title + Poster (if app) + Foreword + Description + First Chapter)

I’m not thoroughly won over by the attention grabber. Let’s try to look into it in finer detail:

Title:

Okay, before I start to talk about the title, can I ask you a question? Do you find that when you read the title, it feels odd. Like something is not right, or that it is just weird but you cannot put your finger why it sounds weird? If your answer is yes, then my friend, I feel the same way to.

I can see where you are trying to go with the unconventional positioning of the words (‘beast’ followed by ‘beauty’) and the use of ‘et’ instead of ‘and’ or ‘&’ or ‘n’, but in my opinion, this title sounds odd. I have an inkling that the reason why I find the title weird is because there isn’t any symmetry.

Do you know why the title “Beauty and the Beast” rolls so well off our tongue? I have two hypothesis, but one of them is because of the presence of a symmetry in the title! Imagine that the word ‘and’ is a divide. Do you realise that both sides of the ‘divide’ (i.e. ‘beauty’ and ‘the beast’) has two syllables? Have you heard about the research where it is said that us human have a tendency to find people with symmetrical face more beautiful? Well, I have a hunch that our brain just sees beauty in symmetry. Is there anything wrong grammatically with the title? My answer is, no! Do I have a problem with you using ‘et’ instead of ‘and’? Again, no! In fact, the initiative that I just shut down used ‘et’ too! (jupiter et mars).

What went wrong, I believe, was simply because the title acked the symmetry that our brain yearned to recognise. Because you omitted the word ‘the’ before ‘beast’, you destroyed the symmetry resulting in an odd sounding title.

Of course, symmetry is not the ONLY thing that makes title sound nicer. There are many other ways for you to approach the title. I think you just really need to play around with titles and see what works best, what sounds best. You may find it difficult to come up with an alternative title because of its current straightforward approach; Kangin as the beast (werewolf) and Sungmin as the beauty (human). However, if you challenge the story a little and try to find for new ways to address the title, there are definitely other titles available.

Poster:

Poster is well crafted! Good!

Description:

Description was short and sweet, but I have an issue with it… that is it doesn’t make sense? This I have consulted a friend and two for their opinions, and we are unable to point at exactly why it doesn’t make sense. After thinking for a while, I think I know what is wrong. I will try to explain it to the best of my ability. Here goes.

So, the first line of the description says: some wait a lifetime to find love. The thing though is that how do you wait and find something at the same time? When you say that somebody is waiting, it basically means that the person isn’t doing anything. So how can he be doing nothing and something both at the same time? A better statement would be either ‘some wait a lifetime for love to come’ or ‘some spend a lifetime waiting for love’ or ‘some spend a lifetime finding love’.

The second statement sounded vaguely better, so I shan’t touch on it.

Foreword:

Personally, I found the Foreword a little too long. I would highly discourage such length in the foreword. A foreword (under strict definitions) is a short piece of writing placed at the beginning of a book or other piece of literature (read: fanfictions). Content written in this portion may cover how the story came into being, how the idea for the book was developed, thanks and acknowledgements. Now I understand that this is a fanfiction and we tend to bend rules, however we still have to be reasonable when negotiating with the boundaries.

My position is simple. I feel that the foreword and description counts as ‘pre-story’. And just like how you won’t serve a sirloin steak for an appetiser, you shouldn’t be dishing out such well fleshed writing in the pre-story. Therefore, the foreword section should be clear and succinct.

Think of it this way. Considering how you have started this chapter with 1609 and how you have foreshadowed it, this piece probably have something to do with reincarnation. Later down in the story, this would definitely be of value. I mean, just look at it. It’s Kyuhyun killing Sungmin and Kangin being devastated and heartbroken. An important piece of a love story on reincarnation? Yes, without a doubt.

Now if you had not included this portion in full length and glory, when it reach the appropriate time, you can inject in flashbacks, you can hint about it, allude to it, even trick your readers about it. However, if you had explored this part of the story, the avenue to create drama out of it is essentially gone. Because now, you can’t trick your readers about ANYTHING. You can’t pull their leg or smoke a fact because they know the dynamic of your characters. Is it something that you want? Definitely not.

What could have been done is you could pluck the main points and create an obscure foreword that still serves its purpose. Consider this:

Hahaha. The last line is an interpretation of a phrase you used: a good werewolf is a dead one. Now you can don’t include that and use another quote. It’s fine. But what I want to point out to you is that notice how this is more mysterious (which fits your supernatural/werewolf genre). Also, while it covers the main point of your prologue (Kyuhyun’s disdain; Sungmin’s death; Kangin’s devotion), nothing much is revealed. Do you know what happened? No. Only that somebody has died. Who died? not a clue. Who killed him? not a clue. Who loved who? Not a clue.

It may seem scary that the answers for these questions are all ‘I do not know’. But the question is do they need to know all this information before the story even begins? Answer is most likely no. So why write such a prologue when it is not really needed? Hmmmm.

Also, this may be just me. But it took me three to four reads to properly get what you are trying to say. So you may want to look into the piece’s clarity.

Overall:

Overall, I would say that with the exception of the poster, none of the other components particularly impressed me. Furthermore, I personally felt a lack of appeal from the pre-story components and would not have given it a second look if it wasn’t a request.

Ease to Read: 8/20
(Grammar + Font choice + Flow)

Grammar:

Seeing how many proofreaders and beta readers on board your story, I didn’t really pay much attention on the grammar aspect of the story for I doubted that there would be any major grammar issues. Moreover, your writing doesn’t seem to suggest that you would have any grammar issues.

Font:

I felt that the font used was appropriate. I am also particularly happy that the layout is responsive. Because I am a mobile reader, nothing frustrates me more than an unresponsive layout. So good job on that!

Flow:

Flow-wise, I am rather hesitant about it. In my opinion, I felt that the story had pretty poor flow. It almost felt as if it was congested. The words did not flow as smooth as I had hoped it to flow, and some of the descriptions just felt… odd. I wished that I had a way to advise you, but really, flow is something that is intuitive and can vary from person to person.

Personally, I feel that why I had so much trouble reading through the chapters could be because of quite a few factor. All of which I don’t think I can spell it out and explain in detail why I wasn’t a fan of it. But if I can without losing tact, I will definitely attempt to do it.

First potential problem can be the number of words per sentence. I have noticed that you tend to have pretty long sentences (**average length per sentence is 9 words per sentence, refer to appendix one for a run down). Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with long sentences, especially if they’re constructed correctly. However, continuous use of long sentences may not be wise as it tend to give of the feel that it is draggy. Personally, I feel that long sentences should be an exception. Appearing only once in awhile. Majority of your sentences should be medium length.

Reading this, you probably would want me then to prescribe to you a specific number right? Unfortunately, I am unable to produce a number. Personally, I use the lines as a gauge. A long sentence would be 1.5 lines long. A medium length sentence would be approximately 0.5 lines long. And a short sentence would be anything below 0.5 lines. But of course, please do note that this how I measure my sentence length, and it’s not absolute.

The bottom line is not how to measure the length of sentences. Rather, the crux is that long sentences should not be a norm, but rather an exception.

Secondly, I find that some sentences are phrased a little awkwardly. It is not grammatically wrong, but when you read it, it does tend to sound a little weird. Again, because this is not a grammatical mistake, it is difficult to explain this bit. Thus, if you don’t mind, I would just pluck some examples and provide my suggestions san remarks. They can be found in appendix 2.

Thirdly, I have noticed is that your writing is very descriptive. I don’t mean it in the sense that you use a lot of adjectives (/adverbs). Rather, it seems like you are describing every little detail of the scene. I wouldn’t exactly say that the practice is wrong. However, it in excess isn’t good - even detrimental for your story.

From how I am reading, it feels like I am reading a transcript of what is playing out in your brain. Theoretically, it should work since you are painting out the picture that you are seeing. It flows when you visualises it, so it SHOULD flow when it is written out right?

Well… that’s hard to say.

By writing this way, you may result in redundant sentence. I identify redundant sentences by the lack of value (or insight) they provide to the story/scene. Let me take a few examples:

Those parts that I have highlighted in yellow is what I consider to be redundant. Notice how not much would change even if they were omitted. The reason is simple, it’s because to the reader, they just do not matter.

Yes, they may help to paint a picture, but they do not contribute to the setting of the stage. Adding them in is like adding more cooks - it spoils the broth, and you sure do not want that to happen. Hence, it is wise to evaluate each piece of description that you are about to add. Remember to do it purposefully.

Which means that before you go about adding it into your ‘broth’ look at it objectively and ask yourself how it would affect the piece. Would it add value to the piece? Would it shed new light on something already seen, or would it reveal something that is hidden? Would it enhance what is already there? If your answer to these questions are ‘no’, then the description is most likely a redundant one.

The final example that I would give is from the ‘prologue’ scene. This is also a form of redundancy, however it is unlike the two that I’ve shown before.

While writing in the third-person narrative does offer you room to insert in other characters thoughts, I would suggest that you keep it to the minimum. It would be of interest that you keep your focus singular and concentrate fleshing out the scene in the perspective of a single character.

Notice that with the highlighted portion removed, the paragraph (sans the highlighted bit) would have transitioned smoothly into the next paragraph.

Finally, I have noticed that the paragraphs are not very well formatted. Why I say so is because you have lumped the dialogues, narrations and thoughts  together, and that isn’t good because things can get really confusing.

Let me just pull an example from chapter 3:
 

This paragraph is hefty. Now if you have asked me to beta this paragraph, I would have never left it alone. Never. This is what I would have done.
 

Notice how the paragraphs are vastly shorter making it easy for you to read and scan through. Secondly, notice how each dialogues is started on a new paragraph. This is a writing convention and I highly recommend that you stick to this convention. It makes writing dialogues easier to read and understand.

Overall:

Although I cannot explain much about what did not work, I still stand by my opinion that this story felt really congested and posed a trouble completing. It was not the readability that affected the experience, but rather, it was just how the text was phrased. As writers, I think it is important to keep in mind that words are not meant to be used at our disposal. They should be used with style and purpose.

Reviewwed by Jaeger_104 at ℋeart, ℳind & ֆeoul Review Shop

STORY TITLE. 4/5

I can see the direction to where you're trying to take your title, but I don't exactly how it suitlines the storyline.

DESCRIPTION, FOREWORD & TAGS. 9/10.

I love your description, it's definitely pulls a reader in. Your foreword was a very nice flashback as well, giving a background without any context to make a reader curious. I would suggest in your characters section you make it so that their real name are in parentheses, since you're using real names. For example, instead of "Kangin" it would be "Kangin (Youngwoon)”, just so readers don't get confused because not everyone reading this story may know that much about Super Junior's members.

APPEARANCE: GRAPHICS. 5/5, DISPLAY. 5/5

Your have a nice theme, it's gothic and romantic which I think suits it very well. The poster shows some major aspects in the story, like the red roses, which I found to be very neat. It's a really poster as well your layout, good job :).

CHARACTERISATION. 8/10

I really like all your characters. Sungmin had very nice development and for the most part everything was consistent. However, I found Sungmin was rather quick to go and try to befriend. Youngwoon does put quite an emphasis when he describes Sungmin's aura, and how it was so dark before with loneliness, so I would have expected a bit more.

PLOT. 20/20 

Stellar job on getting a perfect score. You always provided information for everything, which is very important with supernatural themes as they are complete fiction. There were no gaps that weren't explained, and the supernatural world you created was incredibly thought out. It almost reminds of how the human world is, but instead of races it's more dealing with species. How all of them started out hating each other, then slowly learning to be able to accept and help one another, they are even forming alliances and negotiations. Incredibly impressive. For the actual plot of the story, I was still in love with it completely, it's not over dramatic with rivals and love triangles and war. They could have passed as humans struggling with their love life (minus the whole 'reincarnation' and seeing each other in different life times of course). It's tragic, but not over the top, there some very bittersweet moments, which personally are some of my favorite because it's not so cloying or tear-pulling, but it still makes your stomach hurt yet a smile creep on your face. I'm rambling, I'm sorry.

CONSISTENCY/FLOW. 10/10

I admit, you have a ton of story for just eleven chapters. However, I estimate there is on average over 3000 words per chapter. Overall, you can tell everything is happening over periods of time, good job.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING & PUNCTUATION. 12/15

There's a part you repeated in chapter four by accident, when they're talking about the well. You accidentally placed it in the second break and the fourth break. The grammar is good, punctuation, I'd like you to read through and look for transitional phrases, there should be a comma after each one. I want you to look more into the structures of the sentences. Several of them are very lengthy, try using comma to space it out, cut words to make the sentence sharper, or just change it.

STRUCTURE. 5/5

Good paragraphs, I don't know what else to say...

READERS' RESPONSE. 3/5

Subs: 89
Upvotes: 25 +1
Comments: 38
Views: 6089

YOU DESERVE LIKE A MILLION BAZILLION UPVOTES JUST SAYING! Luckily you have a lot of views, I really I could upvote more than once... As for comments, I read every single one of them. You are incredible, taking the time to converse with your readers and by your conversation with Gyaaaa, you take care of them.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT. 10/10


Love love love love love love love love love love love love love soooooo much. I don't think I put enough love's in that... I love it more that Kai or Onew's love for chicken. Taehyung, Baekhyun or Daehyun's love for eyeliner. Siwon's love of derp and horses. MORE THAN YOUNGWOON LOVES SUNGMIN!!!!

Reviewed by AAA-Agent-0721 Asianfanfics Anonymous Agency

TITLE (7/10)
       In the application, you told me to not pay attention to the correlation with Beauty and the Beast, which I think made it a much easier read than constantly comparing it as a spin-off. You also implied that there was a meaning behind this title, but honestly I did not find it. Youngwoon was the beast/werewolf, but the beauty part lost me with Sungmin. Though he may be handsome, it was not an emphasized factor in his personality. Maybe his later role as a Hunter could be an alternative? However, it still does draw attention from the beginning because it sounds like the original fairytale but it’s different as well. If you were to change the title, I think Black Rose would also be neat because it had a significant meaning in the story. 

FOREWORD & DESCRIPTION (8/15)
       First, I like your layout as it gave off a very medieval kind of aura but showed that you had put work into this story. I’m very impressed at how you’ve revised it so much and have had so many reviews. It shows your hard work at improving stories a lot! The first time I looked at your foreword, I was a bit overwhelmed. The font is too big for me and the whole foreword does seem a bit long and cliche. When I read the description after reading the story, it instantly makes a lot more sense after reading the whole story especially the lines: Some wait a lifetime to find love. Others wait for the next to live it. I think it does imply a bit of foreshadowing to draw the reader in, but doesn’t give away too much either.
      For the foreword, because you’re using Sungmin’s name, it’s pretty confusing when you start the first chapter and read about Sungmin. Because I was trying to fit the foreword into the modern day, at first it was hard for me to understand why Sungmin didn’t know this wolf was when he had saved it and etc. I’d say to use ‘he’ instead of Sungmin in the foreword so that the identity is mysterious, but reveals itself through the story. However, either way it adds a good amount of suspense and curiosity into your story which is to be applauded.

CHARACTERIZATION (20/20)
      You didn’t have many characters in your story, which makes it easier to bring out the two main character’s emotions and thoughts. In the last few chapters, though, there is an overwhelming amount of introductions which makes it feel a bit rushed. However, by the end of the story, I could see how Sungmin’s character development had changed over the story because of Youngwoon. Youngwoon personality was mellow and gentle which contrasted nicely of Sungmin’s, maybe, naivety in the beginning? It was sort of funny in the end where Sungmin was the older one instead of Youngwoon being like 400 years older.

PLOT (28/30)

    I really enjoyed in your story how everything, from beginning to end, tied together. There were no inconsistencies I caught and, as a whole, the plot is very appealing. It’s simple in a way, with a werewolf x human plot, but also the backstory of Youngwoon past gives it an extra spice. I also thought you ended it very nicely by not making them together instantly, but having a bit of hardship until they were able to be together. That said, I did think there could have been more scenes between the time that Youngwoon became a werewolf and found out who Sungmin really was and them ending up together. I thought the last chapter could’ve been split into two to make it very thorough and tied up. Still, it was satisfying end for me as a reader.

FLOW (8/10)
     I’ve mentioned this in some other categories, but at times your story seemed rushed. For example, while Sungmin was training, I thought it would be nice to have maybe a chapter from his view of how life was for him, who he met, etc. I’d like to see a bit more of action scenes to balance out with how descriptive it was. What’s good is that I was never confused about what was happening :)

WRITING STYLE (5/5)

      There were very few mistakes in grammar in your story, which makes it much, much easier for readers when going through your story. Occasionally, there were compound sentences with no comma that were confusing. Also, there are a lot of sentences that could be combined to move the story along and give variety to sentence structure. If you wanted to improve your story even more, just adding in a more advanced vocabulary could really help with imagery or tone. Apart from dialogue, I would stay away from words like ‘really’, ‘just’, or ‘like’.

GRAPHIC (3/5)

      I’m not a graphic designer, so I will give my review in this category based on a first impression. It sort of looks cheesy, as if no effort was put in except to add a png of a sword and few roses here and there. There’s no author, characters, quote to bring interest for the reader when they’re just browsing through. I think this is unfair, seeing that you have put in a lot of work for this fic based on the four editions it has gone through. It definitely ties in though, with the Black Rose sword and roses. There’s no implication of a beast or werewolf except for the title, though. I think it’d be good for you to get a new graphic for this story ^-^ (*cough* our Agency *cough*)

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (5/5)
   In conclusion, I enjoyed this story a lot more than I thought I would. There was romance, action, a bit of fluff and angst - genres that have to be balanced well in order to create a beautiful story which you did. I could clearly see the chapters in my head, showing that the descriptions you wrote paid off and the ending was very well thought out as well. I look forward to reading your upcoming stories :D

Request Done By: D-Wooji

☨Title [ 12/15 ]
The title was not very catchy nor would it be a lousy title. When I first saw the title, I suddenly thought of the movie 'Beauty and the Beast'. And you even mad the 'and' word into french, it was catchy, to be honest, but not totally.
☦Originality/Creativity
I don't think we can count this title in originality because I'm suspicious that this title was inspired by the movie. But you did changed changed a small details. And it was creative. It was creative because of the fact that you changed the title into something that actually relates to the movie but not exactly the same.
☦Relevance/Importance
The title seems to be in tact with the story's theme and plot, which is really important because you would mislead people into reading something that doesn't really compliment the other. In short, we should always make title according to the plot or we should make title according to the plot or vice-versa.
☦Impact on readers and the story
It might grab some attention to readers but not completely. The impact of the title to the story was great and it was indeed made carefully.

☨Plot [ 18/20 ]

The beginning of the story is straightforward. There were no flashback of Sungmin's life. There might be, but it was just about how he was the number one thief in Seoul. Kind of clichè, to be honest. I didn't have my hopes too high nor didn't have an interest in reading. Being clicè doesn't have any problems at all , you just have to make a twist, which you did. I liked how it started. It has the 'This is destiny' feeling in it. And I loved how you did a great job in describing everything Sungmin & Youngwoon, touches, walked, tasted, saw, and such, very well and tense. You played the sentences into deep ones and light ones which is great because it would be boring if you stick in one method. And as it continues, adrenaline rushes through me and my brain's telling me not to stop reading.

☦Narration
We don't have any problems with how you write your story in your own way. It gives me a vibe that you're a story-teller.
☦Layout (Flow, easy to read and view, neat etc.)
The Layout came out quite okay. Despite the fact that it made me tad a bit dizzy but doesn't male it any worse at all.
☦Creativity
The plot seems to have specks of the movie, Beauty ans the Beast. Especially the 'roses' part. It made me remember the movie which was quite nostalgic.
☦Relevance to the story
The description tells us evertthing in summarization which was quite relevant.

☨Characters [ 13/15 ]
The character's personality isn't written in the story but rather it was revealed through the course of their actions. Which isn't a problem, at all.
☦Character Introduction
Like what I said earlier, the characters characteristics wasn't revealed through written clues but rather it was showed through the course of their actions the characters wasn't really introduced in a way that we'll know or predict what's their next action. Which isn't a problem since it was revealed through the story. I think that you focused on the character's development.
☦Character Development
The character's development throughout the story was splendid. Like how Sungmin's dislike for attachment became all the way around. And how Youngwoon came out from his deep, sunken world to the real world. Maybe fast but not too rushed.

☦Presentation
Like what I said earlier, the character's actions was not quite predicted due to the lack of introduction. But it's already fine, I guess. The story is already great without those small details.
☦Diversity
Each character has its own different characteristics. They're actions was not random.

☨Narrative elements [ 18/20 ]
☦Narration (Point of view [first person, third person, "you"], Character views, etc.)
The best part of your work was the narration. As if I'm listening to a storyteller. It was easy to understand with sentences which are playing between deep ones and light ones.
☦Delivery (The flow of the whole/consistency throughout story, etc.)
It's one of those fast-paced stories. It was fast but it wasn't rushed. Even the flow was going smoothly.
☦Settings
The settings kind of reminds me of the movie [ Beauty and the Beast ]. We don't have any problems here since the settings was described well
☦Structure of Sentences
Each sentence varies from light & short and the deep & intense sentences. Minor flaws [ the typos ] but still understandable.
☦Method of Writing
Clean&Understandable. Plays between deep sentences and light sentences. Because if you didn't, it would be boring.
☦Words Formation
The problem here is the typos like how you spelled 'bury' to 'burry'. But they're small details, you shouldn't mind it at all.
☦Grammar and Spelling
We don't have any problems at grammar and spelling. Well except for some typos.

☨Plot & Theme [ 18/20 ]
☦Depth of the theme(s) (multiple themes?etc.)
The theme of the story was mainly focused on the main theme which came out.
☦Delivery of the theme(s) [Whether you made the point clear]
It was delivered well and nice. It focuses on the theme and the flow was smooth.
☦Clarity and flow of the plot
It was clear, understandable and easy-to-read. And it was going smoothly chapter by chapter. Like how Sunji warms up to Youngwoon.
☦Originality of the plot (creativity, effective us of plot twist)
I still have my doubts that this story is an inspired story about the movie[ Beauty and the beast]. I'm nit saying that it's an exact copy of it because the story has a twist and even from the start, it wasn't the storyline of the movie[ Beauty and the beast ].

☨Entertainment [10/10]
☨The reviewer's enjoyment (reader enjoyment)
My hopes wasn't high when I first saw the foreword. Like, ' oh, another wolf crap story.'. But I was taken back of what I said when I finished it. Even the last chapter "legend" was amazing. The fact that the legend continues:D
☨Overfeel, excitement, emotion
I felt happy [ the time when they kissed], sad[ when Sungmin left because of some misunderstanding], and such.

☨Overall[ 89/100]

I hope I helped you^^. And please, make more wonderful stories. Keep it up^^
©D-Wooji

Reviewed by Koni-fox at TO THE POINT ✘ : A REVIEW SHOP

【 Title &Description : 4/5 】 The title was fine, though perhaps gave too much away about your story. Nothing inherently wrong with it. I did love your forward, though. It was so abrupt that I felt the need to hurry up and read the story just to figure out what the forward was about, so great job on that. It also gives us a sneak peek into Kangin’s motivation behind some of his earlier actions. This is also one of the few layouts that didn’t look dumb or hurt my eyes. I generally don’t grade on story appearance, but I’m grateful your formatting did not detract from my reading experience.

【 Plot: 11/15 】Your plot was overall pretty predictable and the overall premise was very common, but that doesn’t mean your plot was bad. On the contrary, I think you told a great story here, and you shouldn’t be counted down for using a popular genre. It’s why it’s a genre in the first place. The red roses/werewolf thing was a little cheesy, and it has a strong Beauty and the Beast vibe but it didn’t really detract from the plot.

【 Flow: 15/20 】Your story flows rather well, but it does get a bit rushed after the halfway mark. I’ll not delve into some of the grammar issues, since that’s its own section, but sometimes I fell your writing style in general was a bit awkward. Sometimes you added sentences that didn’t need to be there, as if you were trying to justify you and your characters to the readers. I know that may sound confusing, but hopefully you get my meaning. A lot of this stuff is difficult to quantify and comes with experience. Writing style as a term is very broad and very vague, but for good reason. It’s difficult to define. The only way to really improve it is to continue writing, and read. Read stories you admire, or even just ones with literary merit just to get a feel for how various other authors structure their words, sentences, and plots.

【 Characters: 18/20 】The only real complaint I have about your characterization was that you painted Sungmin to be such a hard, cold character, that I was a little thrown off by how quickly he was smitten with Kangin. It’s rather minor, and other than that, I really enjoyed your characterizations.

【 Grammar: 10/15 】Thank you so very much for not starting a new paragraph for every other sentence. Just had to get that off my chest, sorry. You do have some grammar problems throughout the story, mostly with fragments and use/misuse of commas. Here’s an example: “When he reached the end of town to the north. He saw a long path to the famous Lee mansion.” That first sentence is a fragment. Just combine them with a comma. Here’s the other side of the problem: “The abandoned house was a smudge into the horizon, beyond that were the woods.” I would change it to something like: “The abandoned house was just a smudge on the horizon, and beyond it were the woods.” You also have some consistent subject/verb tense agreement issues, as well as improperly pluralized words. Every once in a while I found some improperly used prepositions, as well. I feel you could probably mend those with another round of proof reading or a beta reader. Some of these grammar errors were jarring and threw off the flow of your story.

【 vocabulary : 7/10 】 Overall, I was pleased with your vocabulary. You didn’t use unnecessary synonyms or try too hard to use longer words. I would watch out for needlessly repeated words, however. I know I sound contradictory, but here’s an example:

"You can stay," The werewolf said in reply as he walked closer. He stopped just a breath away from Sungmin. "As long as you don’t go out at night. As long as you do not touch my red roses. You can stay for as long as you need," The beast added before cradling Sungmin’s face with his nearly human hand, careful not to hurt Sungmin. "You can stay." He added and Sungmin could swear there was sorrow in those golden eyes. Some kind of pain that made the beast seem a little less scary. Sungmin didn't know if it was his imagination that the tone used seemed broken as if it carried deception.

The beast walked away, crossing the yard as he slowly transformed from beast to completely human form.

"I’ll show you a room you can stay." He said as he reached the door. He looked back over his shoulder. Sungmin gulped, still filled with fear, and fearing for his life he moved. It felt like his body was moving on its own. He walked to the werewolf and let the man guide him through the dark corridors and into a room that only had a bed, a wardrobe and a table, clearly a service room.

The second and fourth ‘stay’s can probably be eliminated and make the passage sound a little less awkward. The last one can probably just be “I’ll show you to a room”, and the second one could be “remain here” or something else, but that one isn’t quite as awkward as the last one. Overall

【Overall : 9/10 】 Other than the accelerated pace of the story near the end, I thought the story was pretty well balanced.

【Personal enjoyrment: 4/5】Not much for me to say here that I haven’t already. I enjoyed the story, and I loved the ending and epilogue. Good work. 

Bonus: +10 

I have not caught whiff of this ship since ‘U’. Despite being a dirty KangTeuk fangirl, I really appreciated how you characterized these two, avoided the usual clichés for them, and made this story your own. I would give you 1000 bonus points for writing about Super Junior in the first place, but I’m pretty sure I’d get fired, so I’ll give you 10.

【Total 88/100】

*☆*The New Library*☆* REVIEW SHOP
reviewed by Amber_Sica

Title: 9/10
I really love your title. It shows first off that your story is to be a play on Beauty and the Beast, and yet it already gives the idea that your story is going to be very unique. Really, my only issue with the title is that at first glance it looks like 'Beast EAT Beauty' and that would be a drastically different story lol.

Plot: 31/35

                4/5: Originality
               Well, honestly since it is a spin off of Beauty and the Beast, I do have to take off a point for this category. Other than that, though, I absolutely loved how you twisted the story and combined other elements into it to make it totally yours. This is such an original piece and easily the best Beauty/Beast rendition I've ever read.

                8/10: Believability
                There were some things that stretched the imagination, such as the whole Sungmin choosing to stay at that place, but those were needed for the storyline and so I thought that they definitely had a place in the story. I think my biggest problem with the believability came when he learned how he not only shared a name but a face with his old soul self; I think it would be more believable to have a different name for the old one. However, once again, I understand why they share the name/resemblence and so as it is, a bit unbelievable or not, I loved it.

                10/10: Narration
                I loved your narration style.

                9/10: Setting
                The setting was great, from the description of the rooms and the garden and town to the color that Sungmin dyed his hair. LOL. Actually I would leave that out unless there was a specific reason that will pop up later? Because otherwise it just seems random and I kind of wondered why it was there. The way you described the wolves and the effect of silver, though, made me so happy. I really enjoyed that! And also the whole spirit-ghost-soul thing, that was sheer brilliance.

Characterization: 35/35

                10/10: Development
                I really loved how they developed. The way that Sungmin went from being afraid and self-focused, only wanting to think of himself and the way that he kept reminding himself to not get attached... that was lovely. Youngwoon was as well, I really enjoyed the way that you had him go from longing to avoiding and then finally falling. He felt like such a real character.

                5/5: Presentation
                Again, the way you presented them was great. You not only described them physically, but you presented their personalities beautifully.

                10/10: Diversity
                Both of the characters were so different from one another, everything from how the acted to how they think and respond.

                10/10: Purpose
                And each of them had their own purpose in the story. I especially loved that you did not add in every single member of Super Junior, when honestly, a lot of authors would. It was nice to have the story simply focus on the ones who were necessary for the plot itself. I loved that! My one question: what ever happened the the people chasing Min and why didn't they show up in the story?

Writing Style: 0/20  

                0/10: Spelling/Grammar

                0/5: Consistency

                0/5: Flow

TOTAL: 75/80

Honestly, as I told you in the PM, there was so little I could nitpick about this story. Since you asked for no feedback on the writing style, I feel like there is no advice I can give! So I at least hope that this review helps you find drive and encourages you. =)  Best of luck!
Amber_Sica

Reading is Beautiful

Reviewed by ikontrashed

Total Score: 84/100

Title (6/10)

I know that this title really suits half the plot of the fic (which was Youngwoon) however I don't see much emphasis given on Sungmin as the beauty. Also it was neither exciting nor interesting, with an overly used title like this. It was a reverse of Beauty and the Beast. And then there’s the mixture of “et” the French translation of and. It kind of made the fic pretentious; to be honest it was off putting. The title could be considered as a weak point of this promising fic, sad to say.

It is neither unique nor fresh, considering that this isn’t a normal fairytale story; I suggest a revamp of the title. Connect to your audience and offer them something to catch on.

Foreword (10/10)

The foreword was superb, I was hooked the instance I read the description and more so with the excerpt. I was hanging over a thread over this foreword. It could be said that it made me excited about the whole idea of the fic. It somehow did reveal too much of the story but also too little in its own unique way. But all in all, it was in the right amount of teasing and provoking a reader to read on. It was a great snippet that left me wanting for more. Two thumbs up for tha

Your layout was just great; it wasn’t messy or over the top and it totally suits the whole genre of the story. You see, sticking to conventional forewords are great but finding the right color, layout and background for your fic is just pure talent. I am at awe with this foreword, thus the perfect ten *winks*.

Plot (35/35)

The plot was superb. I can’t say this enough, this was one beautiful plot. Elaborate and heart-tugging that it created a certain bond with me. I also did notice a few clichéd points but nothing that you haven’t salvaged through the connection that you made between your story and your readers.

The flow and the development of the story were slow but it was the charm of the whole plot. The slow build up of tension and love was charming to say the least. It gave your readers something to hang unto. The constant questions that were left and the answers that were given the next chapter was definitely a combination of just the right push and pull.

I’d also like to note that you have a great writing style, the way your descriptions have created vivid imagery and how you conveyed feelings and emotions were really great.

Just a food for thought, there are actual paragraphs that can be separated. There were certain jumps on the descriptions that should and could have started another paragraph.

I have a lot of feels for this story because I can say that this plot was unique and original in its own beautiful way. It was flawless and I am really happy that I am sending you love for all the twists and turns that this plot took.

Characters (17/20)

Sungmin’s character on the first chapter, although built up as a thief running away from his old boss, the fact that he accepted to live under the roof of a werewolf Youngwoon was a bit off. However you have explained the fear of humans and the desperation of an individual elaborately that I have come to understand such decisions.

But all in all I’d say you pretty much gave justice to your characters, the sudden appearance of other wolves and Kyuhyun was a great addition despite the feeling of being rushed and squeezed into the picture. Kyuhyun’s character could have been explained and explored more clearly.

Also a little more of the second young master and Sungmin from the past could have added a spice to the whole story but pretty much, it was all great.

I also would like to commend you for a job well done on the character development of Youngwoon and Sungmin as a pair and Sungmin (present) as an individual and how he managed to create a better future for him.

However Sungmin’s life under training could have shed a light towards these changes only if a chapter or half a chapter was explored towards Sungmin after he left Youngwoon.

Grammar (13/20)

This I’d give a much more detailed review since I have found quite a lot of error grammatically and spelling wise. Your story was great but this somehow ruined it for me.

There are a lot of grammatical errors in every chapter, when I’m about to or really into the story I would notice such and it kind of breaks the flow for me. There’s also the interchanges of some words are really distracting. There were also parts where you used the wrong words, like for example own when it was supposed to be owe, and brick when it supposed to be brink. I can reiterate that strong word choices are sometimes the make or break of a story

There are also a few over used phrases and words but nothing that cannot be overlooked, I just thought I’d let you know. There were phrases that used the same phrase you used to start a new sentence or a paragraph, it is not entirely wrong but it does not sit still with readers, if I could say so much.

Also your sentence structure was a bit sloppy considering that I had to rephrase parts of it to get a clear grasp of what you’re trying to relay.

For now, I have a few points that need to be addressed in your fanfic, the following are spotted mistakes of both grammar, word interchange, spelling, and word use. Please refer to the examples below; these are excerpts from your first three chapters. Those enclosed in the parenthesis should be removed and the words highlighted in red are corrections I made.

What good (it would) would it do...

the dream he (had) just had

from a trip (to a) from (bigger) another city.

its friend to (be) come back

nobody dared to enter the woods

Legends should (be all) all be in past tense

"I’ll show you (to) a room where you can stay."

took (in) a deep breath and (lay) laid down on the bed

Merge sentences so as not to be redundant

Sungmin took in a deep breath and lay down on the bed. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm his still racing heart.

Instead: Sungmin took a deep breath as he tried to calm his racing heart and laid down on the bed, (add more descriptions of Sungmin’s feelings)

 me I (own) owe him an...

I never really got the hang on this sentence, please check:

...and fake he believed everything. 

Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

You have really good story telling techniques however as discussed earlier, your grammar needs some work. Your descriptions were superb, I will not deny you of your talent, and you are a great author at that. The plot was magnificent and so was the character development. I have enjoyed this immensely more than any of the other supernatural fics that I have read and I wished and wanted to get you featured on the first page for that. However judging objectively, you still need to work on this a little bit more.

I hope this review serves you well. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful fic.

 

Enchanting Tales - A Review And Advertising Shop

 

 

Reviewed by Purplewallflwer ·

 

TITLE : 10/10

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE, SO FULL POINT FOR CREATIVITY. (AND I CAN SEE THAT YOU REVERSE THE POSITION FOR THE BEAUTY AND BEAST TOO, CREATIVE.)

 

DESCRIPTION: 7/10

THE FIRST LINE IS GOOD, BUT THE SECOND LINE SOUNDS ODD AND I HAVE TO PONDER FOR A BIT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SOUND FITTING.

"SOME WAIT FOR THE NEXT LIFETIME TO LIVE IT."

HOW ABOUT "BUT NOT EVERYONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO LIVE LOVE EVERY LIFETIME SO THEY EEP WAITING FOR THE NEXT." A BIT LONGER, BUT IT MAKES MORE SENSE, NOT?

PLOT: 10/10

I LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU TAKE A FAIRYTALE STORY AND ADD A FEW TWISTS HERE AND THERE. LIKE THE WEREWOLF, THE LEGENDS, AND THE REINCARNATION, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. YOU DID A BRILLIANT JOB AND I HONESTLY COULDN'T FIND ANY FLAWS OTHER THAN SOMETIMES THERE ARE SOME UNECESSARY PART YOU CAN CUT OFF. BEING DETAILED IS GOOD, BUT NOT EVERYONE PREFERS READING THROUGH EVERY LONG DESCRIPTIVE CONVERSATION. AND I LIKE THE BIT OF PLOT TWIST AT THE END WHERE YOU REVEALED KYUHYUN WAS THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY KILLED THE 'PAST SUNGMIN'. FANTASY STORIES ARE DIFFICULT TO WRITE, BUT YOU NAILED IT. SO, CONGRATS. 

CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT: 20/20

I LOVE HOW YOU GIVE REASONS FOR EVERY ACTIONS THEY TAKE AND NOT JUST A RANDOM 'THROW IT IN AND SEES IF IT FITS'. THE CHARACTERS ARE ALSO ALIVE IN MY MIND AND I CAN IMAGINE THEM VIVIDLY. THE REINCARNATION IDEA WAS COOL, AND I LOVE HOW YOU DIFFERENTIATE THEM AS 'THE PAST SUNGMIN' AND 'THE PRESENT SUNGMIN' AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE THEIR OWN PERSON. AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SUNGMIN WAAS A THIEF IS ALSO A BONUS POINT BECAUSE NO ONE IS PERFECT. THE REASON SUNGMIN CAME BACL FOR KYUHYUN ALSO PROVED HE IS FLAWED, AND A CHARACTER LIKE YONGWOON WHO WAS LOYAL AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE BALANCED THAT OUT, SHOWING NO RELATIONSHIP IS AS PERFECT AS FAIRYTALE. NO MARKS CUT BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR CHARACTERS UNDER CONTROL. 

PLOT DEVELOPMENT: 18/20

THE FLOW IS CONSISTENT AND YOU DON'T RUSH INTO THINGS. BUT AS I SAID, THERE'S SOME UNNECESSARY PARTS YOU CAN CUT OFF BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THERE'S A LOT OF DESCRIPTIONS AND NOT A LOT OF ACTIONS IN EACH CHAPTER AND I WAS STRUGGLING TO READ ALL IN ONE GO. 

 

GRAMMARS: 16/20

THERE'S MINOR GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES JUST FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER. THE MISTAKES ARE SMALL BUT FREQUENT SO PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU PROOFREAD PROPERLY. BUT BASED ON LANGUAGE AND VOCABULARY, EVERYTHING IS ON POINT. 

PERSONAL ENJOYMENT: 9/10

I CONTEMPLATED A LOT WHEN SHOULD I START READING BECAUSE THE CHAPTERS ARE SO LONG AND THE LAYOUT MAKES IT HARDER TO READ, THUS THE LATE UPDATE(SORRY). BUT THE STORY WAS ENJOYABLE AND I CAN SEE YOU PUT A LOT OF EFFORT IN IT. THOUGH, TRUTH BE TOLD, THE ENDING DISAPPOINTS ME A LITTLE BECAUSE I WOULD WANT TO KNOW MORE. BUT IT'S GOOD AS YOU KEEP THE ENDING OPEN FOR SUGGESTIONS. GREAT STORY, OVERALL. I DON'T SEE MANY ERRORS ASIDE FROM GRAMMARS AND A BIT OF SPELLINGS, AND IT'S VERY WELL WRITTEN. YOUR STORY DESERVES MORE RECOGNITION. :)

TOTAL: 90/100

CLICK ON THE POSTER FOR THE STORYLINK. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING THIS SHOP AND I HOPE I HELPED WITH YOUR WRITING. PLEASE CREDIT US. 

CONGRATS! YOU RECEIVED AN ADVERTISEMENT ON OUR SHOP.

 

---

Rover Review Shop

Reviewed by: lilyemc

 

 

› Title [ 2/5 ]

Beasts, beauties, and werewolves, oh my! This title contains two images frequently juxtaposed against one another. There’s nothing wrong with falling into cliches*. But a reader will want something more than expected if you’re going to keep their interest in this story. Perhaps a storyline that challenges what’s beastly and what’s beautiful? Flips the norms upside down and delves into these concepts until their insides are their outs. 

 

(*A phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.)

 

After reading through the story, however, this wasn’t the case. Beauty refers to Sungmin and Beast refers to Youngwoon. The title, while it makes common sense, doesn’t address the issue of two Sungmins presented in the story. Incorporating this aspect into your title could earn it a degree of uniqueness — lost between similar ideas. “Beast et Thief” or “The Thief & The Beast” are awful examples but are liable stand out more in the crowd of AFF.

 

 

› Description and Foreword [ 5/10 ]

My interpretation of the description is “some people wait forever before finding love, while others only find love in their next reincarnation.” The understanding of those two simple phrases took some doing — I’m still not quite sure about it.

 

According to the first sentence, the second reads “Some [people] wait for the next lifetime to live [love].” What does this mean? If you mean “Some [people] wait for the next lifetime to live [life],” then this has no correlation to the preceding sentence. The description is vague in the larger concept it’s trying to convey. If I weren’t forced to pay attention to it as a reviewer, then I would gloss over it completely.

 

The foreword is a doozy. Appropriate length isn’t the issue. Saying nothing new is. 483 words are dedicated to Sungmin’s 1609 death scene. I challenge you to write it in 250 or less. It may be easier than you think (refer to the flow section). The description’s lack of clarity couldn’t pull me in, and the foreword lost me in its dragging, deathbed confession cliche.

 

Here are two possible ways to freshen up this accidental murder: 1) express Youngwoon’s intense dejection at the moment of impact between Sungmin and bullet; 2) rewrite the scene from the hunter’s perspective from start to finish). In the former case, Youngwoon’s immediate shock can rip through your readers like a gunshot. In the latter, an outsider’s perspective can marvel at the love he destroyed (while also bringing up Kyuhyun, who becomes the character who closes the story!). 

 

Focus on making your — naturally attractive — content specific to your story. Avoid vague statements and overused cliches and you’ll wade through fellow beasts and beauties on AFF. Consider putting “romance” into your tags. The entire story is focused on the destined love between Youngwoon and Sungmin, after all.

 

 

› Appearance [ 8/10 ] 

Like your title, the poster strives to be attractive — and it doing so, ends up looking bland. Although its simplicity gets its job done, it feels almost too easy. There’s nothing to set it apart from what your readers may scroll through every day. We’ve got our main characters, a sword presumably from the 1600s, some roses, and our title. I would consider harkening back to the symbolic rose in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. (Click here.)

 

Imagine this: impaled by the Black Rose, the rose is dying. Losing its petals. Depicting Youngwoon’s lifeless existence without the old Sungmin’s love. Talk about being both visually appealing and intriguing!

 

Despite having a specific layout for your chapters, the text is neither too small nor too big. The spacing is even, and I can read it! I’ve come across countless layouts that made the reading experience draining. But the rose border sets a somber mood** you match with your highly reflective tone***. 

 

(**Mood is the reader’s emotional reaction to your story; ***Tone is how you convey your story.)

 

 

› Plot [ 16/25 ]

The plot reads like the stereotypical reincarnation, werewolf, destined love story. You’ve added in spirits to give the plot some flair, but it’s otherwise unspectacular. I can feel it blending in with things I’ve already read already. But this is what — I presume — you were going for (a supernatural love story), and you stuck to your guns — original or not.

 

Be aware of your plot dumps. Whenever a concept is introduced, you tend to explain it in its entirety. For example, in the first chapter, we have the history of the town: a married couple were building a mansion; the mother cultivated roses; the family had two sons; the oldest was friends with a wolf; the youngest passed away; the family’s house was set aflame out of another’s unexplained jealousy; etc. 

 

It took some suspension of belief to shrug and accept these series of events. What was this jealousy? How did the son and the wolf meet? Why did the town so easily accept the wolf’s acts as protection?

 

The wolf killed assassins. Assassins are not mass murderers. Assassins have specific targets to eliminate. They couldn’t know who these assassin’s were after or why the wolf attacked them in the woods. So I must suspend my belief for this plot hole dump. Take your time in fleshing out ideas — especially the supernatural — to ease your readers into the new world you’re crafting.

 

While I was reading, I kept one question in mind: how do the main characters define love? This is a love story, after all.

 

Youngwoon confesses its “impossible to mistake” the love he has for Sungmin (ch.9). I assume he’s free with his secrets from the get-go because he wants to establish a difference between 1600s Sungmin and the present Sungmin. He falls over the present Sungmin because he’s there. Youngwoon even gets rid of the 1600s Sungmin's remnants (what a way to preserve his dead love's memory!). Youngwoon defines love as “attachment” — to be “in agony of not having [Sungmin] beside him” (ch.9). 

 

Despite my opinionated qualms about it, it ended quite nicely according to the narrator.

 

“He didn’t really care how many people would live in the house, because he finally had a loved one and friends that wouldn’t die as soon or as easily. His life was finally complete” (ch.10).

 

Was his life ever incomplete? His occupation put him into unsavory positions, but this was the life he chose for himself. Let’s answer our earlier question: more than love, Youngwoon’s constancy is what makes Sungmin willing to tough it out at his side (breakfast every morning in the same apron; eye smiles; regular morning exercises). Sungmin finds solace in his new constant “love,” friends, job, and supernatural nature.

 

Will the happy ending last? Although the relationship is seemingly built on convenience, I think so. Almost sadly so (coming from an adventureress’s point of view). 

 

Now I have a question for you: is this the kind of love you were trying to portray?

 

 

› Characterization [ 14/20 ]

You introduce a handful of characters in the latter two to three chapters of the story. Ayasya, Donghae, Hyukjae, and Kyuhyun. While the first three further establish the reach of this supernatural world, Kyuhyun is who I think you wanted the reader to pay attention to. He “caused” (technically not true, considering he didn’t throw 1600s Sungmin into the knife) Youngwoon’s loneliness. Kyuhyun also provides the last puzzle piece to fit into the Tour guide’s plot hole in chapter 10. 

 

He feels more like a plot device than a character — as he has no distinguishing characteristics besides being a good friend. His good friend is Youngwoon. Youngwoon receives his characterization through Sungmin’s feelings. In other words, the readers don’t get to establish an opinion about him because we’re told how to interpret him. Below are some examples of Youngwoon’s, clearly laid-out, characterization. 

 

“Sungmin's mind was flooded with small signs of sadness and loneliness he had seen in both Youngwoon's forms” (ch.3). 

 

“Sungmin felt something curl inside his stomach, there was a pang in his heart at the thought that Youngwoon was indeed very charming” (ch.3). 

 

Sungmin must have called Youngwoon sad, lonely, or depressed at least ten collective times. Speaking of Sungmin, he’s materialistic, curious, and guilty for Youngwoon’s sadness, loneliness, and depression — in both his resemblance to 1600s Sungmin and how he views Youngwoon.

 

The narrator is seeing the world through Sungmin’s eyes with the occasional peek into Youngwoon’s mind. This is but another reason Youngwoon doesn’t need much interpretation to understand. Despite the narrator’s biased eyes, he isn’t kind to Sungmin’s character.

 

"Long train rides were not particularly his favorite thing to do in the world. They were an utter bore, not to mention that the uncomfortable seats would always leave him feeling sore” (ch. 1). 

 

"Sungmin looked back at the statue understanding why it was made of copper. The metal was a cheap attempt to mimic the legend” (ch.1). 

 

“Sungmin…somehow curious” (ch.2). 

 

Sungmin is impatient. He doesn’t want to stay in one place for long. Anything that doesn’t glitter is cheap and not worth his time. He can’t help being curious about a legend. He can’t help but trip over his feet for the exciting “love” to be had with a werewolf. 

 

“Sungmin felt a pang of guilt and pain in his heart. He had told the other that they should avoid seeing each other a much as possible, but acting like that was a bit too much” (ch.3). 

 

“Weren’t they not supposed to interact? Why was Sungmin acting so friendly? At his surprised silence, Sungmin felt another pang of guilt” (ch.3). 

 

Sungmin wants the werewolf to “love” him. To incorporate Sungmin into his life. He’s running from a vengeful ex-boss, but he’s not done with his adventures quite yet. He’s guilty for torturing Youngwoon with his selfishness. It’s no wonder he chose to be a vampire-blood drinking hunter and left Youngwoon. 

 

He “loved” too much? I’d call him delusional; he wants the next new thing. He's comes back unexpectedly, and the "love" is all new again. 

 

"He smiled to himself somewhat bitterly because, despite telling himself for all those months that he had definitely given up Youngwoon, just the sound of that howl made his heart skip a beat. He had never been so sure that what he felt wouldn’t fade away" (ch. 10).

 

Will the happy ending last? I think so — as long as Youngwoon keeps the future fresh. As for the 400 years he has to live without Youngwoon, I’m not sure he’ll survive the absence of attention. I’m left wondering a similar question: are these the characters you were trying to portray?

 

 

› Flow [ 10/15 ] 

Your description is indicative of your writing style. It feels long and drawn out. Pretty writing can sometimes bog down meaning — perhaps the case with your description? For example:

 

“It seemed like Sungmin’s body was falling down in his arms in slow motion” (description).

 

“Youngwoon cried even harder, bending over the dead body he cried his misery” (description).

 

"Their mother looked at him apologetically for all the noise, but Sungmin couldn’t really get mad over that because, truth be told, he was also glad to have arrived” (ch.1).

 

These sentences can get lost in themselves. Break up these sentences or find ways to concisely convey these ideas to your reader. I elaborate on “needless movement” in the Spelling & Grammar section that should help keep momentum in your story. 

 

To back up this point, let’s look at a place where you established your point and got out of dodge:

 

”Then he lowered his head. Suddenly that back seemed to be carrying a heavy load” (ch.1).

 

There is forward movement here. One sentence leads into the other. A reader can get hung up trying to figure out what’s happening in those earlier, wondering sentences. Keep them moving. Keep readers hinged on your every word by being purposeful in your articulation. Here are some more nice sentences that do just that — that feel meaningful despite being so short: 

 

“'You’ve been nothing like a monster,’ Sungmin added with finality, with certainty” (ch.3). 

 

“His life had always been a whirlwind…” (ch.4).

 

Other than the occasional image, there wasn't a lot of poignant metaphors/similes, imagery, literary/rhetorical devices in general. The road to becoming more concise should naturally lead you towards these meaningful ways of aritculation (filled with subtext that can make any cliche read like new).

 

 

› Spelling and Grammar [ 6/10 ] 

When there is a speech marker, you correctly make the word following dialogue lowercase in most places. However, sometimes you trip up and leave it capitalized. Use a comma to replace dialogue that ends in periods.

 

Original Text: ”This was the first statue crafted in honor of the city’s legend, and it is part of the collection of five statues scattered around the town,’ The guide initiated her tale, not noticing that there was an intruder in her group” (ch.1).

 

Change to: ”’This was the first statue crafted in honor of the city’s legend, and it is part of the collection of five statues scattered around the town,’ the guide initiated her tale, not noticing that there was an intruder in her group…” (ch.1).

 

If there is no speech marker, only then you would capitalize the beginning word of the sentence. Here’s another example of comma usage in dialogue.

 

Original Text: ”’I am Youngwoon. Kim Youngwoon. If you need anything you can call my name.’ thewerewolf retorted, but…” (ch.1).

 

Change to: ”’I am Youngwoon. Kim Youngwoon. If you need anything you can call my name,’ the werewolf retorted, but…” (ch.1).

 

This quote also has the “you keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means” syndrome. (Click here.) Retort isn’t the word you would use here. Retort is “to respond to an accusation.” Youngwoon introducing himself isn’t preceded by Sungmin accusing him of being someone/something else. All Sungmin does is introduce himself first. Here’s another place where a word didn’t quite fit its circumstance:

 

“Some part of Sungmin felt he had to run away, but there was something in that guy, something in the way he seemed so inoffensive that made Sungmin unable to move…” (ch.2).

 

Why would Youngwoon’s unthreatening air freeze Sungmin stiff? Wouldn’t it be the other way around? If Sungmin’s stiff because he takes pleasure in being wrapped by Youngwoon’s air, make this more obvious. Here are two more:

 

“Sungmin disclosed himself wondering why Youngwoon was crying” (ch.5).

 

“And again Sungmin looked at the stab area and saw the bandage was heavily stained so he quickly disclosed himself and rushed to open it and clean the blood” (ch.8).

 

Where did you hear this strange phrase, “disclosed himself,” that you’re using it so often? Disclosed means “to have revealed a secret.” In the former quote it appears to mean Sungmin comes to terms with his wonder. In the latter quote it appears to mean Sungmin regains his composure in order to help Youngwoon. Later, in chapter 8, you properly convey the phrase:

 

“Right after he disclosed himself completely, he sat on the floor beside the bed and let his head fall on his knees as he hid his face” (ch.8).

 

This happens after Sungmin realizes his affection for Youngwoon and pretends to be the dead Lee Sungmin. He’s consciously revealed a subconscious secret. What a great use of this phrase! Even if you love it as much as you love the word “impregnate,” consider it may not always be the word/phrase most appropriate to use.

 

It feels like there is needless movement happening in your writing. Be concise and direct to avoid actions that drag on, making a reader lose their momentum. If a reader loses their momentum, they’re more likely to stop reading. Look below to see how to clean up your dictation of movement.

 

Original Text: “The tour guide looked at the train station and pointed at it” (ch.1).

 

Change to: “The tour guide pointed at the train station” (ch.1). 

 

Is it pertinent for the reader to know the tour guide looked at the train station? You want the reader to direct attention to the station and pointing does this well enough on its own. Although its a small change, this should get you thinking about what you should include/exclude when writing character actions — and this makes word count a testament to new and exciting content rather than superfluous details.

 

Commas don’t like to be called on when periods can do the job better. Imagine commas are builders, and periods are real estate agents. It’s the commas job to expand upon an idea, while it’s the period’s job to sell it. It’s easier for the real estate agent to sell cheaper houses, just as it’s easier for a period to convey shorter ideas. 

 

Original Text: “Sungmin took off his clothes and then inspected the bruise that was forming, there was a huge red mark that would soon become purple, measuring the size and shape Sungmin sighed” (ch.2).

 

Change to: “Sungmin took off his clothes and then inspected the bruise that was forming. There was a huge, red mark that would soon become purple. Measuring the size and shape, Sungmin sighed” (ch.2).

 

Avoid comma splices like that one, and insert commas when describing character action during speech like below.

 

Original Text: “‘Why are the last ones still closed? Why didn’t you read them?’ he added frowning sadly” (ch.10).

 

Change to: “‘Why are the last ones still closed? Why didn’t you read them?’ he added, frowning sadly” (ch.10).

 

Also, the saying is (typically) “brink of death,” not “brick of death” as you had here:

 

“‘The thought of you calling him while you were in the brick of death…’” (ch.9).

 

Tense issues and comma usage can be fixed by reading through your story again. Use language that is appropriate, avoiding words/phrases when they unnecessarily make your writing difficult to understand. Despite the length of this section, I had no trouble reading and interpreting the meaning of your story. As a non-native speaker, you get two thumbs up from me.

 

 

› Overall Enjoyment [ 1/5 ]

The story was not my cup of tea. I’m very critical of the romance genre — a skeptic who rarely suspends belief for “love’s” sake. I wasn't completely convinced what they felt was the ever elusive concept of "love." This may be because I was being told what to feel and found myself in constant opposition to these orders. 

 

 

› Final Score [ 62/100 ]

 

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Nevermore Gardens

Reviewed by by Yeri at

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BKL's Review shop

Reviewed by Eunriehyun 

 

Title: 10/10

Logical: 3/3

Since the beginning you explain the significant of the title. As in beast for Kang....and beauty as for Min. 
Eye-catching: 3/3
The first thing that brought my curiosity was the et as in 'and' in french. I've never seen that before so it was a must read to calm down my curious self.
Eye-catching: 4/4
Although, is not quiet original from "Beauty and the beast".... I loved the fact that you inserted the French word and that made it your own.

Description/Foreword: 10/10 plus 5 for amazing me...

Summary: 5/5

My, I surely must give you credit! Such an amazing description and the foreword *sighs heavenly* 
Appearance: 5/5
I truly love the layout and the background of the text. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 10/10

Development: 5/5

Min's character since the begin knew it wanted to protect his dearest no matter what,and then when he return four hundred years later he was changing because of this dearest. I turtle loved Kang's role hear. He was so heartaching and fascinating!  
Relation/Cast: 5/5
Kang was in good terms with everyone, and I liked the way he never expected anything for the newly Min even if it meant giving up on the past. With Kyu he was in a good shape, I could his regrets were true and Eunhae w just thier self.

Behind the Author's Mind: 40/40

Logical: 10/10

  To me it made sense, all of it.
Original: 10/10
I had thought it would one of those fics where it would try to bring the original story to life,but surprisingly your version was delightful. 
Tone: 5/5
The story's tone was  good as far I  know.

Naration: 5/5

I could tell you worked hard for this successful story by the way you describe and told each scene to the reader.  
Storyline: 10/10
I love the storyline to the core!!! What else can I say. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 21/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 06/10

Now here is were you must work on... I found some mistakes in the space making, the additional letter in some words and some misplace words,but it can be corrected. 
Termonology: 5/5
The dialogue was established in a easy way the readers could follow and every imaginary.  
Language Barrier: 10/10
No problem. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 5/5 plus ten!
Personally, I would have never read a story that involved Kangmin, but I'm glad I came upon your request. I'm very honest when I say that I hate reading things forcefully, but with your story it was almost natural. I was so into it that I almost cried because of Kang's moments whenever he told Min about him or when Min thought Kang had confused him with the other guy. I just couldn't stop reading it!! I love it. I do hope you  consider making a squeal(although is pretty much complete as it is). And -I can't believe I'm saying this- but I really hope you can recommend some good Kangmin stories.

 

Total: 106/100

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Utopia Request Shop

Reviewed by kaitexo

 

Title: 5/5

I could see how your title was supposed to fit your story and plot line, but I found the random “et” unnecessary. I feel like the title would’ve been better in either all English or all French, but I won’t take anything off for it since it seemed more like an artistic choice.

I liked that your title didn’t give too much away about your plot but shared a similar theme. It also gave the same aura and feeling that your writing gave, which was a kind of delicate, melancholy. Overall, I thought your title was beautiful.  

 

Foreword/Description: 8/10

I actually really like your description. Your statements are very concise and easy to read, which I prefer and personally tend to click on.

At first, I didn’t understand what the quotes meant at all but after I read finished reading the fic, I finally understood how beautiful the quotes actually were.

 

As for your foreword, I found it a bit confusing and overwhelming. I had to reread it a couple times to understand what was going on. There was just a lot going on, so if I were simply scrolling through and happened to read your foreword, I would honestly click away. In hindsight, I see how well the foreword connected with the rest of your story but to catch the attention of a new reader, a little more description would be needed.

 

Plot: 23/25

Personally, I am not an avid supernatural genre reader, so I wouldn’t know how unique your plot was. I loved it nonetheless. In the beginning, I had doubts about how the story would go since the characters made what seemed like questionable decisions. I mean, there was Youngwoon who just allowed a stranger to live in his house with no reason to our knowledge. However, you then amazed me with a reason for almost everything.

 

It really looked like you put a lot of care and thought into you plot. There was so many mysteries and unanswered questions in the beginning, but you somehow tied everything together. I absolutely love fics like this, and I think it’s incredibly genius.

 

The way you ended your story was beautiful. You tied it up neatly and left me satisfied. There were no unanswered questions and it didn’t feel rushed or stretched at all. However, I thought it would be a good idea to end your story with the words you started it with. Like you could end it with the quotes from your description. Your description would finally make sense to readers and you could give us even more feels ;D.

 

The last thing I want to talk about in terms of plot is how easily Sungmin accepted the idea of the supernatural and how he decided to live with a werewolf. A little questionable but, that was really the only thing I had trouble with.

 

Flow: 8/10

Your pacing was very nice. It wasn’t too fast nor was it too slow. Your writing (though there were grammar points I won’t touch upon) was pretty seamless. The story shifted scene to scene with ease and didn’t seem too forced like other fics I have read.

However, though you were using third person limited, focusing on Sungmin, it suddenly shifted to focus on other characters towards the end. I feel like the story would’ve flowed better at the end if you kept the perspective focused solely on Sungmin the entire time. Like, you could’ve described how it was like at the guild for Sungmin and how he wrote the letters and how he climbed up the ranks so quickly. We would’ve had a larger, more valuable connection with Sungmin rather than what I thought was a cheap connection with Youngwoon.

 

Character Development: 10/10

I loved watching the characters change and grow throughout the story. This was something I really loved about your writing. Even the way they developed as characters was extremely seamless. I really have nothing more to say about this other than I really loved it. Fighting!

 

Writing Style: 8.5/10

I keep saying perfect in this review but that’s also what I felt about your writing style as I had mentioned before. Your writing style almost felt elegant. There was just the right amount of description. What I mean by this is that you would describe things and just leave it like that. It sounds like a bad thing but it really isn’t. You painted the scene perfectly, leaving just the right amount of room needed for imagination.

 

Also, though your syntax (sentence structure) could’ve used more work, your way with words was so impressive that I almost forgot to mention it. There was no overuse of words and you actively changed adjectives and pronouns. Job well done.

I wanted to touch a little on your syntax but since it was more grammatical, I will leave it alone.

 

Personal Enjoyment: 9/10

At first, like i mentioned before, I had a tough time understanding what was happening in your fic. Your grammar was also hindering my enjoyment so I had to reread the first chapter a couple times, which- I regret to admit- felt like a chore. However, my brain began to rewire the sentences correctly subconsciously as I reached the third chapter and it was then that I began to really enjoy it. The romance was so well paced and beautiful that I just asdfghjkl;’. I caught myself crying and loving with the characters. I would recommend this fic to others 100% and I’ll make sure to read your other work.

Total: 72.5/80

 

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