What's been going on

I'm sorry I dropped off the grid, guys. I love writing, but I'm mentally exhausted almost every day; I think I might be depressed. All kinds of conflicting thoughts have been running through my head and some days I can't take it and end up cutting even though I know I shouldn't. I've noticed a theme of my characters wanting to die in nearly all my stories; I keep trying to fix that, but it pops up again and again. A huge reason why I keep disappearing from my fics is because I don't know how to fix them and have them not be so damn depressing. My mood keeps taking over my work. There are other reasons too, and they just keep piling up. I want to write, I love writing - I just keep feeling sorry to you all that I'm so useless all the time and can't seem to finish much of anything, or when I do, it's taken like three months to do it. I'm trying. My efforts look pretty pathetic, but I'm trying.

It's not that comments asking for updates bug me or anything, so don't feel bad about that - I find them very cute and uplifting! I just wanted to explain myself, mostly because I'm disappointed in myself for being this way.

I'm really sorry.

Not sure how these blog posts work exactly, as it's my first time writing one, but I'm hoping you guys see it. To anyone who's written one before, should I post a link in my fics so everyone can see it or is this enough? I'm actually terrified to post this; it's really embarrassing admitting to making mud, but here goes nothing.

Comments

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kennocha #1 Sep 7, 2015 14:01:35

I hope you get better soon. Don't pressure yourself :) everything's going to be alright. You stay strong

Love_Mark #2 Sep 6, 2015 16:09:10

I'm the same as you, don't worry about it. I've taken at least 3 or more months to write a chapter. Just keep staying strong, alright?

honeygoms #3 Sep 6, 2015 02:58:43

It's alright to not write - I'm actually in the same exact boat as you are. I'm struggling with depression and self-harm, and updating regularly is such a pain because I really want to, I do, I just can't, you know? And how you said your fics have the repetitive depressing themes? I do the same, only it's with broken relationships and infidelity - both things I've been exposed to and have never and probably will never get over.
My readers are also always commenting on my fics and telling me to 'please update!' and 'update asap ^^' and it makes me happy, and I'm really grateful people enjoy my stories, but that little burst of inspiration only lasts a few minutes before I'm stuck staring at the screen again and can't even manage to bring myself to write a single word. I'm struggling with depression, and I have off days and on days. My arm and even legs are covered in scars from passed harm, and I'm often have no desire to write at all.
But I've found the best way to write is to /write/, not as in your fics, but about the thoughts that are bothering you. Your personal life. Get a journal or even just some paper and write it out until you don't feel as bad anymore. It won't all come out at once, but when certain things are overwhelming, just stop, breathe, and write. Listening to music helps - because your heartbeat it actually affected by the tempo of music you listen to, and it's very calming.

I know how you feel. I know everyone says that, but I really do know where you're coming from. You can talk to me to let it out. Seriously, I will listen. Anytime you feel overwhelmed, you could message me. I have both LINE and kakao, and there's also my tumblr account. I can give you the info to all of them, if you want. I know from experience that it helps, even just a little. Letting emotional stress and thoughts out makes your mind feel lighter. If you need anyone to talk to, you really can talk to me :)

sleepingprince #4 Sep 6, 2015 02:43:00

I hope that you'l feel and get better soon. Take some time and space for yourself . No matter what, I hope that you'l try not to hurt yourself. Maybe by meditating, or maybe going back to nature will help you to relax alittle. Stay strong