So I know you guys read the last blog 'Drowning' about my depression and other stuff. 

So of course I am still depressed, And I have cut myself before and have scars on my arms alittle, and my legs. They are healing. But I can still see them from where my blade cut through.

I was scared to write that on here fear of being rejected and being looked down on, because of my depression. But I got some encouraging messages in the last blog, so thank you. You guys helped alot and I'm sorry about my story 'Secrets between Brothers' is being delayed. 

It's just that I have been Depressed lately and don't want to make the chapters TO SAD and depressing. Because when I'm depressed I always write to depressing and tend to put to much Angsty stuff. Even when I have that story as a kind of dark  theme. Even so... I don't want to spread my depression on the pages of the chapters. 

Well the 8th chapter is almost done. I just delayed it, as I said before because of my depression and feeling down in the dumps. I have a history of cutting.. And It's okay if you feel like you should block me, or you look at me differently.. I feel like I let down my big brother and so many people I promised that I wouldn't cut myself and cause harm to myself. I tried. I relasped for two years and counted the days. And I did pretty good.  But I ruined it, I thought of it, thought of cutting myself again and it scared me, it scared me. 

Because I was afriad about if I could really hold myself from cutting to far, from putting the blade to far. And the blood flows out. And I could die. But I know my parents already lost my big brother, they don't need to lose me too. But I tried to last longer, I couldn't... I made it two years, but sure. I still had those depressing times and times I felt that I wanted to hit a wall. But I end up just hitting the pillow. 

I've been like this, I feel that I started this when I was  seven, after my parents divorced. I still see my dad and my mom.. But I'm scared of my mom, she yells at me to much, compares me to other people and always feels the need to bring me down. Writing has always been my escape, my wonderland is this site and I feel happy being with people of all kinds that are into kpop like me. 

Kpop has saved me a bunch of times when I was down and depressed. I feel like the lyrics spoke to me. Outside of Kpop I have some bands I love too. Like Mindless Behavior, Black Viel Brides, Paramore, Evenscence, Dead By April, Falling in Reverse, Rascal Flatts, Rob Zombie, The Fray and Linkin Park. 

I don't really listen to pop that much, other than Kpop. But it's alittle different. I have always loved Punk Rock, Alternative rock, Rap and Country Pop. And I know my mom doesn't like the same music as me, she never liked the same things as me. Our Personalitys are different. But I still love her Regardless. 

But why do I feel that she may be the reason why I cut myself and get depressed. She always tells me I'm Useless and Ab Normal. Thats why I'm closer to my dad. And not my mom.

Its okay if you all look at me differently, I put this upon myself. But I felt I needed to put it out there. I'm sorry if I'm different than the way you pictured me. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm alive though I don't feel like I really am alive. I feel dead inside. 

Thank you for the people that commented before, the subscribers I have and the friends that have my back. I feel thankful because you guys are there to help. And Listen, unlike my mom that still yells at me, wanting me to be like her, but I don't want to be just like her. My personality is so different compared to hers. She should know that. But She still wants me too.

I'm afriad of telling her about this depression, about me cutting myself. In fear of her looking down on me more and looking at me like I'm dirty.. 

I told my dad and he comforted me, He told me he still looked at me the same like he always have and I'm thankful. But My mom, I'm to scared to tell her. What should I do I don't know. 

I'm sorry this is so long. And that I'm not exactly my happy self. But just know that I'm still here, I'm trying my hardest. I will put up the newest chapter ASAP but I just wanted to put out there the reason alittle. 

Thank you for the love and support. 

Love you guys! 

Xoxo

- RemeRis96