HELP ME!!

Hey guys,how are you all? Well it's my first time blogging in my life.am 18 yrs girl.I was a kind of girl who make everyone smile and I was so hyper kid ...well that until I turn 12.I read a news paper one day that talk about flood in n the other part of my country. And since that day I always scared of rain.after that day I had never sleep alone.always my bro's or grandma or my twin will hug me,I can't relax by just sleeping together but I need hug too. And then without me knowing the reason I got anxiousty.afraid to got outside or meeting new people.so then Ibecome quite and lonely. I can't even make any conversation with my family.until I turn 15 the family was helping me a lot(my mom is abroad since I was a baby).so at 15 I got a boyfriend to help myself which result for my family angerd and got beaten by my bro's every night. I hide everything from my boyfriend about that I have a problem. But one day during he found out and leave me .even if I know this would come and I was ready ,but it hurt me a lot.from my bro's beating from my family heater and from my bf I lost a heart too trust anyone (and I still don't ).after that I always use earphone to cover the rain sound(which makes my hearing so low because I make the sound so high) and go to lybrary so that someone at least be near me even if its silent place. As I turn 16 I leave my country and fly to abroad to work and help my mom(I stop my study as I was 11).so guys life in abroad iso difficult.knowing that there is no one to run to you and hug you or keep you safe from whatever you felling is so hard.and for was a hell because I don't talk,I don't know anyone, I don't go out. I spend my time working or reading .even in my off day I spend it on my bed sleeping or reading again. I have my co-worker with me and sometime I won't feel alone..now she is on vacation and I am having a hard time..I can't even make my work properly in fear of something will happen to me if I get tired(so I have to safe my energy for whatever is coming).I can't sleep with light off too.everything in the outside world is scared me. And today is i was supposed to go somewhere for work related thing and I fight with the boss's because I said I can't go out alone.so since the thing was so argent one of the boss come and take me too the place.I told him my reason( which I really wish that I wouldn't) and so he keep quiet and we finish and on our way back we were waiting a taxi to pick us and then...he start cursing and yelled at the street by his own lounguage which I understand very well.I fel like crying and I feel really hopeless.(stupid,jerk..useless) that is what he said. When we arrive our place I apologize and thank him which he just scoffed and left. I really want enjoy my life.i want go out,hug out and meet a new people.I'll be 19 in two month but I don't know how I can live at all.I try to contact with people,with chatting online or even with my co-workes but its really awkward since I don't know what to say or do.the only thing that keep me good is singing ..I like singing and sometimes I write everything I feel and make a song that. But my family don't know if I was writing or singing if they find out ..I'll die.because they don't like it.I don't hate my family I don't hate anyone in my life. Please help me.what should I do? Any suggestions (except hospitalish things,).

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BlackChaos #1 Oct 23, 2015 14:29:51

I pass something simmilar so i know how it is to have trauma, mine is phisical just this is the difference. You need at first somekind to get out from this circle of isolating. I know it is much better to be alone where no one can hurt you but you need to meet someone who can actualy care for you. I dont know where you are located, but it sounds to me that you are living in really conservative family. My first advice is to start searching for another job. I dont know how qualified you are now ,but everything is better than being humilated. One tip. No boss will care for their employers so in future never discover everything, just one piece. You are young and there is so much time in front of you. You just need to understand one thing. You ARE WORTH OF MEETING. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ARE , YOU ARE GOOD PERSON, AND YOU DESERVE BETTER. When you break this wall, you will be free and if you need some support, here is one person who can at least support you this way. You are not alone! :D Fighting!

WarriorBABYz #2 Sep 21, 2015 12:25:50

you're my age but you've gone through so much more than me. I think I live quite a happy easy life most of the time and don't think I can give you much dependable advice since I haven't gone through the things you have. Obviously your situation won't be fixed overnight so take it easy and take one step at a time. Maybe just start by saying hello to people at work or a owner walking their dog, get used to small talk if you can't have a full conversation yet. Smile more so you become more approachable and hopefully it'll make you feel better. Honestly I can't talk very well with people unless I'm comfortable so I get that struggle. Also what you said about singing is beautiful. I love art and was also extremely scared how my parents would take it (since I did well in school everyone expected me to do medicine or something fancy) I think they are still slowly accepting it... you don't have to tell them directly about singing if your scared and you don't have to hint about it either. maybe just try not so hard to hide it... but don't take my advice too brutally that it stresses you out! please don't do that ahah I just hope you know that there are people that will listen to you and try to understand you even if they don't fully. I know how hard it is to move countries and I cried so so so so much until I started to slowly think positively again and count my blessings every night so I slept with good thoughts in my head... feel free to message me and I'm sorry this is so long ahaha ^^;;;