Its almost the end of 2015.... but i don't feel any better.

I'm sorry this post will be kind of depressing but i think, better to let it out here before i really lose it.

This might be the most stupid post you will ever read and idc anymore if you want to say i beg for attention or stuff.. i need to let this out. At the beginning of the year i enter a college, for us to learn english for three months and that is the most happiest time, the moment when i was the happiest person alive, great friends, great lecturer and everything and i gred with a cool result.

Then i got my exam (final high school to enter any uni) result. It was so-so, actually i got B+ for three subject.. and those subject are the one i aim for A but.. yeah. 

I was in despair.

When the result of the offers come out, i got two main offer, Matriculation in pure science for two years and Faculty of Theater Film in a uni. I went to form six first to look around and was rejected because the teacher said "you should enter matriculation for brighter future bla bla bla... its under government anyway". My father was upset because i refuse to enter matriculation as it was the best place to go. I think a lot.

So i enter matriculation for two years in pure science, in May 2015. 

It was okay, 6 person from my classmate in high school got into the same matriculation and 4 of us end up in a ing same room as a dormmate and i couldnt be more happier because hell.. no dramatic new roomate thingy.

But the happiness doesnt last long.

I found myself crying the bathroom cubicle every single day. I was deeply frustrated i couldnt absorb anything i was learning,

I'm a biology lover (or now should i say i used to?) ....i failed in biology, and naturally i have problems with math and calculation, chemistry wont help me at all and i blown up my physics. Every single day i woke up with a sigh and i want to pull my hair out of desperation, i want to lay all day in my bed and cry, but no i cant because this is reality. Im depressed so much. 

i want my motivation back. i tried so many times but i stumble and the ground the hell of my body i cant breath.

One day, right after i pray.. i broke down in front of my friends, my roomates.I love science so damn much but i cant study, im losing my focus and concentration, how am im going to explain this? i think i have a mental problem, idk what is it.  I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. 

I do something, i called the university, the faculty of arts and ask if i still have chance to enter it. (by the time im in matric of course its been late) and magically not so magically, i still have chance.. the due date is 4 days more.. 

The very next day is holiday and i get back to my hometown and tell my parents i'm stopping matric. My dad didnt talk to me the whole journey to home. 

After faking my expression so hard and beg for hundreds times, my dad say.. its not like he against me, but i'm entering the faculty of theater and arts.. and my friends are shocked by the news, so even my teachers in high school.. i dont know what to do, i'm depressed.. i tried, i tried, i swear to god i tried my best to study but i cant without wiping my tears as i read about the molecules and atoms. i swear i dont know what to do, what is happening in me... i cant do it. i dont want to give up hell i wont. but i really cant and matric is a place you need to work your off and im not the most genius person on earth.

i tried i swear but i cant.

so i stop.

With so much difficulties and complicated documents i went to the City (5 hours by bus from my hometown) to meet my brother. I went alone, and do it myself, only after i reached, my brother and sis-in-law help me with my uni stuff. it was complicated, i left some documents in my locker in matric.. i really wanted to cry but i bite my toungue. 

it bleed.

i dont even mind if i die.

after two days struggling with uni, i went back. and i broke down in public when my brother help me to buy my bus, we were buying the ticket. i ask him "can we cancel everything"

"cancle what? you dont want to enter the faculty"

i said "But dad..." tell me, which daughter or son want to throw a brick to their parents? and here i'm quitting matriculation, i just burn their dream... 

"But you've paid"

I cried on the spot there in my queue when we're buying the ticket, i cup my face with a scraf and supressed any voice from coming out from my throat, stranger look at me with weird eyes? i dont care, im done. my brother put his hand on my shoulder to shoothes me, all i can do is trying to be as poker as possible then i go inside my bus, brother stay there in the city since he lives there. i hope the seat beside me would be empty so i can continue my outvurst silently but no, its occupied and i hold everything back. 5 hours in the bus i didnt sleep at all. 

The next day, i'm back to matric to clear everything up. My holiday barely spend with parents since im busy with the documents and now everything of my quitting stuff need to be sort too. I met the lecturer, my classmate, my roomates of course (they start to understand and throw a suppose to be a little eating-alot-together time the last night im with them.. i have to face the counselor.. because i made this decesion and lastly, the chansellor. Everything is smooth, the process is. Only if i wish my heart would be as easy as the situation. Faking a smile is easy at the moment, its make people stop questioning at some point.

All my lugage, and stuff... i take it to uni, i need to do everything in hurry since i' already late. 

So... my forst day entering university is not as fairtale as i imagine, and i'm entering the faculty of arts and theater.

From pure science to arts.. well, whats a big deal? some people can ask.. and some people think i'm mad.

i am mad

i have new friends, new housemate and new everything.. now i finished the first semester. but the thing is.. its not the story about friend or studies i want to tell here.. 

its about me. I know its only, merely a thought.. but the thought of suicidal frighten me to the bones.. of course my family doesnt know about this. like hell i would tell anyone, the few people i ask.. only end up with me saying, "just kidding".

First semester, of course learning the skill of arts and science have the different and i have a cultural shock of studies and time more than the cultural shock the social offer. Lol, social have no meaning at this point.

I'm afraid where will this path lead me, i cried a lot. what am i going to do in this field, 

it sound silly? i'll agree if you say that... but i cant help me. i know its stupid, i dont know how to explain this.. 

i do have suicidal thought and nothing scares me more than that.

i have to avoid the balcony because i cannot look down without thinking of jumping from it. i put my hand in hot water because i want to feel something, is it burning my hand yet? can i use this to feel less the pain in my heart? i'm not joking this is killing me. 

people seek me to tell their story and i cant even be more happy to help people.. they ask me for advices, counselling and everything and all i do is doing what a friend suppose to do, listen and talk.

but when its happen to me, i want to tell them... how depressed i am, how frustrated i am, how dying i am. 

of course i hear "you can do this" "are you mad?" "girl, you have god" 

and i end up with "lol, im just kidding, why so serious"

what else i can do? faking is easy more than trying so hard for people to understand you.

friends in uni are great, i made some good friend, im doing just ok. but it's me, its about myself i'm dying about.

i'm missing my old self.

The happy me, the not give up until my last drop of blood me, the prankster me, the idiot me,

i hate being in this state but what can i do???  its ups and down, i feel like running away from all this, maybe dying even better but of couse i wont cut myself.. but it doesnt mean im better than before. 

the only place to run is fandom and super junior... i get back to twitter, and here aff... im sad donghae and hyukjae have to enlist.. like other elf i cried.. suju and fandom make me better.. but there's still always time when reality hit you hard, when you look at your friend and you feel like you are the most tiest person ever. i dont curse a lot but i deserve the curses. the losing of sense of belongging anywhere i go... i hate that.

i'm sorry for writing this... i just say to myself, hyukjae and donghae enlist for two year, and (god please help me) by the time they discharge, i'll get my diploma in this field.. 

i want to be happy again, thanks to suju they dont know how much i owe them and thanks to fandom.. if they can survive why cant i?

its still up and down.. and im crying the . the whole time i wrote this post. you can call me whatever.. i dont care.. i feel like im done with everything im starting to lose faith 

suju is the one pulling me forward to survive this.. i felt sorry for my parents... i'm such a bastard for crushing their dream. i dont know their thought in this, i cant ask anyone in my family im too afraid of the outcome and all.. even tho everyone agree with the choice i made and my parents are happy thinking im doing well.. im sorry because all i did i faking everything. 

im losing my sight i dont know what to do i just do... 

next semester i'll try do something.. something anything, go to casting or anything. i need to do something.

i dont want to prove anything to anyone... i need to prove something to myself now.. to think how suju made me stand again.. i cannot thank them more, and parents who stay by my side.. sibling and loyal friend who keep supporting me...

they dont know how rotten and dying my heart is.. its true now, faking starting to get in my natural. 

but i need help, i dont know how long i can stay like this, hell i cant stay like this.. 

if you read this till the end... thank you so much... thank you...

if there's quotes or song or anything.. i want to know... i wont give up i just dont want to deny how hard is it to me anymore since i cant talk to anyone.. only here.

Pardon grammar or anything i wont check..

Thank you for reading.. i know its long and depressing.. i'm sorry..