I am so stressed lately plus the militrary issue and idk, i just want to let this out~  

09/16/15

11:10 PM Wednesday

Dear Donghae,

                In less than a month, you’ll be in military. The thought itself brings tears again. Whenever I think that I won’t be seeing you (like the way I am updated on everything you do) in two years makes me sad. I know that it can’t be helped and two years is just short but I am not sure how to handle life for two years once you are there. It is exaggerating for others but they don’t understand me anyway. I am your fan for more than five years and I actually spent my teenage life supporting you and with those two years, I am not sure what to do.  Of course there are other members; Super Junior will still be in their activities but without you? I don’t know what to feel.  Sometimes I’m scared of what you truly mean to me. I think that I revolve my world around you so much, like I actually care for you more than I do with people I get to see every day.  I feel like I isolated myself from the real world because you matter more than them. Whenever I see you happy, I’m happy as well. You are my smiling and laughing pill. When you are sad, I am depressed. You deserve all the happiness in the world; I can’t afford to see you down. When you are crying, I want to punch the sole reason why there are tears on your beautiful face. If the world betrays you, I will be here ready to betray the whole wide world. I am very much affected when it comes to you that oftentimes I set aside everything to make a way to support you. I always ask myself if this level of fangirling is still healthy or not. I tried so many times to leave the fandom, to stop loving you but I ended up hurting myself, crying myself to sleep because I just can’t. I am just an average woman but whenever I have money, I almost spend every cent for you, for those things that concern you and rotate around you and basically every single thing that has connection with you. It’s tiring, yes, believe me I want to quit too but just seeing your sad face because I’m leaving you made me regret the idea as fast as a snap of my finger. Yes it’s exhausting to be your fan but I am happy. I’m happy to be like this, chasing someone like you who is miles away and won’t even spare a sorry glace for a girl swimming in the crowd of people screaming your name, catching your attention, trying to have your smile directed at me. I’m happy to be like this, always thinking of you more than important things. I’m happy to be like this, prioritizing you, spending pennies just to attend your concert, just to see you for not more than four hours with my throat swollen and sore, my body numb yet aching but my heart is crying and leaping in joy because yes I saw you and I’m breathing the same air with you and you are there. Although I can’t touch you, I can’t reach you and I can’t say these words but I’m happy being like this. I am the happiest when I see you. My favorite moment is when I am crying and I am ugly and I am broke but you are there. And it breaks my heart, mind and whole existence that in two years I won’t be seeing you and I won’t be happy like that. You are not yet inside but I’m missing you already and I hate myself for that because what will happen if that day comes? Maybe I’ll be in my bed, just like I always do with all the lights off, laptop or phone in hands while weeping silently but my insides are screaming your name with a never ending ‘I miss you’, ‘I will wait for you’, or ‘I am proud of you’ and finally, ‘I love you and only you’. I love you Donghae. I love everything about you. I promise I will try to be strong just like you and for two years, I’ll do anything I can so by the time I’ll be seeing you again, I will have the chance to voice out everything I want to say, with you in front of me and yes, that would beat all my happiest moments with you so far. Take care my love.

Always with you,

M.A (your fan)