Hi guys. It's been awhile since I've done a blog and I was going to make a part four about hating Avan, but I've alredy proven my point about him being an xsshole so I don't a part four is needed. This blog is going to be about something different. Get your tissues ready because is going to be quite depressing.

Anyway if you guys didn't know, ever since I was two I lived with my aunt and uncle. My parents broke up because my dad would always be hanging out with his friends while my mom would be in the house with me and my two younger brothers but with another man, cheating on my dad. So one day my dad found out and started arguing with her and it got violent when they started throw glass beer bottles at eachother while I was on the ground crying, wanting them to stop. I was only two but I could still remember everything clearly. I was scarred for life at that moment. I remember my mom picked me up and drove me to my aunt and uncle's house with all my things. Then when we got here, she was asking them to take good care of me and left. That was the last I really saw of her until I grew a bit older. So yeah that's my background story but hat's not why I'm upset.

Today I was cleaning and I over heard my uncle speaking with my dad. I overheard that he was going to die soon, but of course my dad does joke around lie that so I didn't really pay attention to that. But then my uncle called me and my brothers up to his room. He told us that my dad wasn't going to last long. My dad has diabetes. He lost his pinky toe. He lost his left eye. He almost lost a foot but only lost another toe. He's always in and out of the hospital because he's always getting sick. And now his doctors are saying that his kidneys have fail and he only has a year or even just 6 months.

You don't how much it's killing me. He may have not raised me, but he was always asking about me and my brothers. We don't live in the same state but that never stopped him from talking to us on the phone or skyping us on the computer. He was always there for us. He tried being a good father. He was trying to make up for all those years he wasn't there for us. He had to get his medication, He had to go to work, He had to deal with immagration stuff and he still thought about us over himself. I care about him. I miss him. I love him. And knowing that his biggest dream was to walk me down the wedding aisle upsets me because I can't even do that for him. Why of all people does he hae to go. I need him and he won't there!!!

I need help. I'm hurt. My head hurts. Tears won't stop falling. Everything hurts too much. I don't think I can be my happy self anymore. Not without my dad. I don't know what I'd do without him helping me. He was probably one of the only ones the truly cared about me and my brother's existence. Even though I was made by a one nigh stand, he still stayed and made sure I was okay in the only way he could.

How would you feel if someone that important to you.... was gone? It hurts doesn't it? I akes you feel an unbearable pain that couldn't go away. It akes you into something yu're not. It makes you think of the things you never dared to think of. It bring the saddening worst of you. It tears you apart. Everytime you look at yourself you never see yourself the way you used to. You look broken. You felt broken. You are broken. That's how much it hurts when someone you truly cared about and loved so much ... is gone. Sometimes the pain never goes away. And then there are other who take their pain away by giving themselves another pain. And there are the ones the can't handle all the pain and end themselves. It hurts that much.

I won't hurt myself or kill myelf, but I do need another person's shoulder to cry on, which is all of you guys. At least maybe you guys could help me forget this horrible pain for I could live on the way my dad would want me to: Happy, Free, and Regretless.

Love you all,

VivySparkles

Thank you all for being there for me

(this is not a suicide note, just my gratefullness to all of you)