Title says it all.

I am part of the LGBTQ+ community. And I'm at the moment just really... Restless, actually. So many thoughts going around that I can't even grasp onto one. 

First I would like to clear up, I haven't actually come out yet in front of my parents or school or the world in general. A classmate knows, as that classmate, too, is part of the community, but other than her nobody actually knows. But I need to get rid of my thoughts without anybody who I know in real life noticing.

Okay, I am bi. How do I know? I mean, I'm just 14 years old, right? But I know. I know I am because I feel it. I've been thinking and denying, testing and crying just to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Going back to November 2014. I was just being me. I got over my first ever actual crush on a GUY, I liked him so much. My first crush, and well I finally got over him. I felt good to know that there wouldn't be any more feelings to trouble me. At least that's what I had in mind.

That same month, my three (now ex-) close friends ALL fell for the same guy who happened to be close to us. At first I was very confused, he's a good and cute friend, sure, but I wasn't really sure how they all fell for him. And if he really was that amazing for 16 girls to confess to him (not even lying), how come I hadn't fell for him yet? Anwser was obvious: Simply not my type.

But I wasn't cool with that. I was a little scared at that moment but I didn't know why. But now thinking back I do know why. One of those close friends... She liked him so much that we started to grow apart. I was scared that if my friends fell to deep I'd lose them. So guess what I did? I just said I liked him, too.

I, however, never actually saw him as more than a friend.

And so the days passed by and somewhere in February something suddenly hit me. All of sudden I became aware of that weird tingly feeling you get inside, the same feeling I had with my first crush. I questioned myself in my head; "Am I falling for somebody?" 

So I started to get alert of when I suddenly felt that wave of happiness take over my body. It was with my friend. I was so scared. I asked myself in my mind plenty of times, "Am I gay? No, I liked boys before. Am I bi? No, it can't be." And my mind repeated the same lines over and over again, "You like her."

And at some point I finally acknowledged my feelings. I liked a girl.

First I was very uncomfortable with the thought. How do I deal with this? How do I now act around her? I am a very touchy person in general, if I care about you I'll hug the living hell out of you and plant kisses on your shoulder. Being so close to her felt so good. I felt so good when we got physical as close friends, good as in just giddy, by the way. My heart would flutter. Even the thought still makes my heart flutter. 

But now that I accepted the fact that I indeed liked a girl, I started to become very awkward around her. And I guess she noticed. And I'm not sure what she had in mind before.

About two months before school ended, we were alone to get ice cream. We were just talking, at that point I took control over myself and decided to act as a friend just not so close as before. Then all of sudden she asked me, "Are you gay?"

I told her no.

"Then are you bi?"

I flinched a little. She noticed. 

"Are you?"

I am. 

"Have you ever dated a girl before?"

I haven't.

"Oh."

And so the conversation ended. Very awkwardly. But that didn't hurt me. What hurt me were every day after. She started to grow distand from me. Was it because of my uality? I don't know. Was it because she might knew I liked her? I don't know.

All I know is that she coldly brushed me off. As if I were nobody. 

And she still does so.

During the vacation I learned how to deal with this. I simply stopped caring, telling myself that I'm worth more than that. But I loved her so much as a friend, I liked her a lot as more than that. I miss our old days, but I want to get over her. Real quick.

The reason why I'm confessing all of this just now is because yesterday, I came out to a classmate. It's funny how s/he actually already thought I was LGBTQ+ and I did as well think of it as for him/her. It was quite weird, we asked about it at the same time and opened up about it. It felt good to know somebody understood your feelings.

So yes, I am bi.

There.

Please don't think any different of me. If you're one of my older AFF friends, you would know how childish I used to be. It's been three years, though. I grew up a lot more. And I don't want anybody to tell me it's "just a phase" or "you'll think differently when you're older" because no it's freaking not like that. My crush is real. These are real feelings. And it's like hell to be in this position. I have no thoughts of confessing to her, she clearly dislikes me even as a friend. I have no thoughts of coming out in real life, most people are very homophobic.

I'm still Mac. Still me.