I was supposed to post this on the 14th but never got around to doing it. I felt too sad to recall and remember it.

On the 15th of September 2015, Miki graduated. Yeah...he graduated. So what? He's moving on and leaving for university.

If I were to sum up this year's events, I would say that there was no progress whatsoever. I didn't try enough because I was scared of his respose and the people around him and I. I was afraid to let him know I was still around and that I liked him. And to top it off, it's even scarier to know what his friends will say when they figure out that I'm two years younger than him (which is not a big difference, but they may view it as a large ).

I was scared and therefore made no progress. I did nothing to make myself more closer to him. I did nothing to make him remember me well. I did nothing for myself and I regret it very much.

During the whole week, I felt an overwhelming sadness that I couldn't look at anyone, like the life has drained out of me. I may be exaggerating this, but whenever I like someone....I like them very much.

So, on the Tuesday, his graduation mass, I regretted not attending it. There was an offer last week from my school that we could attend the boys' school next door if we had a sibling who's graduating there. But, I didn't go and I don't know why. Deep down inside I knew I wanted to go and I could've gone, but since I asked my mom about it, she told me that I shouldn't and I couldn't go against that. I really wanted to see Miki go up that stage. I wanted to see him graduate in front of my eyes, but that couldn't happen. It was a one time chance and I let it slip away.

During the classes I had that day, I was overwhelmed with so much regret and misery that I didn't eat lunch or recess.

At the end of the day, when my sibling and parents went off to his graduation ceremony night (this is different from the graduation mass, it's where they hand out awards and stuff) I was left alone. I didn't cry, but instead I felt empty and lifeless. I stared at a blank wall and constantly checked my non-existent messages. That night, a family friend talked to me and I told him about it and he said that I should add him on Facebook, which I did in the end.

But after my sibling came back (which I assumed Miki did too) I got no notifications and it made me anxious so I was thinking of cancelling my request, but I wouldn't want him to think that I constantly check if he accepted my request, and hence cancelling it. So I'm leaving that request. Whether he's in uni or whatever, that request is still there. He hasn't rejected it or anything. Maybe he just isn't sure who I am (I have no profile picture and I didn't put my last name), but otherwise, I think I'll let that request stay with him. 

There were also lots of pictures from the graduation ceremony and mass and Miki was in there. I would like to share it with you since he looked so bright and full of life that he made me happy, but I won't do it without his consent. Otherwise, I think that I need to let go for a bit and relax my feelings for him. Maybe one day I'll see him again. Hopefully I will.